Why Passive-Aggressive Feedback Doesn’t Work

Have you ever had an unpleasant dance? Maybe your partner squeezed your hand too hard. Maybe they were generally off-time and a bit rough.

What did you do? Did you fix your face into an unsatisfied scowl to teach them a lesson? If you did, you have engaged in what I call passive-aggressive feedback.

What is passive-aggressive feedback

Passive-aggressive feedback is when a dancer uses body language (or, in extreme cases, even words) to indicate to their partner how unhappy they are with the present situation, but does not offer any constructive information as to what the issue is or how to fix it.

Common examples include:

• Overdramatizing mistakes
• Refusing to respond to anything less than the perfect execution of a movement
• Scowling, pursing the lips, or rolling the eyes
• Mentally “checking out” of the dance or ignoring your partner

Passive-aggressive off the dance floor

We generally accept that passive-aggressive feedback in our personal lives is (at best) unhelpful and (at worst) destructive. If you come home and find the dishes unwashed, rolling your eyes and being snarky for the rest of the night won’t help you or the culprit. Instead, the culprit will get frustrated and upset that you’re treating them badly- and you get frustrated that they haven’t figured out the reason you’re angry.

A more constructive approach is to tell the person if something is bothering you. Sometimes, you have to tell them the same thing multiple times. And sometimes, you may actually have to have a heated discussion about it before something changes. While ultimately you may resolve the issue, passive-aggressive behaviour will not be the remedy.

So… why do so many of us think that passive-aggressive feedback will fix dance issues?

What We’re Hoping For

Many of the people who engage in passive-aggressive feedback do it with the intention of teaching their partner a lesson (without actually “teaching” on the floor). The idea is that your partner is doing something bad, so you’re going to show them how much you don’t like the bad thing. Once they realize you’re not happy, they’re going to stop that behaviour and adjust to your needs.

(Except this almost never happens)

The (Typical) Results of Passive-Aggressive Feedback

Instead of the desired result (bad behaviour being corrected), passive-aggressive feedback usually results in one of the following:

Anger

If you engage in passive-aggressive behaviour, your partner may get angry at you for your attitude. Why? Because there’s very little discernible difference between “dance snob” behaviour and passive-aggressive feedback. Both of them involve an unengaged or unpleasant person who makes their partner feel like crap.

When a person gets angry at passive-aggressive feedback, it usually means that the feedback has failed because the person doesn’t understand that it’s the result of something they’re doing “wrong”. Instead, they view it as you judging their ‘worthiness’.

In short: they view it as your standards being too high instead of their dancing being uncomfortable or wrong.

Defeat

Passive-aggressive feedback could also totally crush your partner’s spirit. This is especially true with new or insecure dancers, who may be really, really intent on doing well but just aren’t “there” yet.

In these cases, your partner realizes they’re doing something wrong – but they have no idea what to fix. All they see is an unhappy partner who clearly is having a bad time because of them. And, because they were already feeling vulnerable and shitty, they take this as confirmation that they shouldn’t be dancers. They may even leave the scene completely if this happens too often or at a bad time.

In these cases, the passive-aggressive feedback has led to someone feeling like crap because they didn’t understand how to fix whatever was the source of their partner’s displeasure.

Panic/Frustration

Panic usually happens when the passive-aggressive person is perceived as an expert; frustration is a similar result that happens when the passive-aggressive person is not thought of as an expert. Essentially, someone sees their partner is unhappy with their dancing. So, they decide to try really hard to fix it because they really want to give that person a good dance.

There’s just one problem: what they think the cause of your displeasure is may not actually be the problem you had in mind.

For example, a lead might think “my dancing wasn’t interesting enough” or “my lead wasn’t strong/clear enough” when the passive-aggressive person was thinking “I feel like they’re wrestling me around”. Unfortunately, to fix their perceived mistake, they decide to try even harder to do cool stuff. Stuff that often involves more (not less) arm leading, extra force, and extra speed. Plus, they might panic, which further compounds the problem (and can even create new ones, like gripping too hard).

On the other hand, a follower might think they’re not following “well enough”. From experience, I can tell you that the death of good following very often happens when a follow tries really hard to be a “better” follow. The tension and expectation often leads to backleading, stiffness, and general unpleasantness.

As a result, the passive-aggressive feedback has backfired and has actually worsened the issue.

An Alternative to Passive-Aggressive Feedback

In my opinion, it is far more useful to learn how to give appropriate verbal and physical feedback to a partner. For example, gently repositioning an uncomfortable hand or resisting an uncomfortable movement. If those cues don’t work, learn how to use verbal cues to help your partner understand what will make your dance experience better.

For example, if it’s too much too fast, ask for your partner to take it a bit easier on you. If you’re not into doing a dip, tell them. If their hands are a bit squeezy, let them know.

This doesn’t mean you have to explain the mechanics on how to fix a problem. The idea is that you’re just letting them know if there’s something simple that is really interfering with your ability to relax and enjoy the dance.

For experienced dancers, this may also involve letting people know that you’re not up to doing all the crazy stuff they’ve seen on YouTube. For example “I’m a little tired; can we just dance a bit more gently tonight?” can help your partner understand to tone it back instead of trying to keep you “entertained”.

Giving feedback isn’t limited to the more experienced partner, either. Beginner dancers can do the same thing if they have an advanced partner who is going a bit too hardcore for them. For example: say “I don’t think I’m ready for ___ yet.”

You vs Team

The key to giving this type of constructive feedback is to approach the dance as a team. I start with the basic assumption that my partner is not out to hurt me. If I assume my partner is not out to hurt me, my next assumption is that whatever is making me uncomfortable is unintentional.

The next thing I assume is that we have a mutual interest in having a good dance. This means my goal isn’t to “fix” my partner to please me, but rather to make our partnership stronger. If there is something that my partner is doing that impacts my well-being and that I can’t manage around, it’s something worth addressing.

Distinguishing Preference from Need

It’s important to distinguish something that you need in a dance vs. a preference you have. For example, I prefer a very clear, unambiguous lead. However, I don’t need a perfect lead to have a good dance. However, I do need a partner that won’t hurt me or make me physically uncomfortable, and who is not dancing in a way that is pushing me beyond what I am comfortable doing.

This informs what aspects of a dance I will make accommodate around, versus aspects of a dance I will address to my partner. I don’t try to verbally address deficiencies in connection or technique unless they’re dangerous. Instead, I manage my own dance around those deficiencies to give us both a good experience. If I have a significant skill advantage, I may use those moments as an opportunity to help the partner understand what a good preparation or execution feels like. This can help them get a feel for where things should have been without having to verbally express the issue.

Some examples of things I don’t address verbally:

• Off-time dancing (though, I may use my body and steps to subtly indicate where the timing is, or help beginners find timing by tapping along on their hand or shoulder)
• A lack of distinct lead that is still discernible and not dangerous
• A lack of frame in a follow or lead
• Wrong technique, provided it isn’t dangerous
• Backleading, unless it’s a risk to my or their safety through things like uncontrolled dips

What I do verbally address are things that, if left unchecked, I am not able to protect myself against or that directly interfere with my ability to contribute to a decent dance.

For example:

• Dips, lifts, or drops I don’t feel safe executing (as a lead or follow)
• Painful or uncomfortable behaviours (clamping hands, feeling an erection)
• Rough leading or following (usually by asking to dance a bit ‘easier’ or ‘slower’)

What about hygiene issues?

In my opinion, hygiene issues are something that directly impacts a dance that is usually easily rectified. Therefore, I will address them whenever they arise.

Yes, it’s awkward to bring up. But, think about yourself: if you smelled, would you rather everyone simply avoid you, or tell you that you probably need to refresh your deodorant? I’d always pick knowing – sooner rather than later.

If you don’t know how to start the conversation, this is a phrase I would recommend:

• “Might I offer a suggestion?”
• [“…sure?”]
• “You may want to [freshen up in the bathroom/pop a breath mint].”

The universal response I have gotten to this approach is “thank you”.

“What if my partner responds poorly to feedback, or doesn’t change?”

Provided that you gave appropriate, well-meaning feedback, your partner’s reaction to the information is their responsibility – not yours. For example, if you ask for an easier dance and your partner tells you no, you probably should end the dance.

Keep in mind that sometimes, depending on the issue, you may have to raise the problem several times within the course of the song. For example, a partner may be trying to correct squeezy fingers, and need multiple loosens depending on their anxiety level. Provided that they maintain a positive and willing attitude towards your need, there’s no real reason to walk away from them.

There is also a line in terms of intent that each person has to navigate with regards to uncomfortable behaviours that may or may not have a sexual undertone. For example, some people’s close hold may be a bit squishy and uncomfortable because of tension (a common culprit is applying pressure to the spine of the partner, rather than connecting through the shoulder blades), and they may need multiple reminders throughout the song to not squeeze so much or to change the point of contact. This is very different from a person who refuses to dance more open to accommodate a partner’s desire for space or less body contact.

“It’s not my job to fix them. They should go take a private lesson!”

You’re absolutely right; it’s not your job to fix any partner. However, it is in your best interests to learn how to communicate your needs in a way that gives you more, better dances. It’s also a generous approach to realize that not everyone has access to quality training, and that you may not know all the factors that are impacting a person’s ability to learn.

In Conclusion

Giving appropriate feedback and learning to have comfortable dances with a wide array of people creates a happier, safer, and more inspired community on multiple levels. While it isn’t your job to teach your partner, it is your responsibility to communicate your needs in a respectful and clear way.

Let’s leave passive-aggressive feedback at the door, and pave the way for better, kinder, and clearer communications between partners in all dance genres.