Some dance styles, like Kizomba, Brazilian Zouk, or Bachata, use a very close connection between the partners. These dances are often described as ‘sensual’ dances. For a few, they describe these dances as ‘sexual’.
I understand why some people see it as sexual.
Not too long ago, I was dancing with a lead who had a very intimate-feeling connection. It was intimate enough that I had to take a minute and decide whether or not he was asking for just a dance, or something more. This is after I’ve been dancing ‘sensual’ styles for over 7 years.
In this situation, the lead wasn’t asking for a sexual relationship. He just was creating a sense of intimacy in the dance itself by using a very deep connection.
Intimacy in sex vs. dance
Whenever we have a connection with someone, we create a level of intimacy. For most people, the ‘highest’ level of intimacy can be found through sex – especially if you have an emotional connection to that person.
But, dance can in many ways approach the level of intimacy many people have in sex. For most dancers, they will tell you that it’s not about sex – and they’re correct; it’s very often not about having sex with their partner.
But, for most non-dancers, that level of intimacy is typically reserved for sex. So, it’s difficult to articulate exactly why it’s sensual and intimate, but not ‘sexual’ in the sense that the two people don’t necessarily want to have sex with each other.
And, for some dancers, the highest levels of intimacy continue to be reserved for sexual relationships throughout their dance life.
A case study: my own relationship with dance intimacy
I enjoy a deep connection. But, there are a limited number of partners that I can be fully ‘intimate’ with on a dance floor.
In order to get that level of intimacy with a partner, a few things have to happen:
- I need to feel safe
- I need to know they’re not going to misinterpret the intimacy
- I need to enjoy the music and the physical connection
- The other person needs to be open to receive the intimacy
I’d guess that there’s quite a few people who feel similarly. And, these things being present doesn’t necessarily guarantee that I’ll have an ‘intimate’ connection with a person.
This doesn’t mean I can’t ‘connect’ with others. Connection is by degrees; it’s not always 100 or 0. So, there may be someone where I’m very comfortable relaxing into the connection – but where I wouldn’t describe the connection as truly intimate.
The line between intimacy and sexuality
For some people, there is no such thing as intimacy unless you have a sexual connection with the person. So, for those people, a dance that is intimate is necessarily also sexual.
That doesn’t mean that they can’t have connected dances that aren’t sexual; but it does mean that an intimate connection is grounded in a sexual attraction to the other person.
For other people, like myself, an intimate connection isn’t the same as a sexual connection. In fact, I find it easier to have an intimate connection with someone if there’s no pressure for a sexual connection (unless I’m dating them).
There’s also some people who can have an intimate connection with a stranger, but others who need to really know and like a person before an intimate connection is established
None of these are wrong; it just depends on the relationship that person has with intimacy.
Jealousy and intimacy
Depending on your relationship with intimacy, it can be difficult if you have a partner to see them have an intimate connection with someone else.
For example, most non-dance romantic partners don’t understand how an intimate, connected dance can possibly not be sexual. This is because it’s rare outside of dance circles for intimacy to not be equal to sex.
So, seeing their partner dance intimately (or even just with a close connection) with another person can inspire feelings of jealousy or inadequacy.
If your partner is one of these people, try to be understanding of why they have issues with the concept of dance-intimacy. It can be very difficult to get over. Some people opt not to have ‘intimate’ dances while in a relationship for this reason.
Or, if the person who is in a relationship sees intimacy as sexual, they may choose not to have intimate dances to respect their partner. Some of these people are even OK with their partner having intimate dances, but understand that on a personal level they can’t separate the two concepts.
On the extreme end, some partners downright forbid dancing because any level of connection is intimate to them. Partners of those people are often in the difficult position of having to choose whether to dance at all, or continue their relationship.
Dealing with another person’s relationship with ‘intimacy’
If you’re someone who doesn’t equate intimacy with sexuality, it can feel really difficult to deal with a person who does feel the two concepts are attached.
For example, they may make a proposition for more, and you may turn it down… only to find that now the connection is different, worse, or not present at all.
What we need to understand here is that what you thought the connection was is not what the connection was for the opposite person. We can’t demand a non-sexual intimate connection with someone if they feel an intimate connection is necessarily sexual.
This works in reverse as well. If someone feels the two concepts are entwined and is rejected for more, they have no right to force an intimate connection to become sexual.
Consent and intimacy
Regardless of which way the consent is flowing, we have to respect people’s personal relationships with intimacy – just like we have to respect whether people want to dance in a close or open hold.
So, if a person sees sexuality and intimacy as synonymous, it is ignoring consent to demand an intimate (or any) ‘connection’ with no strings attached. They are simply not comfortable with it – the same way some people don’t cuddle with people unless it’s sexual.
It’s also ignoring consent if someone who views the two concepts as attached forces someone to dance in an intimate and sexual way.
Regardless of whether it’s intimacy, dance moves, post-dance cuddling, or more, the second that someone indicates they’re not ‘into it’, the other person is obligated to back off.
So basically, just like everything else dance-related: the less comfortable partner sets the rules.
Your experiences
Do you have any experiences with intimacy or dances that you want to share? Are intimacy and sexuality separate or concurrent for you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Your explanation of the difference between sensual and sexual, and intimacy, is right on the mark.
I grew up rather repressed, and not dancing at all. When I first started dancing, it was almost impossible to connect at all because I was afraid to touch a woman at all (did I mention I grew up repressed)?
It took my teachers three months to get me feeling comfortable in closed position. I was confusing intimacy for sexuality, because prior to that I had experienced intimacy only with romantic partners or in a purely clinical setting.
Sounds like a hard place to come from Randolph. I applaud your teachers for taking their time with you and allowing you to expand your comfort zone at your own pace.
Wow. This is great, as Ive grown more as a dancer (especially bachata) Im getting these deep connections with certain women sometimes that I just couldn’t put into words, and theyve been incredibly intimate, and my body definitely felt it sexually in some cases, not always. Youve definitely cleared up a lot for me with this post. At the same time, I dont think Ive ever experienced that intimate connection without having a sexual interest in the follower, but at least I know that isnt necessarily the case with the lady, at least with bachata. Ive connected with followers bodies in dancing salsa without extended eye contact. Again, great read, learned a lot.
I not sure if I’m buying all of this talk. So what you’re saying is, you can put the label of dance on something and now any man can grind on my wife like he’s trying to start a family with her (which I’ve seen way too many at ballroom dances). I’ve been dancing for 6 months both group and private lessons and I happen to love it, with the exception of the many liberties other men are taking with women they aren’t committed to. Singles are on their own, they can do what they want, but I don’t want to have the images of other men rubbing against my wife in my head, a sight you can’t unsee! This may only be me, but I’m setting up boundaries and that is that!
This was written by a female dancer, men are always thinking about sex when dancing with a female and would take you to bed every time if given the opportunity, unless their happily married or in a serious committed relationship. Men are that way and you can’t change that by denying it.
Some polyamorous people don’t feel threatened or triggered by the intimate/sensual/sexual aspects of partner dances.
Also some people don’t view sex as special at all, but rather something like a bodily function.
With all that being said, thanks for this article that has allowed me to set boundaries in my relationship.
I like your post but was keen to explore more.
Do you think sexual attraction is different from sexual connection? In the normal world I’d guess people would say they were different things. I find many people sexually attractive but wouldn’t say I had a sexual connection with them. Unless the definition of finding someone attractive is different from finding them sexually attractive. I wonder if having a mutual sexual attraction to each other (dance partners) helps to have a good dance connection (or sensual)? …. and can still be non sexual.
I admit my question is poorly structured, my mind wanders with too many thoughts.
Where, if it does, does attraction come in to play.
I totally agreed with You, coming from Colombian, I grown up with intimate dances. When I discover Kizomba and Bachata I was very much aware that I can only connect and enjoy the dance if I trust my partner and felt that He is be moved by the music and the moment and they are not expected anything else. These two type of dancing is the only ones that I found uncomfortable for my husband ( a non dancer) see me taking part. He is very understanding, but human!!
As for my case, there are several dance partners with whom I enjoy dancing “intimately”, without feeling anything else about them. As well as some people enjoy having sex (with mutual consentement) without feeling “love” or “jealousy”. Everyone builds their own “scale” of intimacy as and when experiencing, and none of these scales is better than another…
I totally feel this is a matter of culture and cultural values and reference frame. Anglo-saxons culture like US, Canada, UK the commonwealth in general share a mostly conservative to very conservative culture, where people hardly ever come into physical contact with each other. At least not between persons of opposite sex, i.e. the bro manly hug is ok, great, but doing what we do in France “La Bise” i.e. giving that cheek contact without kiss, no lips contact, but touching cheeks on both sides to say hi, including between men, between ladies, or opposite sex, being just friends or family is commonly accepted. But in the UK or US this would shock people.
Just the same, dancing and defining what is intimate, sexual, what is ok or not is nothing absolute or universal. It’s relative to a culture ! Why is it not emphasised here ? I now live in New Zealand, an anglo saxon culture country with more conservative values than the UK for instance, where I’ve lived for 6 years and also dance salsa there. The result of this culture is : any contact or close perimeter between men and women is automatically seen, almost always, as sexual or inappropriate. Where in France or i.e. Columbia this would be commonly accepted due to people having a different referential, and being used to it.
So the question is perhaps really the difference, the distance between the dance cultural values i.e. Salsa or Kizomba carry southern body contact used to/prone cultural values, vs. the culture of the place that the dance is danced to.
Again in NZ id say 95% women would go mad if their man would be dancing salsa with another girl, and don’t even mention Kizomba. I cannot see myself explaining to my partner how dancing Kizomba is ok, because she’s a Kiwi (NZ) and for her just talking to another man, having a male friend while dating, is inappropriate. While again in France most people have friends of both sexes while dating. and this is absolutely fine. Things are based on trust not fear or the US justice system way : guilty until proven innocent. In france the justice system says: innocent until proven guilty.
One could tell me this has nothing to do with dancing ? oh actually it does it is all to do with the culture. The justice system too is defined by society choices themselves defined by the cultural values of the people.
Romain From France expat in NZ for 6 years.
Love the points you have here.
>>For other people, like myself, an intimate connection isn’t the same as a sexual connection. In fact, I find it easier to have an intimate connection with someone if there’s no pressure for a sexual connection (unless I’m dating them).
My husband had been saying the exact same opinion as above, for years. But when he met a sexy Russian married woman who is willing to be as sexual as she can be, thing changed. He kept on saying he is a serious dancer and she is a good dancer, so bar hopping and night club cruising with her are also dance training. He rented a beach house in a middle of nowhere, 1 hour away from his town and from her town as a “dance Studio”. That place did not even have a mirror, but they say they were only doing serious dance training for 3 hours at each time they were there, sometimes from 9 pm to 12 midnight. According to my husband, walking down the beach, holding hands with her or deep kissing her before they go home around 3 am, was OK because she is just a dance friend, not a girlfriend. He insists what he did were “dance dates”, not ordinary dates nor an affair.
So my point is, any intimate body touching activity with nice music under the low-light setting can be a slippery road to an infidelity for anyone.
I am sorry this was your experience… But it’s not everyone’s. This man abused the idea of a dance partner to have an affair.
Sapphire,
I like to say that dance is a social activity like any other and you make it what it is for you and what it is not. If someone is looking for an affair, they will find it at work or any other non-intimate place.
I am single lady in my 20s who would be just THRILLED to find a nice gentleman who knows how to dance and is looking for a romantic relationship with me. I go out dancing Latin dances a lot and it never got even close to that. Why? When I go dancing I am too focused on dancing and the music. I am not looking for dates on the dance floor – I go with the assumption we all came to the club to dance and everyone should be able to do that without unwanted advances. My dance community is small and friendly, I’d not want to break it for anyone.
My point is, just like everyone goes to work but only a few end up having affairs with their coworkers, a limited number of individuals on the dance floor will end up sleeping together (and majority of those were looking for it in the first place).
Sapphire:
Bottom line is your husband manipulated you …. from the sounds of it he played the typical abusive game where they make YOU think you are crazy for thinking that something is not right …. they bend and warp lines and boundaries. This can happen in ANY situation. It could have been work (well, gee, we have these deadlines and we HAVE to spend hours together after work to get them done), a friendship (well, you know she’s in a fragile place and she needs me right now), etc. Dance just happened to be his “excuse”.
For the VAST majority of dancers (and I can say this in confidence having been in the WCS dance scene for 17 yrs now) dance is a place where we get to connect with others, express ourselves, and create magical moments with others… with NO expectation of sex. Now, do sexual relationships happen? Of course. But they happen in the work place and life in general. Your husband just managed to find an “excuse” for his lack of integrity and his sexual needs.
Don’t blame the dance…. blame the person when these things happen. Yes, dance can perhaps make intimate/sexual connections “easier” to create, but in the end, we have the CHOICE to act on those connections and anyone with integrity will behave in a manner that is appropriate for their situation.
I personally find that dance is the place where I can “safely” connect intimately with others. Not to say I don’t have a few personal friendships that have a deeper level of (non-sexual) intimacy. But as a young woman I believed that intimacy and sex went hand in hand. I couldn’t understand friends who had friends of the opposite sex who they could cuddle with, or have any level of “connection” without it leading to sex. Dance is the place where I feel “safe” (most of the time… we all have had those creepy partners!) to explore deep connections and still have an accepted mutual boundary that both partners know not to cross. Honestly, I’d say that in 99% of my dances, the thought of anything beyond that 3 1/2 minutes of joy-filled connection just plain isn’t there – we are both just there to have fun and create magic (when we can), or laugh at our attempts at it.
Do I dance in a way that could be seen as sexual/flirty? Hell yes! If the ***MUSIC*** calls for it, I may (if the connection feels safe), play with what can look to be sexual moves – but ONLY with someone that I know understands that it’s all part of the game. When I talk to non-dancers about this, I equate it to Improv Acting. I could be put on a stage with the direction to be in some kind of flirty situation. I might even make out with the person on stage if that’s where the story-line went. But when it was all over and the curtain dropped, we’d hug it out and shake hands, say “Well Done”, and go grab a coffee. We just convinced an audience that we had this deep “connection”, (and to a point, for that situation, we did) but it was only because that story line/song called for it…. not because we have any inclination to take it beyond that scene/3 1/2 minutes.
I admit that when you get that one perfectly connected dance, the high is an amazing thing. To be that in-tune with someone that you almost know what the other is thinking …. it’s kinda the dancers Holy Grail. And I can understand why a non-dancer would mistake that connection with a sexual connection. I can even understand their jealousy that a non-dancer has that their partner may have had an incredibly intimate and connected dance with someone else, because that is what *they* want for themselves with their partner. I know before I danced, that would have been my reaction. In our screwed-up human way of seeing things, we forget to ask themselves WHY we are feeling challenged. If you truly TRUST your partner, and you know in your heart that their integrity is intact, then (in my experience) jealousy doesn’t enter the room…. but past hurts and even one’s own past behaviors can being up feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and lack of trust. For a dancer, having a partner like that makes it incredibly hard because we have to constantly monitor almost every move to ensure that we don’t upset them … (I know, I had a BF who initially thought the dance was great, until his past personal insecurity managed to rear its head!). Or the person stops dancing all together. I find it incredibly sad when I hear someone left the dance because of a jealous partner both because they just gave up their passion for the other, AND odds are that jealousy isn’t going to go away just because they are no longer dancing….it’s likely a symptom of something much, much deeper. Partner dancing just makes it much easier to bring it to the surface.
I think that the intimacy that dance affords us is a perfect place for many of us to work on our personal stuff (both as dancers and as the non-dancing partner) around the subject. Whether we get jealous, are fearful of being touched, have trouble actually looking someone in the eye (a BIG one for many), etc. We have this beautiful, safe community where we can practice connecting with others, 3 1/2 minutes at a time, dozens of times a night (and for the non-dancing partner, it’s a place to work to learn to find joy in seeing your partner having a great dance). For me, it’s been better than any therapy I have tried … on BOTH sides of the coin. 🙂
I really enjoyed reading through your thoughts about this topic and i totally agree on your points mentioned.
love how your said: “We have this beautiful, safe community where we can practice connecting with others, 3 1/2 minutes at a time, dozens of times a night”
I can relate so much to this, dancing has made me grow so much as a person.
One of the mistakes we make in discussing dance is joking about it being foreplay. Most of us have heard the line about dance being a vertical expression of horizontal desire. Fair enough, but I am 60 and a widower. I have no desire for a new romantic relationship but the physical intimacy of dance is a wonderful experience, very sensual, and it would be total nonsense to pretend that I don’t enjoy it in large part because I’m sharing the experience with a woman.
And that is why absolute respect and trust mean everything. The partners with whom I regularly dance intimately have become friends with benefits. And since both of us understand that is all it represents, it works wonderfully. I jokingly tell friends asking if I ever plan to marry again that I don’t need a sex life because I dance tango. Of course, it isn’t a joke.
Sensuality without sex is a perfectly healthy and sustainable choice. I remember reading that Italians and Jews both have significantly lower levels of alcoholism, believed in large part to be the result of the regular and ritualistic use of alcohol at meals, which builds a healthy relationship of drinking to a good life. Dancers who accept the carefully designed rules of physical intimacy in dance are also practicing a ritualistic sensuality (and I’m fine with those who want to call it sexuality) that is far less likely to lead to infidelity than having to hide such emotions.
And if my dance partner isn’t comfortable with intimacy? Then we dance open body and, as Rhett Butler said to Scarlet O’Hare, ” I shan’t be lonely. I’ll find comfort elsewhere.” With someone who is comfortable with me and I with them.
>>One of the mistakes we make in discussing dance is joking about it being foreplay. Most of us have heard the line about dance being a vertical expression of horizontal desire.<<
why is that a joke, for many people thats a main reason to do a partner dance, to have intimacy in a safe environment, for one dance, i feel rather uncomfortable if someone "executes dance moves" with or "on" me
I think Less was saying it’s a mistake to joke about dance being sexual – not intimate.
This comes back again to how different people view intimacy. Some people see it as an expression of sexual desire, and others see intimacy as a separate thing.
I can relate to you SO MUCH in this paragraph: “For other people, like myself, an intimate connection isn’t the same as a sexual connection. In fact, I find it easier to have an intimate connection with someone if there’s no pressure for a sexual connection (unless I’m dating them).”
I’ve had instances during a kizomba party where i would dance with a follower, having a very deep connection as described in the article and all of a sudden she would let go and thank me for the dance. I would always wonder why she would stop all of a sudden but it makes sense now.
Hi,
Thank you for addressing this topic so clearly!
I have been looking for ways to describe the differences between
intimacy and sexuality recently, but was never able to put it into words.
Would you mind if I would translate it into my mothertongue and repost it (With credit to you and link to the original post of course)?
Completely fine 🙂
“Triangles are my favorite shape. Three points, where two lines meet…”
What i want to say by that is, that i considre the three things intimacy, connection and sexuality as a triangle. Each one is connected to the two others and one can lead to another.
So to answer the question – Yes, they are concurrent.
What do i mean by “connection”? Short Version: how strong the dancers are connected on an emotional level. (See long version as a Note below).
1st expierence: Starting point “intimacy”
The first time an expirience made it to my long term ‘memory started at the point intimacy. When i asked “her” for a dance and took her hand even before we where on the floor my first thought was “This will be awesome”. And i was right. I can´t remember how well we got along technically, but i instantly had a intimate feeling with a glimpse of sexual interest. Both of them grew each party we met and that was the first time (and only time with that intensity) that i had weak knees. Sometimes we did thing appart from dancing and by that also a emotional connection showed to match in parts. Actually we never did “the” thing, which i regret little.
Expierence ‘#2 Starting Point “connection”:
Another happening in my memory was as i call it “an early bird dance”. On festivals i like to got to the very first workshops on a day. Me and everyone else is still a bit tired but filled with warm feeling of joy from the party before. The atmosphere is like a cozy pyjama party 🙂 I like to pick randomly someone i´ve never danced with. Since both of us are a bit tired everything goes a bit slow and goes unfiltered to the feeling. On that day i luckily could convince my self to ask her for a warm up dance. And it was sooooo soft and warm. It was like dancing in a dream. After half a song or so the connection was paired with a intense intimate feeling. It was the very same atmosphere when you wake up with someone on a lazzy sunny morning and do certain things as a celebration of you two.
Expierence #3 Starting Point “unknown” / Final Destination: “crazyness” ;>
This third expierence was far far far the most matching expierience i had in around 6 years Zouk and 12 years dancing in general (even if not 12 years on a high level). I can´t remember at which point of “my triangle” this started. I do remember that during the first dance i wan´t sure if she´s joking on me. But then i realized she was in “her” flow as well. After a few dances our flows aligned and from then it was a pure rush and exchange of peronality. Every step, every turn, every change in speed and change of tension of our hands, fingers, touch and body became a certain meaning. Every creation of distance of several meters and falling in each others arms was like a prewritten symphony.
All that time i didn´t had a sexual interrest even for the shortest split of a second. I´m not even sure if there was intimacy, but it was like finding someone who feels excatly like i do.
NOTE of emotional connection:
Let´s say a song transfers a mixture of emotions and every song has different proportion between the amount each emotion comes with. This “set” is going through your mind which acts like a filter (“changer”) and weights each amount of emotion with a certain gain. So YOUR output carries a part of your menthal “construction”. The more the dancers are “constructed” simillar and thier “emotion-gains”, the more thier output will match and create a harmonic feeling of a deep understanding for each other.
Hey, thank you so much for this explanation/exploration. It helps me out a lot with some confused feelings I have had, not really sure where I’m standing within the dance world. I learned how to dance at festivals and concerts where there were only maybe a few serious partner dancing men and women… and then the rest of the audience. In those environments, we’re not necessarily doing steps or a certain form of dance, just feeling the music and dancing a kind of fusion with elements of swing and ballroom and whatever. But lately I have gone to a couple of proper “dances” where that is the focus of the event. And I have had to try to learn the etiquette and rhythm of those kind of events. It has been a really fun challenge, also sometimes very awkward for me in moments where I feel like I don’t understand the rules/norms. But it has been making me grow, and also improve very much as a dancer!
I am especially appreciative of your comment at the end: let the less comfortable partner dictate the rules. That makes a lot of sense to me. When I read that, I recognized that sometimes I am the more comfortable person, and sometimes I am the less comfortable person, depending on my level of openness vs someone else’s, or just how I view physicality and sexuality vs how someone else views it. It’s kind of a tricky ballgame, but if we can pay attention, be mindful, and be gentle and tender with one another, then we can go through everything without a problem, with a respectful and consensual environment, which makes everyone have a better time and feel more comfortable. So that is very helpful insight for me, and makes me feel more confident in navigating dance situations moving forward. Thank you very much!
Namaste.
All that being said (which I agree with), for the sake of all those involved people who have difficulties with intimacy or sensuality on the dance floor should refrain from certain dance styles. As a kizomba/urban kis follower, it really pains me to dance with a lead that does not want to get close, is not able to express themselves sensually through music, etc. In kiz, literally some of the most basic moves you cannot do without body to body contact as the move is led either by leg-to-leg or chest-to-chest contact.
As someone mentioned, the follower who walks away from a great kiz partner because they were too intimate just isn’t for that dance style, and that’s okay! I’ve had several people tell me they stray away from kiz because it’s too intimate. All this is to say that a dancers personal preferences in regards to intimacy are not treated the same within all styles. In this case, I disagree that the less comfortable partner sets the rules.
I understand what you are saying, but I still think that the less comfortable partner sets the rules. Others just may choose not to dance with that person – or they may walk away from that style of dance!
I agree Laura you are right!
Thanks for your great nuanced article. I came across your article since I recently wrote and thought about what you call “intimate connection being grounded in sexual attraction” (https://philipp-eigner.medium.com/anti-sexist-dance-f8ebd78cd4eb). I concluded for myself that, yes, sexual attraction is a pre-condition for getting real close and fully enjoy the dance. Nevertheless “sexual attraction” in my definition doesn’t mean “I want to have sex with them or try to hook up”. I rather trace it back to biological processes of being repelled or attracted to things like body odour, skin structure, general appearance and so on. So actually that pre-condition in everyday dances often comes down to, I easily can have intimate dances with many different people, who aren’t repellent to me. The objective of those dances is never sexual, whereas the biological pre-conditions and also the aesthetics presented are.
This (supposedly paradoxical) gap between needing sexual mechanisms but not looking for sex is – in my opinion – maintained by a strong belief in what I would call “dance agreement” or “code of conduct”. This also allows me to build intimacy with many different dancers, even strangers, and not feel jealous at my partner when she builds that intimacy with others.
So, like in yours, also in my best dances there is no pressure for a sexual connection. So now I’m not quite sure in which of your categories I would sort me. What do you think? Could be, it’s a question of definitions of terms like “sexual” and “intimate”.
Thanks again, it was one of the most nuanced texts I’ve read on this topic yet.
My wife of 20 years discovered social dancing about three years ago. Dancing is not my thing, but I participated in lessons and discovered places to dance with her. She fairly quickly developed a group of “dance nuts“ that love West Coast swing, country two-step, and a few other dances that you’re more likely to run into socially. I felt that dancing could be a risk to my relationship, but I kept my cool, tolerated a lot of male attention toward my wife, and tried to keep up. There have been a few instances where Dance friends became a little more than I was comfortable with. While I trust my wife to fend off male relationships that threaten my own, I simply don’t trust her male dance partners. I regard her regular single dance partners as threats. Your article did an excellent job discussing intimacy and sexuality, but I don’t feel that most male dance partners can achieve intimacy without at least attempting to advance the relationship to something sexual. It’s fun to conceptualize and juxtapose intimacy and sexuality, but I would love to hear about your thoughts on the very real threats to relationships that can materialize and germinate between dance partners that flirt in that gray zone. My dance junkie doesn’t see the threat, hurt and insult that comes from regular male dance intimacy. Our marriage has been threatened twice by male dance partners that wanted to take trust, friendship and intimacy off the dance floor and to the next level.
It’s up to your wife to set her boundaries 🙂 Cheating is a human behaviour – not a dance one. I am unthreatened by my partner’s dance partners because I trust him. It doesn’t matter what the other person’s intentions are; I trust that he will be faithful to what he’s committed to.
The reverse is also true. I’ve had close male dance friends. Heck, I’ve stayed with some of them in their house before. Some of those men are attractive. But, my partner trusts me to manage my own responses and reactions to those people.
I totally feel this is a matter of culture and cultural values and reference frame. Anglo-saxons culture like US, Canada, UK the commonwealth in general share a mostly conservative to very conservative culture, where people hardly ever come into physical contact with each other. At least not between persons of opposite sex, i.e. the bro manly hug is ok, great, but doing what we do in France “La Bise” i.e. giving that cheek contact without kiss, no lips contact, but touching cheeks on both sides to say hi, including between men, between ladies, or opposite sex, being just friends or family is commonly accepted. But in the UK or US this would shock people.
Just the same, dancing and defining what is intimate, sexual, what is ok or not is nothing absolute or universal. It’s relative to a culture ! Why is it not emphasised here ? I now live in New Zealand, an anglo saxon culture country with more conservative values than the UK for instance, where I’ve lived for 6 years and also dance salsa there. The result of this culture is : any contact or close perimeter between men and women is automatically seen, almost always, as sexual or inappropriate. Where in France or i.e. Columbia this would be commonly accepted due to people having a different referential, and being used to it.
So the question is perhaps really the difference, the distance between the dance cultural values i.e. Salsa or Kizomba carry southern body contact used to/prone cultural values, vs. the culture of the place that the dance is danced to.
Again in NZ id say 95% women would go mad if their man would be dancing salsa with another girl, and don’t even mention Kizomba. I cannot see myself explaining to my partner how dancing Kizomba is ok, because she’s a Kiwi (NZ) and for her just talking to another man, having a male friend while dating, is inappropriate. While again in France most people have friends of both sexes while dating. and this is absolutely fine. Things are based on trust not fear or the US justice system way : guilty until proven innocent. In france the justice system says: innocent until proven guilty.
One could tell me this has nothing to do with dancing ? oh actually it does it is all to do with the culture. The justice system too is defined by society choices themselves defined by the cultural values of the people.
Finally everyone is different, in life, at work and in dancing too just the same! Now what we discuss here is quite a lot : the look and judgement that others take on us. Perhaps it’s none of their business unless they are your partner, and other’s judgment should be ignored. Also in the light of cultural differences, this is why people talk about dancers vs non dancers views. Some cultures make people so distance from day 1 that any close contact is seen as sexual, and there is no in-between! When science proves that it reinforces the immune system to get physical contact i.e.even just a hand on your shoulder or a hug every day. And that babies, abandonned during wars would develop mental retardation due to lack of affection and physical human contact, then it tends to show that we are perhaps definitely over judging close contacts, in western cultures, and under-estimating and under-using them.
How about this hypothesis: what if people that feel that “apeasing” pleasant, relaxing, soul soothing feeling in a close dance, so good and so addictive. How about it’s not just sexual, but instead a desperate call of the body from our deepest primary insticts to re-balance our brains using much needed contacts that we have lacked our whole life due to our western conservative culture ? and even more so in Anglo-saxon countries which again in my expat experience 6 years in NZ and 6 in the UK have got that contact deficit as obvious as the elephant in the china shop ! People are so far apart ! maybe we should be a bit more aware and judgmental of that instead.
Just the same why is sex so taboo in anglo saxon cultures, and guns are everwhere on movies, TV and kids games ? why should that be more acceptable than sex and promiscuity ? sex at least might lead to love and unity, while guns ??!
Again we are falling back on our legs like cats: the culture! culture ! culture !
I have the opposite perspective of intimacy, and I just realized from reading this that a major difficulty in my finding a life partner may stem from this. That perspective being: intimacy exists as an expression of life partnership, and sex is an expression of intimacy. Because when sex is just pleasure then society might as well be public orgies. If sex is just procreation then we might as well speed date parenthood.
So, when dance is an expression of intimacy AND sensuality, it might as well be sex to me. In fact, it would probably be easier for me to handle a mutually-sexual polyamorous relationship than to have my partner perform an intimate dance with a stranger.
I have no idea how I came to feel this way. It’s not representative of any relationship in my life.
Thank you so much for answering my question “How the heck can people dance intimately in public?” It’s not them, it’s me.