Every time I write an article on taking care of your partner on the dancefloor, I get a response that goes something like this:
“When I dance with a lady, I take care of her. It is a man’s job to take care of a lady, because she is the fairer sex. On a dance floor, I must therefore make her safe and comfortable, because I am responsible for protecting this fragile gender.”
Or, if they’re feeling really brazen…
“It is up to the man to understand what the lady wants, because women cannot know for themselves. They are creatures of intuition and feelings, not rational thought. Men must use reason to understand the needs ladies don’t understand themselves.”
People really do say this stuff. Sometimes, the responses are shorter. Sometimes they’re longer. They all have a similar pattern:
- “I/Gentlemen, “Lady/Woman”
- Male/Female binary in the Lead/Follow roles
- Taking ownership of ‘protecting’ the follow
- Giving themselves a pat-on-the-back for being such a great partner
If this is you, this is not great partner behavior. It is sexist behavior. Usually well-intentioned sexist behavior, but still sexist.
***STOP! Before you get defensive, read the article. Do not jump to the bottom of the comments and start ranting before you actually read and understand the point that I’m trying to make here. This behavior is sexist – well-intentioned or not – and it does not mean that I hate you as a person. It does not mean you are TRYING to be sexist; only that this is a sexist behavior. It is critiquing a behavior – not you as a whole person. ***
Women are not fragile, breakable butterflies that you must carefully shelter on the dancefloor because we are female. Our ‘fragility’ depends on many factors, including:
- Our dance experience
- Our health
- Our fitness level
An advanced dancer can protect themselves better than a beginner. A physically healthy person can take more dance-pressure than someone with an ailment. Our fitness level determines what our body is capable of. All these things apply, regardless of gender. A male with a health issue is just as prone to injury as a female with a health issue.
When a follow complains of a behavior that makes them feel unsafe, they are not saying that ‘because women are weaker, or more prone to upset’. We are saying it because it’s something that we face – just as you face backleaders, self-dippers and over-stylers. We are not being ‘sensitive’, we are voicing a concern.
It isn’t about you ‘protecting’ us, it’s about you respecting and caring for us. BIG difference. That care and respect flows both ways: Lead to Follow and Follow to Lead.
As a result, ‘taking care of your partner’ applies regardless of gender and dance role. A follow should take care of their lead, and a lead should take care of their follow. This involves several things, like:
- Respecting their personal space requirements
- Not forcing movements
- Not self-dipping
- Being aware of people around you, and hazards to your partner
- Being responsible for your own body movements
- Compensating for your partner’s shortcomings
Women are human beings. On the dancefloor, we are equal to every man dancing. The same courtesy you extend to us, you should extend to the other men as well. If you are leading a man, your responsibilities are the same as leading a woman. Always. Without exception.
This is the true concept of ‘gentleman’: treating all on the floor with dignity, respect, and care.
I don’t care how how small some women are; we are people. Treat us like people. We are not an object you are responsible for handling. We are not an infant that you need to handle with care. We are a partner. And partners are equal.
Think of a business venture: if you partner with someone, it means you are their equal. In contrast, an employee is more of a responsibility. When you assume that you are needed to ‘protect’ your follow because they are the weaker/fairer/more emotional sex, you are making them less than a partner. You are making them a responsibility. Making a follow a responsibility creates an imbalance in the power dynamic, which should never happen in a partnership.
Please, leave the ‘fairer sex’ rhetoric in the past. It has no place on a modern dancefloor. If you view yourself as a Gentleman, update your use of the idea of chivalry. Don’t ‘protect’ women because we are ‘weaker’; ‘care’ for us because we are your ‘partner.’ It makes a world of difference.
I am not certain I understand the article. We should take care of the partner but not protect them? We are not responsible for being a safe partner? We shouldn’t value dancing safely with our partner? But we need to take care of people in general?
When dancing as a lead you have control over your body and guidance to your follow. I don’t understand your logic to not have responsibility to look out for her.
I prefer not to reveal my identity for fear that this post can be construed as offensive. I simply don’t understand it is all.
The idea is that taking care of your partner is different than saying they require your protection. Leads should not protect a partner because the partner is weak; they should care for their partner because that is what good partners do
So it’s not the action you are questioning its the intent. How can people differentiate between the 2?
Basically, you can figure out which it is by asking yourself the following few questions:
1. Are you caring for your female follow because she’s a woman, or because she is your dance partner?
2. If it was a male follow, would you take care of them the same way?
3. Is your reason for taking care of the partner because you think women need your protection?
If you say that it’s because she’s a woman, that you wouldn’t take care of a male follow the same way, or that you feel women need your protection because they are weaker in any regard – the intent is misplaced.
“If you are leading a man, your responsibilities are the same as leading a woman. Always. Without exception.”
Yes same responsibilities apply, but a mans energy is much different than that of a woman’s. Therefore the dance will be different, it’s not sexist, it’s just how nature build us. Dancing with another man, ones dance would be more aggressive / daring, and moves more competitive. Dancing with a woman the energies balance out, so there is no need for such competitiveness. But it’s about appreciating differences between the sexes. And yes most women are more delicate than the man, so I can see where the mind set comes in. But I agree that when women dance they can hold their own and don’t need to be babied, just appreciated for who they are.
Every person’s energy is different – male or female. I’ve danced with some male follows who feel more traditionally ‘feminine’ in their follow than many female follows. You adjust energy to each individual partner – male or female.
I’d actually argue that the ‘aggressive’ energy should not be conflated with daring.
Regardless of the ‘energy’ of your partner, you need to treat both as an equal in the dance. You do not get to assume that female follows ‘need’ your protection and males do not. You need to partner them and take care of them as an equal in the partnership.
Yes, partners are equal in the dance, yet each partner brings something different to the dance. Coming from a tango background, when a woman feels that special something with her partner she closes her eyes. I’d assume for a woman to close her eyes she has to feel safe, among other things. It then becomes the leaders role/responsibility to protect the follower as he’s the one with the eyes open, :). To me protecting is within the bounds of caring for, so perhaps our definitions are a little different. Can you care for someone without also protecting them? Perhaps?
Also two men can’t dance together, they can practice together, but they can’t dance (unless perhaps they are gay). Certain things are only expressed between a man and a woman. But I digress, probably another topic.
I disagree that two men can’t dance together. I lead men, I lead women, and I follow both genders as well. A dance is a dance; it need not be sexual. It’s the same reason I can dance with a 70 year old man and have an amazing dance when I’m young enough to be their granddaughter. I guarantee there is *nothing* sexual there. It’s not a man-woman thing; it’s a human connection thing.
Coming from Tango where there is a rich history of men dancing with other men, I’m actually surprised you feel that two men can’t dance together.
There is a difference between protecting and caring for someone because they are your partner – and saying they REQUIRE your protection because they are a woman. Man or woman – you better take care of your partner, whether the eyes or open or not. Whether male or female.
In a nutshell: if you are protecting your female partner because you believe they are weaker or dependent on you, it’s sexist. If you’re protecting your partner because they’re your partner and that’s just what partners do for each other, then you’re on the right track.
OK Laura,
Im gonna have to agree with Razz here on the two men thing.
Being a dance teacher of every Dance art form for the past 28 years i can tell you that you’re absolutely right that it has nothing to do with sexuality. It doesn’t even have to do with being gay or lesbian or Bisexual or anything of that matter.
What it has to do with is Energy. (Oh and by the way the only reason Men dance tango together was for practice so that when they went out they knew what they were doing with the girls. But I degrees.)
I have taught many people over those years and have come to the understanding that energy flows from one human being to another. We know that Energy can never be created not destroyed in which case it is always twisting and turning and flowing to and through the dancers. The problem you come across when two men dance together is that their energy is similar and will be stunted in its approach and take off. The dance won’t flow as it should when two similar energies move at the same levels of force. Now again Im not making this sexual, but even two gay guys or girls will always have something different about each other which has attracted them to each other. Just because they are Gay doesn’t mean they can dance together better than two straight guys. Gay couples also have a difference in their energies. I have many gay friends with whom I have raised this topic exactly and apart form the colourful language they bring to me, they all agree that this is completely the same in their world. Its not about sexes its about energy. Two straight guys can dance together but everyone sees their lies and falsehood through their movements and body language.
Hey Paul,
I don’t think we disagree. I completely agree that the energy of a person is important to the dance. Where I disagree with Razz is that women all have the same ‘feminine’ energy and men the same ‘masculine’.
Further, some dancers are particularly skilled at jumping between the ‘energies’, so to speak.
As a teacher myself, a lot of my understanding of this has come from meeting people who take much more naturally to the ‘opposite’ role. For example, I have a male student who feels and flows far more naturally as a follow than as a lead. He still primarily leads, but it has been much harder for him to learn to lead than to follow.
Further, the general comments he gets are that he ‘follows like a girl’ – which is usually synonymous with exuding the energy that is primarily associated with following (ie, the ‘feminine’). There are also women who are able to switch on a highly ‘masculine’ energy in leading – like myself – and some who actually feel more comfortable in that type of energy.
In short, I completely agree that a balance of energies is necessary. Where I disagreed with Razz is his assumption that women = ‘follow energy’ and men = ‘lead energy’, despite the fact that I have repeatedly witnessed exceptions to this generality.
I still maintain that, in any dance partnership, it is important to treat your partner as an equal. This is why I advocate against the idea of a female follow being ‘fragile’. Do I believe in keeping the follow safe from harm? Yes. But, it’s from a place of equality. I’m the lead; therefore I need to be considerate of my position and care for my partner.
Whether I am leading a guy or a girl, it’s my *job* to make sure that they are safe, comfortable and cared for. But, I don’t look at them as ‘weak’ or ‘fragile’. I don’t look at female follows as “scared,” “weak,” “tentative,” or “in need of protection.” Rather, I look at them as 1/2 of a partnership that is founded on mutual care and respect.
Also, re: Tango:
http://www.triogarufa.com/tango-history.html
In the beginning, it was a dance between men.
The protection of follows doesn t come from “the fairer sex” or anything like that.
Follows must be protected because they (mostly) don t choose what they are doing nor where they are going, therefore it would not be fair to put them in risky/unpleasant situtuations, no matter their sex.
Also, you need a partner to dance so it seems better to protect your partner so you can continue dancing 😉