A couple is embracing on the dance floor. The follow’s hips are swaying side to side as the lead signals just how to move. The music is deep and strong, pulsing through the dancers’ interpretations of rhythm, lyrics, and melody. The partners are in their own world; oblivious to the many other dancers around them in the dimly-lit and steamy room.
Is their dance Sensual, Sexual, or Sexy? Your answer likely has a close tie to your dance background, culture, and comfort level on the dance floor. For example, a Kizomba dancer will have a very different interpretation of these concepts than a Lindy Hopper. And, latin dancers are frequently surprised at how sensitive West Coast Swing dancers are when it comes to sensual expression on the dance floor.
But, even with these differences of opinion, there are some constants with how we would define sexy, sensual, or sexual.
Defining“Sexy”, “Sensual” and “Sexual”
Overall, “Sexy”, “Sensual” and “Sexual” are usually defined as the following:
- Sexy: How someone moves their body and interprets the music while appearing desirous or attractive.
- Sensual: A (generally desirable) state of deep connection and trust between partners that is flirtatious, romantic, etc. AND ‘proper’ according to the dance’s etiquette.
- Sexual: A (generally undesirable) state of expressing sexuality on the dance floor. Frequently equated with poor social dance etiquette, touching in inappropriate areas, a sexual gaze, or over-the-top sensual/sexual movements. (Note: if two partners are willing to be sexual, they may be enjoying the sexuality of the dance – but it generally gets interpreted the wrong way by those surrounding them).
As a summary: Sensual is usually good, Sexual is usually bad, and Sexy is something a dancer is and inhabits on their own.
Recognizing Your Perceptions of Sensuality and Sexuality
It is important for dancers to recognize their unique vantage point when it comes to sensuality and sexuality. This can be influenced by many factors:
- Their home dance style’s dance culture
- Their own comfort level with sexiness
- Their cultural environment
- Their perceived understanding of the other dance
For example, Zouk and Kizomba often get branded as ‘sexual’ from some outside dance styles in North America. The closeness and body waves in the body core area frighten some people. Particularly for dances coming from an open-style embrace, these dances seem too ‘sexual’ for tastes. In my opinion, North American culture also has a different attitude towards the core and midsection of the body than some other areas in the world. To me, it appears in North America that leg-emphasized dances (i.e. Tango) enjoy more of a ‘Sensual’ label than core-emphasized dances (i.e. Kiz/Zouk) that often get branded as ‘Sexual’.
Dancers can also project their own insecurities on another dance style. I felt deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being ‘Sexy’ for a long time, and found myself much quicker to judge ‘Sexy’ dances as ‘Sexual’ rather than ‘Sensual’ until I reached a greater feeling of comfort with my own body and movements.
Lastly, it is easy to pass an opinion on a dance without actually understanding the mechanics. Waltz is not exactly considered sexy, but has much more body contact in the hip region than many other dances that are considered much more sexual. A better bet is to take a class in the style, or experience a social dance with a higher-level dancer, to understand the base mechanics of what is going on in the dance.
Applying the Appropriate ‘Dance Etiquette” to Sensuality and Sexuality
One of the biggest confusions happens when dancers cross over, or newer dancers attempt to emulate something they have seen another couple do. For example, I am personally not considered a particularly sensual or sexy Zouk dancer, but the instant I cross into West Coast Swing I’m often told that I move very “sexily”. Further, many Lindy Hop dancers looking in on Kizomba may be turned off by its “sexuality”, whereas the Kizomba dancer may simply see what is happening as “sensual”.
It is possible to make any dance fit any ‘comfort level’ in terms of sensuality. A general rule of thumb: it is usually a safer bet to go with the lower comfort level. It is also useful to remember that a bad experience is not necessarily representative of the larger dance community.
How to Avoid Being “Sexual”
- Don’t hold someone closer than they feel comfortable with… if they’re tense, loosen up
- Avoid positions that allow a partner to feel your ‘junk’, or that would put you in a position to feel theirs
- Try not to hold too tightly
- For the love of all that’s good, do not breathe heavily into, lick or otherwise assault their ear, face or neck.
- Avoid roaming hands syndrome.
- Avoid a piercing, heated stare that remains constant throughout the whole dance
- Smile occasionally!
How to Embrace Your Inner “Sexy”
- Use movements that feel good to you – what someone else does may not necessarily look right on your body
- Be OK with messing up
- Smile!
- Listen to the music
How to Embrace Dance “Sensuality”
- Listen to the music
- Slow it down; let your partner catch and keep up with you
- Smile
- Focus most on your partner, and connecting your movements together
- Be willing to experiment and make mistakes
“But I like mixing sexuality and dancing!”
As long as everyone is consenting, you can do whatever you want with a partner. However, if you are part of a scene you are trying to grow, be aware that how you conduct yourself on the dance floor will have a direct impact on how others view your dance style – including whether they want to try it, and emulating how they should act.
I can’t count the number of times someone has emulated a behaviour that seemed fine because of who was interacting… only to have their attempt massively backfire because they misread whether the other party was OK with being sexual.
Final Thoughts:
Never let a dance get away from you because it looks too ‘Sexual!’ Give it a chance, explore the culture of the dance, and recognize that you can adjust the level of sensuality in any dance to reflect what you are comfortable with 🙂
Very nicely written – can’t agree more!
Thank you!
Hey very interesting blog!
“Never let a dance get away from you because it looks too ‘Sexual!’” – yes! I avoided Kizomba for months — mostly because I felt it would confuse my salsa learning, but also partly because it seemed so overtly sexual. I’m glad I gave it a shot, because neither ended up true, and its now my favorite form of dance. Kiz has helped me become a far better lead (more clear, more conscious of body position and weight transfer) in all types of dancing.
Re the impression of sexuality, I at one point found myself stepping in to counteract a local (respected!) salsa musician’s characterization of Kizomba as “classless.” So sad, especially from someone who represents another dance seen by many as sexual! As you say – its all about viewpoint.
Re sexuality on the dancefloor, I’ve found that people who come to dance for the wrong reasons don’t usually last very long. In an empowered community (one which I’m lucky to find myself in, and have tried hard to help promote) unintentional bad behavior is gently corrected, and intentional bad behavior isn’t tolerated. That’s the way it should be – creating a safe and welcoming environment for your partner should also extend to not ever turning a blind eye to clearly unwelcome things happening around you. (ESPECIALLY if someone comes to you asking for help!) If you don’t feel comfortable taking action, *do* feel comfortable talking to a teacher or community leader.
I’ll keep plowing through your blog – great stuff!
Great article thanks for sharing. I’m new to kizomba and being a shy guy I do find sometimes the contact of a very attractive girl gets my energy too hot. Hot meaning my focus shifts away from dancing and onto thoughts of how sexy this girl is in my arms. This feeling when becoming to hot is debilitating to my dance. Now to cool down what are my options? Not ask attractive girls to dance? Make space from the girl when I need to? Would I just gently push her away creating distance and creating an open embrace? Suggestions? I’d assume with time I’d become desensitized with such contact.
Depends on what works for you! There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to handle it. If creating space works for you, then use that 🙂
Depends a lot on the individual person too – I have had some dances that many, even in the Latin dance world, would say tilted to the ‘sexual’ side, occasional intense eye contact included, but both of us enjoyed anyway. And depends on the relationship between the dancers, too. I make all my motions very Latin without necessarily meaning to while dancing blues, but people I know aren’t put off, and a couple dancers I’m close to like it and work with it. And I’ve seen married couples do really weird floor acrobatics type stuff on the dance floor that probably couldn’t be pulled off with strangers. Personally I think it’s important to remember that a dance is between the two people dancing, and that trumps everything else. As that applies to this article…well, if a dance turns “sexual” but still carries the connected feeling and positivity of “sensual” to those dancing, no need to be put off by someone’s definition of the terms as desirable or not.
You have a great way of explaining the sensuality of these dances perfectly and how each may differ. Love the perspectives you put into place. Will definitely be referencing your blog a lot. Keep up the great content!!!!
Hi, Laura,
You mentioned it was ok to repost your article, and this saves me a lot of time from having to explain sensual vs sexual, etc.
Hope it’s okay to repost…
Txxx