In dancing, there are three stages where most dancers deal with deep feelings of frustration or apathy – and sometimes even leave the scene. Some dancers get stuck in these for a long time – while others may only spend a short time there. But, it’s rare to bypass a stage completely.
I call these stages the three circles of Hell for dancers:
- Beginner’s Hell
- Plateau Purgatory
- Snob Inferno
Circle 1: Beginner’s Hell
Beginner’s Hell is what happens when you first start learning a dance – but nothing quite works yet. It’s also the only hell a dancer will always encounter each time they start a new dance. Most of us have heard of this before.
In this stage, the frustration stems from not being able to do anything right. Staying on time is a struggle. Steps are confusing. Connection is a difficult task. Dancers crossing over from other genres may also struggle with accidentally inserting completely unrelated movements into the flow of a new dance.
For some, this stage passes quickly. For others, it can last an impossibly long time. It lasts until a person has learned how to navigate and survive the social dance floor.
The best way to leave this stage quickly is to practice – both in a classroom and on the social dance floor. You can also practice at home, watch videos, and listen to the music. Regardless of how long the stage lasts, take solace in the knowledge that you only ever have to go through this once in each dance you try.
Circle 2: Plateau Purgatory
Plateau Purgatory is when you have reached a functional level in dance… but fail to grow further. Every attempt at bettering your dance feels like the endless input of energy for no gain.
Typically, dancers first encounter this plateau at the early to mid intermediate level – but it can recur several times at different levels. Even advanced dancers are not immune to plateau purgatory!
Many dancers equate this purgatory with the feeling of being on a comfortable (but boring) autopilot feeling. Leaders may get into a pattern rut, where they keep regurgitating the same things over and over. Follows may keep messing up the same things repeatedly or using the same styling and body movements, even if they’re able to follow most common social dance patterns.
Plateaus can last anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple years. The only way out is through – so buckle up, and keep working away at it. You may feel like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, but you will eventually reach your next breakthrough. And when you do, it will be glorious!
Circle 3: Snob Inferno
This is a hell that [usually] first strikes dancers between the early-intermediate and early-advanced levels. And, many of them feel shame about it.
Typically, dancers get to a point where they’re happy with their dancing – when they’re with a ‘good’ partner. But, things are less fun and go less smoothly with a ‘bad’ partner. Thus, the ‘snob ego’ develops. These dancers feel comfortable with their own dance, but have yet to master the ability to compensate for their partner.
Some dancers know they’re becoming snobby, and feel terrible about it. They feel guilty for not enjoying dances with so many nice people. So, they put on a false happy face and pretend to make the most of every dance – even if they’re bored or frustrated. These dancers typically escape snobdom earlier than others.
Others feel they are entitled to act on their snobbiness. They make no effort to hide their disdain for partners they feel are less accomplished or savvy. They may have a disinterested air when dancing with novice or newcomer dancers. Some of these dancers never leave the Snob Inferno.
To escape the inferno, dancers need to come to terms with how to create a good experience independent of their partner. They need to learn how to work with dancers who have poor connection or uninteresting movements. They need to create fun – rather than wait to be entertained.
This is why the ones who feel guilty typically escape the inferno earlier. They don’t like what they feel themselves becoming – so they are motivated to get out. They want to figure out how to work with less-savvy partners to create a good experience.
“This will never be me!”
If you think “this will never be me,” be careful. The Snob Inferno can be very hard to detect. For example, there are some dancers who say “I have fun with everyone – except for all those people with poor connection and basics.” As a preference, this is fine. For example, “I prefer dancing with people that have good connection and basics.”
But, if you claim that they “don’t belong in our scenes” or feel like they “don’t work hard enough” in their dancing simply because their basics or connection aren’t that great, you may be in the Snob Inferno.
Please note that ego as related to condemning poor connection or basics is not referring to keeping yourself safe during a dance. It is in reference to people who roll their eyes and get negative even when the lack of basics or connection present no danger to them. You can decline movements, ask for what you need, or decline dances without it being a result of the ego inferno.
In Conclusion
Luckily, the dance hells don’t last for eternity. They are a passing state of frustration, apathy, or ego. They may take longer to work through for some, but you can leave each of them. Whether it’s through learning your basics, challenging yourself, or changing your attitude, all three can be overcome.
Perhaps there’s even a dance heaven on the other side… [*Hint*]
Have you found yourself in any of the dance hells? Let us know what you think in the comments below.
I love all your articles and totally agree with this one. But…there are times when do feel I have paid my dues. Sometimes, depending on my mood and the mood of the scene that night, I just want it to be just for me. At other times, I will dance with a beginner, with no agenda. (Or at least not a verbalized one…) Am I a bad person?
Agreed. The dance snobery is very tricky concept. Dancing should not be just about giving, but also receiving joy. And it is very tricky to find out where to draw the line. Where you can really complain and reject the bad dance, because it is your right. And when you are doing it, because you are a snob. For the rejecting person there is basically no difference – he is rejecting or complaining because he does not enjoy that dance or partner. But for the surrounding opinion, there may be huge difference.
Personally Im strugling in two areas:
1) Everlasting begginers. Now to be clear, I dont mind dancing with begginers. But usually it is temporary stage for them. The begginers either leave the scene (they try it and dancing is not for them) or improve by practice and classes. But I know few (followers) who just dont improve. And what is worse for me, they dont try to improve. I would say that for me the problem is not a skill level. But the attitude. Basically these are follows with mentality “I dont have to go to classes, because you should lead me.” And after three years of dancing they can not keep the salsa rhytm in basic step, they can not keep basic connection, etc.
These are the dances I accept just out of politness. And run away as soon as I can. My thoughts are “If these follows are not willing to do anything so I enjoy the dance, why should I?”
2) Monopolizing by beggining partners. Being a begginer is hard. If you dance with others on your level, you just step on each other. And you have to fight for dances with more advanced leaders. They just dont go for you so much and spent most of the time with other advanced partners. So some follows tend to do one thing – once you dance with them few times and compliment them (Im always trying to give possitive feedback.) they dont leave you alone. They are always at your side asking for the dance every time you are free making sure, they will be the first ones. Not giving any space for you to ask somebody else or being asked by someone else.
This can also get very annonying. Even when you would like to dance with that person from time to time, by this behaviour they are just pushing you away.
Basically these are two situation that can make my blood boil and get me to the state where all my smiles are pretended and my state of mind enters the the mood “Im too good for this” 🙁 And whenever I read about dance snobery, Im not sure how much I should fight these feeling in these situations.
Jimmy and Gale,
There’s absolutely frustrating behavior. I totally agree. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the occasional frustration we have with certain people.
Not being a snob doesn’t mean you MUST enjoy every dance. It simply means treating dancers of a lower level with respect, and not making them feel ‘privileged’ to dance with you. When you do dance with someone, frustrated or not, do you try to make it an enjoyable experience? When you decline, do you do it in a kind way? Or, do you roll your eyes and behave disinterested?
To me, that is what people mean when they’re speaking of dance snobs.
A lot of people do imply or even outright say that you should enjoy every dance, no matter the level. You only need to look at the regular comments in dance related facebook groups.
One aspect I haven’t seen mentioned related to dancing with beginners is that it can often be much more physically tiring, as they don’t yet have the smoothness and you’re essentially forced to stop and start your movement regularly. For the same physical effort I can either dance one fast song with a beginner or two fast songs with a more experienced dancer.
In any case, I stick to the principle I’ve used ever since starting almost six years ago: I only ever ask people whom I can reasonably expect to enjoy the dance.
Excellent per usual, Laura!
One thing I recommend as a potential aid through the Plateau Purgatory is experiencing the dance in a new way. If you’ve only ever done social dancing, maybe try joining a team or putting together a choreographed routine. Or if you’ve learned a dance through choreography, try focusing on social dance for a while. If you’ve only ever danced as a lead, try experiencing the dance as a follow (or vice versa). Try learning another style in addition to whatever dance you’re currently focused on– you’d be surprised at how concepts from one dance can assist you in a totally unrelated dance. Take a ballet, jazz, contemporary, or acro-yoga class to develop body awareness and flexibility. Find a practice partner and put in some extra time with them. If you’ve only done group classes, try a private lesson. Take coaching from a visiting pro you trust who you haven’t worked with before. Visit an event you’ve heard good things about but have never attended. Maybe– if after consideration you think it would help you– try competing for the first time. Or if the competitions are draining you, go to an event and don’t compete– just take workshops and social dance.
I’ve found most of the time that changing up one’s relationship to the dance is the quickest way through the plateau, and helps push dancers to the next stage of growth. Even if the change doesn’t help you advance in level, it breaks the monotony of feeling that you’re just going out and doing the same thing every time and can reinvigorate a love of the dance.
Great blog post! The only times I refuse to dance with someone is if they refuse to learn and grow, or they do something really annoying, painful, or dangerous. (Or I’m too tired to dance, lol, and then I don’t dance with anyone.)
@Gale: Here’s some things to think about:
1.) If you feel you have paid your dues, does that mean you feel like you’re “done” paying them? I think that there’s always something more to learn and understand, even at the “top.”
2.) I make it a priority to learn to have fun with *any* dancer. The challenge I work on as a lead is to try to figure out how far I can push the connection, even if it’s a “bad” connection with a beginner. They respond funny to a lead? Well, now I know how they respond to that lead, and I can play with that in interesting ways, or maybe even, through subtle cues in my leading help them understand the way connections can work a bit better. I’m not sure what the follow equivalent would be, I do follow but I’m much better at leading, lol…
3.) You’re never a “bad” person, that’s very dehumanizing! You’re a critical and self aware person struggling with decisions. I’ve got nearly 20 years of dancing under my belt, now, and I get these feels, too. My thinking is, at some level you need to take care of and be compassionate towards yourself. Sometimes, that means you really need and crave a certain kind of dance. But that can also mean working with newer people, just like more advanced dancers worked with you when you were new, to help maintain your scene and have more people learning and becoming people you enjoy dancing with. Everyone wins!
Sometimes you can reach a plateau because you are arrogant and/or simply not good enough. I think we have all been through different stages of these so called hells but sometimes it’s simply because we lack talent, or just latent rhythm.
I have seen it and met people complaining about it, and possibly even lived it.
Problem is, no one will ever tell you something like that straight out, and neither they should. EVERYONE can learn to dance and share I. The joy.
Have you met the person who sounds off about all the plateau, but will not commit to a private or 3 because they are not ready or cant find the right teaxher or whatever? I call BS!
Next event book a private with the most relevant person or couple. If you, Luke me, are a larger leader they find that big guy and ask him for help. … Tell him to rip you apart – you are commuted to improvement and you are ready for the truth even if it breaks your heart
… say, ” If I have no rhythm tell me and help me with some strategies to develop it!” A really good pro should have strategies, even if it means a study and practical excersizes, simply listening to music.
My dance community it’s having a momentum and it seems like everyone wants to dance Lindy over my city… but an AWFUL lot of leaders have became ugly snobs (I’ve almost 2 years dancing, and them maybe 5 or more: I dance decently).
They look over the shoulder of many followers, and always dance with the ones they already know: teachers, or the ones with the same experience, the stars. I know their faces and they know mine (it’s strange I keep on seeing more and more people learning to dance but NOT going to parties, so as a result we’re not such a big community) and just with a brief look I already know we just won’t match.
It’s clear they think less of me, and others like me (I guess this is not exactly “personal”… even though last year a boy said seriously THROUGH another friend of mine that he just didn’t want to dance with me when she asked him jokingly on my behalf. And I swear we were just being funny, I know how to ask for my own dances, thank you).
I dance a lot with other followers and they love my spirits (my clothes too, ha!) and the way I’m always smiling and giving sincere compliments, but no. That group just refuse to dance with people like me. But, What’s the main problem, then? I guess I can stand being snubbed twice a week by some weirdos, no biggie.
The problem is that there’s not many leaders… and I’m getting tired of finding the same faces all around once and once again. Sometimes it’s like Groundhog Day: the exactly same social dance, but in a different scenario.
So, here we have this crowded dance floor: over here we’ve the snobs that think we’re not worthy a song, and over there you’ve “Insert any names you want” whom I already know and I’m getting tired of dancing with. Some are great and I enjoy fondly our dance, of course. Others are stuck in a routine, and sometimes there’s a tiny bunch of frightened beginners (2-3!?) whom I share a nice number and a warm genuine smile, hopping they stay and bring new faces to the lot.
Snob’s corner, Groundhog Guys… and a medium average of not totally satisfying/happy danced songs. I feel strange when leaving the place, not knowing if I actually enjoyed the whole event. Some weeks I’m disappearing because I just don’t know how to deal with this, and it makes me sad because I DO love to dance 🙁
Any suggestions?
I don’t think that being snobby is really the correct word. Dancers should be more selective and dance to please themselves first and the community second and some nights just themselves. Different venues will have a different vibe and a dancer that likes you in one venue might very well not be interested in a different venue for any number of reasons. Or a dancer has access to people they don’t see very often or that they really want to dance with…why should they pay the entry fee to make someone else happy? You show up because you find that it’s fun, so why wouldn’t they? Yes, some are snobby and snotty, but I think most are just following natural instincts, choosing to please to people they see regularly or those they know will be fun in some way. There might very well be no obvious difference between the women sitting and the ones the advanced dancers are playing with, but there is definitely some difference if only in the social interactions. Somewhere around the 5-10 year mark you start to know if a potential partner is likely to be a bad match for yourself and also whether or not you will be willing to do the work to make the dance fun despite the issues that might arise. When the answer is no, then you should say no. When the answer is maybe then it’s time to suggest a different song or a different time whether at that venue or some other night. Physical challenges (shoulder injury, tricky back, bad knees, tired feet, etc., etc.), energy levels (draining to dance with those that you have to do all the work for and then pretend to like it or those who are likely to follow you around like a lost puppy not giving you space to choose whom you want to dance with). Resentment really only hurts those harboring the grudge, the ones begin grudged against are generally too busy dancing or socializing with friends to notice.
There are so many awkward stages both in your dance development and social development with other dancers.
At first, everything is so much fun and there is so much joy with each and every dance! Everything and everyone is brand new and each dance is an adventure. Dance fever = wanting to dance every song with anyone who is willing.
Somewhere, typically in the first 1-3 years, one finds that some people are difficult for them to dance with or not enjoyable or they just plain do not like the personality that they’ve seen or they feel they have been snubbed in the past and do not want to experience that again. At that point many people start to feel excluded. It is often much harder for the women as frequently there are lots of women wanting to follow and dance to everything while there are fewer leaders and many of them are more selective of the music, the dance floor, and their partners so a venue with a 50/50 gender balance is still very much off for the women. So more and more women are sitting out and trying to figure out why. Many take the same beginning group classes over and over again, they can follow patterns, they’re nice to everyone and still they sit unless they become aggressive (whether intentionally or not it doesn’t matter as, this only gets you the one dance as dancers will quickly avoid aggressive and unpleasant interactions). Many postulate that younger and prettier women are getting the dances (I can tell you that younger women often have an advantage in terms of balance and agility and not having technique is actually easier to handle than having rigid patterns, plus the newbies are so sweet and happy with each dance they get, but it is not only because of youth and attractiveness). This is often the stage where technique in movement and partner connection and musicality need some serious attention.
Working on technique, connection, and musicality is a double edged sword. Improvement leads to selectivity in who you choose to dance with. Once you have better balance getting thrown around often becomes annoying. The same goes for connection, getting your arm and hand yanked and twisted just feels horrible once you know what feels right. Musicality become important when the leader has a disconnect with the music it is so hard to follow a lead when the music is giving a different timing.
Try taking up an exercise form such as yoga that improves strength and flexibility or ballet that improves balance and see if something can complement your dancing and give you more satisfaction where you are not dependent upon others.
My suggestion is to find other venues or dances to branch out to. Within most dance communities you can find group lessons, social dances, festivals, private lessons and practice teams. If one is losing it’s charm then try another. Group lessons typically have a fair rotation of everyone. social dances often have a core of dancers that try to be welcoming, festivals are everyone for themselves, private lessons are all about you and practice teams are a great way to get to know people better.
For those who are more socially challenged (introverts like myself) try asking someone new to dance each time you go out.
Fortunately even though you may cycle through all of these stages more than once most of the negative ones pass through relatively quickly once you have learned some coping techniques.
I’m one of those follows that Sara mentioned. I’ve really not been dancing that long but am starting to feel more confident. The scene in my area is very small. I’ve been to a few different clubs and usually see the same 20 or so people who all seem to know each other and prefer to dance with each other pretty exclusively. It’s hard to crack into that group/level of dancing that I really strive to be as good as because I’m an unknown and perceived as just a beginner who will continue to dance with the other beginners. I know I still have a lot to learn but I pick up on little things pretty quickly and when, on the rare occasion, I am asked to dance with a more experienced dancer I really get a lot out of it. I suppose it’s a fourth “hell”. The “I wanna be like you so please just let me in and I promise I don’t suck and I’ll get better if you give me a chance for Pete’s sake!” Hell.
Lol, great article! Reminds me of the parable of the long spoons. http://theunboundedspirit.com/heaven-and-hell-the-parable-of-the-long-spoons/
I find dancers who are typically in dance “hell” are the ones who are there to “just dance.” By all means, if two people are at an advanced level and just want to tear it up for 3-5 minutes, that’s fantastic. Go for it, the rest of us love to watch you. It’s like front row seats to dancing with the stars. But if you go to the social with the expectation of every dance being that way, you’re going to have a bad time. There’s a reason it’s called “social” dancing. It’s socializing. It’s an opportunity to communicate through 4/5 senses: sight, sound, touch, and smell (no tasting in public please, and can I get an amen for people who smell really good?)
Seriously, I overhead a conversation among some very lovely Salseras a few years ago, what’s worse a lead who’s too handsy or a lead who smells bad, they all agreed, a lead who smells bad — as they made gagging faces just thinking about it. lol
Anyway, I find people who go in with the expectation to have several different social interactions on several different levels tend to have a much better time. So, especially when you’re a beginner, or dancing with a beginner, pick spots far enough away from the speakers that you can break up the dance practice by just doing the basic and — practicing conversation skills. This goes for “followers” too. Just because your role and responsibility is follow in the “traditional dance,” doesn’t mean you have to wait to be led in every other aspect of life too. If you do that you’re going to have a bad time… Experienced followers who are even the slightest bit mindful can politely help a new lead with the fundamentals of the basic footwork, listening for the count, and concepts of frame and connection. Remember when you were in kindergarten and your teacher said, “use your words”? Yeah, for anyone finding themselves in “snob inferno” try to behave more like an encouraging partner, and less like a dissatisfied customer at a brothel.
After that, it’s like, hey! This isn’t a competition! We’re just supposed to be having fun right now. Social dancing attracts a very diverse crowd, and we all have something in common – which is that we like to learn! So, compliment, compliment, question. Bonus points if you can slip in a good joke without being too vulgar or sarcastic with someone you don’t know very well yet. Take a genuine interest in other people, but don’t pry. There’s a lot of very interesting people who do interesting things besides dancing. It feels good to have other people take a genuine interest in getting to know you, but respect that sometimes people are really shy or just want to be a face in the crowd. If you want to be a good dancer, then step 1 is getting the right philosophy, which is NOT that you’re there to be entertained or have other people make you feel good, it’s that you’re there to entertain others and help them feel good.
#FreeHugsOnTheDanceFloor
I remember saying at some point to a friend at the end of an event last year that I only had one good dance and the rest were just frustrating because many of the dancers were beginners or improvers and I wanted to practice my higher level skills. That was my inadvertent entry into snob inferno.
Or perhaps it was just purgatory as I managed to escape it quite quickly. Maybe it was through this blog or elsewhere (I can’t pinpoint it) but I realized that if I want to dance with as many people as I wanted in a social setting, I’d have to switch levels or throw out more challenging moves in order to fulfill the primary goal of a dance: to have a good time. I learned to compensate, I became more patient, I developed a better sense of floorcraft (so that I could prevent the less disciplined follows from crashing into someone on the dancefloor). I also viewed beginners and improvers as opportunities to reinforce my basics and to learn additional, simpler moves which would help them and me in the long run. Most important, I wanted to give an aspiring dancer practice so that she can become better more quickly, which in the long run would lead to a better dance, a better dancer and a regular dance partner. I think this approach has made me a better dancer.