I read a heartbreaking Facebook post today. Through a friend’s post I learned that a beautiful, vibrant and well-loved dancer in his scene took her own life.
To be clear, I never met this girl. All that I know about her I only know through her public Facebook profile. From what I could see, she looked like a beautiful and well-loved woman with a penchant for unknown horror films who made people smile and laugh. She does not appear to the world as someone in a deep, dark place on the verge of taking their own life.
It is easy in the world of dance to get caught up in what people show on their profiles. Stunning dance shots, dance smiles, and globetrotters make everything washed in a rosy hue of hardwood and dance highs. Posts sending random notes of love about how great someone’s dancing is or how awesome an event was abound.
But, does that mean that under the surface of this glamour, we are happy?
It is difficult to be vulnerable; doubly so in an environment that prizes good times, laughter and fun. Interrupting the mood to discuss how terrible one is feeling can feel like a ‘downer’; being the fun, flirty partner can feel simultaneously insincere and like the right thing to do. For others, this fun can be an escape from parts of their life they don’t want to face – as can frequently be the case in the world of the arts.
If you are one of the many of us who dance and are feeling trapped in a terrible spiral of depression or sadness, I want you to know you are loved. Your community loves you. When you share your heart with dancers you are close to, you are not burdening us. We want to hug away the fears, listen to what has happened, and, if needed, lift your thoughts with laughter or dance. We want to do whatever it is you need to feel OK – even for a little while – and even if it means not talking about it at all.
We want you to rely on us. We love you. We want to help you carry what you are feeling and help you weather the storm. It’s OK if you arrive at a dance event feeling terrible and all you want is to dance with people you know to happy songs because, quite frankly, anything else is too much. It’s OK if you arrive at a dance event, stay two songs, and go up to your hotel room or go home. We’ll ask you to stay, but it’s only because we love you. We won’t be mad if you need to go. If you’re feeling numb, that’s OK too. It’s great that you are coming out to try to feel something. We want to help you find that something.
Whatever you are feeling, it is OK. We are here. We love you.
When you tell us what is making life difficult, our heart will ache for you – but we will feel deeply grateful that you trust us enough to let us in to that most vulnerable place. But, if we are not the ones you need to help, please reach out. Call someone, or find support otherwise. It is not shameful to need help – it’s human.
When I say ‘We’, I do not necessarily mean every single person in the dance scene. There are those who do not necessarily share in the loving, holistic world we have, and there are those we simply are not close enough with to open up to. If you happen to choose the wrong person in your first attempt to share yourself with us, please, don’t let that stop you from trying again. We do exist, and we are simply waiting for the opening to know you more.
If you feel OK and loved in the dance scene, remember not all of us always do. If you enjoy someone’s dancing or their personality, if they make you laugh, or even if they just brighten your day, tell them. When you ask about someone’s day, delve beyond the ‘I’m good’s’, and give them a chance to open up what lies underneath the surface. Make sure people know your affection and care extends beyond their good side, and that it is willing to welcome the issues all of us invariably have.
The dance community is full of love. For you, for me, and for everyone else. Even when we are alone at a dance event, we are surrounded by people who care. And, if we let each other in maybe, just maybe, we can help one of us who is trapped in the dark world of depression take their first step towards finding the joy in life again.
If you or someone you know are in need of help, please reach out. There are several anonymous help lines that are there specifically to help.
Canada:
There are also Apps to get help to those who need
USA:
National Help Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
International:
Use this databae to help you locate the suicide hotline for your area.
Laura this sentiment is appreciated. In the recent months I was very close to doing what this person did. While dancing is enjoyable it can’t resolve the problems and insecurities we have. Its a temporary mask and a time we can just forget our immediate problems.
That’s just my 2 cents
Thank you so much for broaching the topic of suicide – it is a difficult topic and sadly, often avoided. Depression is counter-intuitive and often it can feel as if those familiar with it belong to a secret-society: with secret language; secret behaviors; and most sadly, with secret membership. When Robin Williams passed, there were two groups: those who couldn’t imagine how he could do it, and those who very much could. The following is a very well-written article about Robin and suicide:
http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/
This being said, my initial reaction to this (The Dancing Grapevine) article was not entirely positive. I am often reticent to speak on others’ behalf, especially when it’s about an act as sacred as love. I don’t think love is the default nor do I believe it should ever be treated as such. I have had very good experiences in the dance community – but I believe holding anyone to a standard of being an emotional support system to anyone who may benefit to be an unfair expectation.
I have played a multitude of roles regarding depression: I’ve been a son; a best friend; a callous stranger; recipient of 3am phone calls; and most saliently, I’ve played the lead role myself. I’ve been in the secret society for a very long time now. I know the language. I know the look that seems if you’re staring through walls. I know the treacherous smiles that keeps everyone out.
But.
I won’t guarantee that I will always be supportive of what you are going through.
There is only one person potentially reading this that I love. For her I would drop everything to be supportive, regardless of what I may be going through. Because to me, that distinction between loved ones and others is important. Being supportive is resource dependent – and I won’t always have some to spare. I give what I can, when I can – and I challenge others to do the same. But if you can’t – that’s ok too. It’s ok because I don’t know what you’re going through. It’s ok because no one knows better than you on how to allocate your emotional resources.
So. How can you help if you don’t have the resources to be emotionally supportive? My go to in this situation is to make eye contact, acknowledge their having a difficult time, and offering a sincere hug if that resonates with both you and them. Sometimes that’s all I can do. Sometimes, I can’t even do that (and that’s ok).
Finally, please know, if you do rise to the challenge of being emotionally supportive to another person – you’re a hero. You’ve gone above and beyond and you may never know the impact you’ve had on that person. So, in case they can’t express it: Thank You.
May those impacted by this tragedy find peace.
I didn’t know her, but my facebook feed is full of memorial posts as well.
What you say about the community being full of love, generally resonates deeply with me…but I can’t get 100% behind it. There have been many times (including right now!) that the dance community has been there to catch me when I fall, but other times, it hasn’t.
Several years ago, I had a knee injury/surgery and the moment I left the dance floor, all of my so-called ‘friends’ from dancing vanished before my eyes. They missed me at the venues, yes. They expressed care for me, yes. But they didn’t take the time to hang out with me outside of dance, they didn’t help me out, even if I told them exactly how they could support me.
I realized that dance friends are not ‘real’ friends unless the relationship exists off the dance floor as well. It seemed like they only liked me for a good dance, the joy that I brought to them through dancing.
Unless we reach out and build friendships outside of dance (LITERALLY OUTSIDE OF VENUES AND EVENTS), we will never appreciate and love the whole person. Instead we will just keep using dance to avoid real life and a hollow, disappointing feeling with just continue to linger when we aren’t getting that dance high. Blarg.
I don’t know who this refers to or where it took place. It is heart-wrenching to know these things happen. I know what you mean though in regards to …not “real” friends unless the relationship exists off the dance floor…” It seems they only like me for a good dance also and I’ve been in the dance community for over 20 years, which means there must be something wrong with me …IDK. I don’t think there is. Maybe it’s because I’m not a motor mouth having something to say all the time. My diction isn’t what I would like it to be so I mostly listen. Maybe that’s it. I have over 20 years of dance acquaintances but no one I can call a real friend like those that hang out together outside of the dance halls. At this point, over 20 years later, I doubt I could be part of a group of ” dance friends”. That’s the way I feel anyway. Like it’s too late in the game. It’s like the last person to be chosen when picking teams. The same is true for facebook “friends”. There’s no ship in my friends on facebook but a lot of acquaintances. Same is true on the dance floor. Albeit, knowing that some of them really get joy out of dancing with me is a blessing in itself. I cherish that. Even in solitude when the evening is over.
Hi there. I have read about the sad news in regards to a fellow dancer. I am very sad to hear that she decided to go through with it, as well as all the people that were affected by it. And I want to share my story on what has been happening with me. I don’t have any particular reason why I want to show this, but it does have some sort of therapeutic feeling to tell anonymous strangers.
In the beginning, It’s not like I was really friends with dancers in particular. I introduce myself, get into the three minute dance, give my thanks and then maybe find myself another partner to dance. It’ll go on throughout the night, and at the end I realize I still don’t really know the person. I know what their skill level is and what they like to do during the dance. This varies from person to person (some might even spend the rest of the evening just chatting until the event is over).
I come off as a very optimistic and gung-ho type of personality, and it’s because other people have tagged me on those pictures from the dance. I’m seen ‘smiling’ when I dance, but it’s not necessarily because I feel that way. I was taught to smile and that’ll make me become a more enjoyable dance. I constantly fight with the inner personality I have, constantly pushing to introduce myself to new dancers. I’m so glad that classes rotate and that introducing myself became a Pavlovian response. From month to month I’ve come to realize that people go dancing for more reasons than I could’ve come up with.
I remember one month I wasn’t particularly happy coming to a venue. I’ve gone to a dance one night where I didn’t want to strike up a conversation; didn’t want to socialize. Just dance. I guess I was feeling down but I didn’t believe that it was depression. Maybe it wasn’t that bad, because I see this imaginary gap between my state of mind and the hellhole that people label as ‘not-existing’, and that there’s no way I’ve crossed that gap and entered the hole. So I showed up and danced. And you know what? It felt good knowing that people are oblivious to how I am feeling. I don’t have to worry that they are worried about me, my inner self feeling giddy like this secret that was meant to be hidden. And I didn’t want people to find out.
So no, I didn’t want people telling me that this is something I needed help. That I should go call the hotline. Because I’m dancing to escape my reality. And that’s a more positive way to direct my focus, right?
What changed was how some dance scenes have this following lovable aspect. They’re the instructors, organizers, volunteers who wrapped up the night–I built these bonds with other dancers outside of the dance scene. I go out to eat afterwards. I finally learn the names of the other leads who I didn’t interact with. And I realize that’s what kept me going. Maybe not the late night crew for other people, but the ability to interact with them outside of the scene. And you know what? I realize that some of them who’re the gods of dance are just normal people and can be super insecure about themselves as much as the next person.
So when I hear stories of people in depression or suicide, I empathize with them, wishing that they had a crew to spend time with. But it also wasn’t something the dancers have to burden themselves with. Everyone goes out dancing from all facets of life, and the last thing I would want is to change the atmosphere of the dance. It is magical, and I want to be shielded from the terrors and hardships of managing a dance scene. Not everyone agrees with me but I do see a dance scene’s livelihood to be a measure of how much of the drama is contained from the public’s view.
I’m glad that dance has been so therapeutic for you 🙂 That is a lovely story. I’m glad that the very act of dancing and remaining anonymous in your true feelings has been therapeutic to you – and that you are able to recognize it.
I’m not talking about burdening people with heavy loads here. I’m talking about when someone is really, truly in deep need of help, something like a community of dancers can be the dividing line between falling into the abyss and starting a slow, painful climb out. To me, that is not ‘burdening’, but rather what we owe to one another as human beings.
This! Right here, this!
This is what we need to be saying all the time.
“It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to ask for help. We are here for you. We love you.”
Thank you for writing this.
This is incredibly sad. The FB culture in which you always have to seem happy, glamorous, and well traveled can indeed make some people feel worse about their own lives. They don’t see our dark sides that we don’t care to publicize. Although support and friendship can help to prevent depression, once someone is in a really dark place, it will probably be of limited help. The best thing you as a friend can do in this case is ensure the person gets professional care, and by that, I mean a psychiatrist, particularly if they are deeply depressed and/or suicidal. Getting them admitted to an emergency room might be an option as well if they appear suicidal. Unfortunately, no amount of cheering someone up will have any effect if they are clinically depressed. You can also learn to detect the warning signs of depression, for example, here: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm .
My Salsa teaching partner committed suicide 4 1/2 years ago. It affected a massive number of people in our area. He not only taught with, and for, me, but with at least two other local Salsa clubs. it had a devastating effect on our local Salsa scene. Personally, it destroyed my Salsa business, and my relationship at the time. But the loss of a young person, who had so much potential, and so much more to give, was the worst overall loss. I’m not even talking about what it did to his family. Many of us knew things were bad, but not quite as bad, which left many of us feeling guilty afterwards. But, in retrospect, we did everything we could, in our own way, at the time, and none of us could have predicted what was to come. Sometimes, even the strongest mind will break, and see no other way out. My only hope is that we can all recognise the signs, make ourselves available, and somehow prevent this ever happening again.
My sympathies go out to those who have personal experience with depression. I have witnessed how debilitating it can be.
Although I do not suffer from depression, I have been able to overcome personal hardships through “The Breakthrough Experience” by Dr Demartini. I considered a situation I endured traumatic, blinding myself to the positive aspects of that situation. He assisted me in seeing the other side of the coin, neutralizing my emotions towards that event. I believe his book & seminar can be thoroughly helpful for those enduring depression.
Further information regarding his books & seminars can be found at the following webpage: https://drdemartini.com/breakthrough_experience
Laura, are we talking about a girl in Portland? It would make it twice as sad if this is someone else.
Yes, I am.
As someone who is suffering from depression, and probably will for a while: I appreciate this post.
What I would say though, it would be wonderful if the symbolic “how are you” is dropped from your hellos. I get it, everyone is being normal and I’m the crazy guy who wants to just run up to my hotel room and be alone.
Just say hello and say it’s nice to see you. It’s more than good enough 🙂
Everyone loves it when individuals come together and share
One of the things we have to be careful of is repeating the old line that dancing is a substitute for counseling or other professional health care. While it’s true that dancing can lift your mood, and can be part of an overall mentally healthy lifestyle, it’s also true it can be like a street drug – a temporary bandaid for a serious problem.