Probably every person on this planet has, at one time or another, reacted a little too strongly to something. Usually, it stems from a perfect storm of stress and other factors which just happen to hit that spot where it’s almost impossible for things to go right – and really easy for things to go wrong.
The dance floor is not exempt from this – and that’s OK.
Have you ever had a dance with someone who you normally have a really nice connection with, but for whatever reason everything just rubs you the wrong way? Maybe they made an innocent comment that hit you as an insult. Maybe you just had a shitty day, and they did that one move that just feels so, so crappy. Maybe you were seeking a deep connection dance, and they want to go big or go home. Maybe you’re dancing with a follow who isn’t listening to the cool thing you want to do.
This can also happen when you dance with someone for the first time. Maybe they didn’t meet your expectations. Maybe YOU didn’t meet your expectations. Maybe it was just different – and not good different – from what you were expecting. Maybe you guys just don’t have good dance chemistry.
The results of an ‘Overreaction’
When I say overreact, it’s important to note that overreacting in this context is NOT saying that the reaction is inappropriate – we all feel what we feel. We sometimes feel it without a ‘good’ reason, but it’s still there. And it’s strong. Overwhelming even. It is this overwhelming nature of the overreaction that makes it prone to ruin our evening – and can sometimes make us lash out or be harsh with others.
We can sometimes react more strongly than we should to these things, which can lead to us ruining our whole night. The damage that an overreaction can do has many facets. It can cause us to:
- Lash out at friends
- Begin viewing others as ‘bad’ partners (even if they’ve done nothing ‘wrong’)
- Make us less generous with both ourselves and others
- Cause us to ruin our own evening
- Give us a negative memory of the event, or regret our attitude
I’m not immune to this. Actually, the reason that I’m writing this entry is because it is something that I have had to deal with. I still remember, very early on in my dance life, I interrupted a dance with someone because they weren’t giving me a connection I felt happy with. I became ‘that person’ who teaches on the dance floor for about 2 minutes. I still regret it. That lead also never danced with me again.
Granted, I didn’t know the etiquette at the time; I was new. But, the look on the lead’s face and the feelings that followed that encounter were not worth it. Why did I react like this? It was an overreaction to something that just made me so friggin frustrated, and I thought that doing what I did would let me ‘get what I wanted’ from the dance. I felt a deep, impulsive need to ‘Say Something’.
Instead, it just made it worse. Instead of seeking some sort of peace with the dance and moving through it, I upended the whole thing for no reason. He wasn’t hurting me, he wasn’t being inappropriate; I was just in a critical place and he happened to do something that particularly riled me.
This is obviously not the only type of overreaction one can have, but it’s an example. It can also include crying because your dances have been really shitty, anger or trash-talk over a social faux pas, and more. The thing that they have in common is that we didn’t address our need to decompress the emotion, and instead let it bubble in a pressure cooker until it impacted our dance life.
If you are having ‘A Moment’
Breathe. No, really, breathe. If it’s really bad, ask for what you need from your partner in a way that is inclusive, not critical. It can be as simple as ‘Can we take this song easy?’
It is important to reset the experience at that point, before the experience turns into a truly negative one. It is very possible for things to begin on the wrong foot and end on the right foot – but only if you’re willing to reset and move in a new direction. The longer you have anger, resentment or hurt, the harder it is to hit that ‘reset’ button.
If you can’t reset during the dance, breathe, ride it out and take that time once you finish the song. Maybe it is asking a partner that you know and trust to dance, maybe it’s taking a break outside. Maybe it’s checking Facebook (no judging here). However, it is important that whatever tactic you use, you really commit to resetting your mindset. Make your way through the feelings, but then make the active decision that you want to commit to a clean slate. It may take a few songs or trusted partners or something else, but it is possible.
For me, this happens sometimes at really crowded events. Personally, I’ll either retreat to my hotel room or – if there’s nowhere else – a washroom for a few minutes of just quiet. The quiet time acts as a ‘reset’ for me. It lets me recover from a rough dance or a bad social encounter and re-approach the night. Sometimes, I’ll even dance with the same person again later that night with a completely different result.
If your partner is having a moment
First, you are obviously never ‘responsible’ for your partner’s emotional state – but there are signs to look out for and ways that you can help make their night better if they are in a less-than-happy mental place.
You can usually get a glimpse of whether your partner is reaching an overwhelmed place while dancing by watching their behavior. A dancer who doesn’t want to be that close may be rigid or try to pull away. Someone who is pattern-overwhelmed may get really tense and jumpy – or you may see overwhelmed eyes. A lead who feels out of their depth may lose all direction in a formerly clear lead, or give you the ‘what the heck are you doing?’ eyes.
Reformat your dance at this point. See if you can go to a comfy place for the partner. Reduce patterns, create space, hold closer, or reduce styling – whatever your partner seems receptive to. This can also include going slower than the music or giving physical cues of what foot moves next to a beginner. Whatever you do, reduce – don’t pump up – the volume. It’s not a call for crazier patterns and musicality – it’s a call for calm. Your goal is a ‘nice’ dance – not an ‘exciting’ dance.
If it’s something that happened that is not dance-related, talk to the person. If it’s something you said or did that could be read the wrong way (or already has been read in a negative way), then talk to them. An apology for how it was taken goes a long, long way. It shows you care, and those kind of apologies can sometimes get rid of all of the tension in one go – both yours and theirs.
Obviously, there is a line between the types of interactions discussed in this article and deeply damaging encounters. I’m not talking about physical injuries, harassment, assault, etc. I’m talking about careless words and unintentional irritants. This logic cannot be applied to situations with a real and present harm or danger – only irritations that end up setting us off.
These types of reactions are bound to happen, but my hope is that this article will help you stop some of the instances before they happen. This is also not a catch-all; you may have a way for dealing with these things that works better for you.
Happy Dancing!