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I just finished listening to a very powerful video from Kizomba Harmony’s Billy Myles. It focuses on the rape culture underpinnings of many dance communities – and I have to say I agree with almost every word.
This man wasn’t the first to start opening the issue of rape. However, Myles’ influential status gives him a very strong platform to wrench the lid further off the proverbial can.
But, I’m not here to re-hash what this man said so brilliantly in this video. I’m here to talk about why what he did is so very important to the dance community.
Dark Corners
Many social dancers place our communities on a pedestal. We view them as wonderful, loving, community-oriented places where everyone can be themselves and find joy. We prefer not to look at the dark corners.
How do I know this? Because every time I write an article about a ‘dark corner’ topic, I get people reminding me about ‘how good we have it’ – and ‘how good’ dancers are. And, sometimes it’s true. There are amazing people in dance.
But, we’re not that good. We’re not a superior group of people who are magically exempt from issues of the real world because we happen to dance.
On the contrary, our communities are a microcosm of the larger world, tied together by one thing: dancing.
That’s it; that is literally the only thing that ‘defines’ our communities. Some people dance because they simply love it so much. Many are also there to meet people or to stay in shape. And yes, there is a small minority who dances for nefarious reasons.
Dancers include people from virtually every walk of life. From hardcore conservative Christians, super-liberal social justice warriors, misogynists, feminists, jerks, kind people, poor people, rich people. The list goes on.
This means that we have the same problems as the rest of the world.
Shining Light
Because our communities are on a pedestal, we hesitate to shine light on our bad parts. I’ve lost track of the number of people who don’t want to talk about ‘drama’, or don’t want to ‘scare people away.’
So, they don’t talk about the problems lurking in our dark corners. They don’t talk about rape, theft, assault, abuse of power, drug and alcohol use, and depression (to name a few).
Yes, these topics are dark. And yes, they may scare some people away. But, not dealing with the issues does far worse things than open condemnation.
For example, there was an event where several first-time congress girls were groped on the dance floor by ‘professionals’. When I talked to the girls, they told me about the experience – and how they didn’t think they’d be travelling anymore.
Why? Because they thought this behavior was normal.
Just think about that: when we don’t talk about the things that shouldn’t be happening, newcomers who are exposed to that behavior think that this behavior represents our community. Is that really the impression we want to give people about our world? I reckon that will do a lot more harm than talking about the issues.
Bigger Shadows
Most serial killers didn’t start by killing someone. They ‘scale up’ to the behavior over time.
The same happens with almost any type of bad behavior. The first time is the ‘hardest’. After that, subsequent incidents tend to become both more severe and ‘easier’ to commit. This includes bad behavior in dance scenes.
When victims of poor behavior are shuffled into corners and silenced to preserve reputations or prestige, we allow these behaviors to flourish. The perpetrators of bad behavior become drunk on power – even though that power is only evident in the dance scene.
Further, future victims become less likely to speak out. They may either mistakenly believe they are alone, or feel like it won’t make a difference anyway.
Most of the reports I’ve seen of bad behavior come from anonymous sources, influential individuals, or people who have left the dance scene. I don’t think this is a coincidence. I think it’s intrinsically linked to having less to lose, or the clout to be believed.
If we want to expel the shadows, we need to face the issues. We need to talk about (and condemn) them. Turning away and pretending it doesn’t exist won’t work.
Ostrich Dancers
If you are a dancer who prefers not to think or talk about the issues, you are enabling the behavior. You are the ostrich that sticks their head in the sand.
That doesn’t mean that you need to be on the front lines – or that we should (as the video puts it) ‘witch hunt’ based on unsubstantiated stories. Or, that we need to make a hard-line decision without all the information. But, you owe it to our wonderful community to not ignore the bad parts.
What Myles did was shine a light squarely on a major issue within our communities. They have chosen not to ignore what goes on in every community – not just Kizomba.
In 2017, let’s think about illuminating our dark corners. That doesn’t mean we have to forget about all the brilliance and wonder – it just means we need to take off our rose-colored glasses and exchange them for clear ones.
I’m ready to see these changes happen. Are you?
Not sure if it was intentional to omit, but the video in question can be found here:
https://www.facebook.com/KizombaHarmony/videos/1021261064646012/
Hi Ben,
The video should be embedded in the article. I’m not sure why it’s not working.
This is a great article, and it sums up so perfectly what is happening right now in our Miami scene. No one wants to talk about it, or know the details because of “drama”. When abusive people run rampant, what else can be expected but drama and situations. If only someone would standby those that come forward for the good of all…
It is a really tough subject… and everybody is probably guilty of being aware of the wrong doings, but accepting it as a norm and not wanting to cause a drama because it is perceived as a norm. I was definitely taken advantage of on the dance floor when I first started out dancing – leads that held me too close, dipped me too low, leered, or had hands that ‘guided’ across my chest. But I had plenty of good dances to counter those bad experiences and I eventually learned to avoid such leads or take control during the dance to avoid being a victim. But when I see these predatory leads preying on other beginner followers, I sometimes think “it is a rite of passage” and it’s inevitable in the salsa scene. That if they (the girls) want to get anywhere in the dance scene, they’ll have to learn how to deal with such leads. But I agree that that mindset in itself is the problem. That I and others in the community who are 100% aware that this is occurring, accept it as it is. These leads can get away with it, even if reprimanded once or twice, because there’s a constant flux of beginners. Those victims either 1) keep dancing and learn better like I did, or 2) give up on dance because they are scared of the community. Laura, what do you think is a workable solution?
Hey Jeanel,
To me, predators exist where they’re able to get away with their antics. All it takes is for individual dancers to stop putting up with it, and scene leaders to condemn it. Until that happens, the bad behavior will keep happening – especially at the ‘untouchable’ professional level.
The best thing we can do is encourage each other to speak up, and to hold people accountable for their actions. That doesn’t mean going on a rampage against anyone accused – but there are situations where there’s overwhelming evidence, or people have seen it happen.
Lindy Hop did manage a sexual assault scandal pretty well. Perhaps we should look to them for inspiration.
VICE wrote an article about how The Lindy Hop sexual assault scandal and how the Lindy Hop scene dealth with it. In it near the beginning there is also the original article that called out the perpetrator.
https://sports.vice.com/en_us/article/how-swing-dancing-faced-its-sexual-assault-scandal
You must talk about it.
This is nor a cult, but we bahave like it is sometimes. you must report the behavior to all and sundry.
W
The biblical way is to get a small group of people together and confront the offender, lovingly, with your concerns. This let’s him (or her) know that you are on watch. If it continues, warn a second time and let them know that extreme action will be required if the behavior persists.
Third offence – expose the person and shame them publicly. Create an anonomys Facebook page and or file a police report, remember to do this in love.
The offender has a problem that try need to address, they may not be a monster… Yet, but they might become one if YOU let it go on!
I hope my friends would pull me up if I was doing this, or perceived as doing this. Be a friend to everyone and step in.
I have been in various dance scene long enough to know that is a real problem. It’s true that instructors, performers, advance dancers etc or someone that woman likes to dance with are the ones who tend to be the abusers. They also tend to dance with woman who would be their possible victims. If we woman put a stop in their sexual advancements, they tend to ignore us and not dance with us every again.
I also have met many dancers who won’t date another dancer. I am sure we all know why. Many people do not know how to differentiate dance connection with physical connection. Thus this can be a real problem in the dance community.
One of the best ways to shine light to the darker aspects of the dance community would be to teach dancers early that dancing does not invalidate their right for their boundaries. They can say “no” and they can leave the situation, even during a dance, if they feel the need. I have once seen a person claim that if the guy makes a move on the girl during the dance, it’s because she is asking for it, but apart from that one misguided soul, I have only seen sympathy and support expressed when a lady has been in that situation.
Its also important to not let bad behavior get started.
In one tango community a man who looked OK, but was clearly not able to dance was actually chasing away all the new women because none of the experienced dancers would dance with him. New dancers had such bad experiences with him that they would not come back to the dances. At one point we had to stop him at a private event and tell him he could not attend because he was not invited. But it was damaging that dance community to have him around and he was not able to understand how his bounding movements were not appropriate.
This is something that I really want to push for in my local scene. I’m underaged and a lesbian, and have the misfortune of not visibly presenting either of these things. I’ve been groped and i’ve have my neck kissed and every time i leave my immediate scene (from a smaller town so i go to the nearest big city every weekend or two) I get asked out. I try to talk about this and solve the problem on a case to case basis and when talking about it within the community am usually met with support from my community, but nothing is ever done to stop the problem. I feel weird that often the only thing I can do to make this behavior, well intentioned or not (it’s about 50/50), stop is to mention my age, at which point these men usually stop dancing with me. I get that it’s not ideal for them and it can totally weird them out to have been in that situation but often I’ve developed good dance connections and am really sad that it was entirely based in attraction and that I am deprived of this on the basis of my age. Likewise, I fear what happens when i turn 18 (not incredibly far off) and no longer have this as a point of deflection, seeing as my sexuality is much less effective in getting them to stop pursuing me (another really unfortunate aspect of the community). Our local scene (and the bigger ones nearby) are billed as being safe and inclusive but i feel like i’m dancing on glass whenever i go somewhere with unfamiliar leads and have to alter my appearance and behavior and sacrifice the types of dances I would like to have in order to escape that kind of attention. These are both relatively minor issues but it’s reaching the point where I have to plan around it and would love to see something change.
Camille, from a middle aged straight woman… the only reason you need for wanting to stop someone, is that you don’t feel like doing whatever it is. Nobody needs to ‘excuse’ their rejections by saying I’m underage, I’m gay, whatever. When I have to put down boundaries with a man or reject someone, I’m polite but I don’t need an excuse. I’m really concerned that you are not in a healthy respectful community there and that people are trying to take advantage of you. Unfortunately, speaking from experience, younger women have a target on their back. I understand you might not have a lot of options if you want to keep dancing. But can you find some older people who are also dancers and ‘allies’ who can accompany you and look out for you? Maybe can you do what they did in more ethnic communities, and take a non-dancer ‘chaperone’ haha. I know it sounds funny but an older relative, or a friend of the family, or even a big male friend, who likes music and is happy to sit on the sidelines, will still keep those jerks on their better behaviours and will give you more space to learn how to navigate this stuff as an adult. It’s hard for young women but you need to work on your assertiveness skills, and also some older allies really really wouldn’t hurt…. These men are taking advantage precisely because they know they can get away with it.
Yes I know we shouldn’t ‘have’ to do any of this but I am trying to make some practical suggestions so you can mitigate this while hopefully improving the community’s attitudes.
Hi Camille,
This should not be happening to you, and it is not OK. It is also not ‘normal’. I feel borderline unwell reading about this. We have had underage dancers in our scene as well, and the community (men *and* women) were very aware to help keep an eye on any behavior that would be remotely threatening.
There are some male dancers who feel uncomfortable dancing with underage girls simply because they recognize the imbalance of power – especially in close-hold dances. However, these men are not the ones that hit on young girls at dances, either… so they probably don’t know your age.
These men who are hitting on you should be listening to your ‘no’, underage or not. Lesbian or not. Please walk away from a dance with these men, and tell the organizer if possible. Salsera is right that finding allies to help you navigate this is a good idea.
I’m not going to say that you will never get asked out – but the men who do should take your firm ‘no’ and leave it at that. Anything else is inappropriate – underage or not.
I’m not sure what genre you dance (most underage dancers are in Lindy, Salsa, or WCS), but if you do ever need support (even in emailing an organizer or addressing specific individuals) please let me know. Depending on your location and dance, I also may be able to point you towards organizers or leaders in your area who can support you.
Laura and Salsera,
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. To answer your question I dance blues fusion, micro (which i’ve been told is not really a thing beyond my few local scenes? but is what it sounds like- isolations and close connected movement done within no space- incredibly sensual and where i end up getting in trouble the most), tango and a bit of zouk, although i only do zouk privately as we don’t have a scene for that locally just the one instructor. I also really do appreciate your suggestions, and am in the process of establishing a safety network among the women Im friends with at dance, but that always ends up being more about me changing my behaviors in order to avoid these situations (telling me to not dance so many songs with the same lead, so on and so forth) and i’d really like to deal with the situation head on as opposed to having to give up dances that could be safe and fun just for fear that I might have another “situation” to deal with (mostly how it gets referred to amongst me and my friends, one of which I am currently in the midst of with a man who is in the neighboring scene, totally nice, probably unaware of my age and orientation but asked me out when i was totally defenseless and i’ve yet to deal with it, making me dread this weekend when i’m going to see him at a micro focused event). I’m relatively swift about shutting it down when given the chance but often it’s not the case- the actual ask for the date usually comes after several events (or several dances in the same night if he’s forward), after i’ve been intimidated and nervous and then saddened by the fact that this is my experience. I’m currently trying to find solutions that will end this before it begins (the best suggestion i’ve heard recently is to make a facebook post about the state of consent and boundaries in our communities, wherein i mention my age and sexuality without myself being the focus of it, that way it’s visible and if a guy goes to add me on fb (or if i add him as a precautionary thing) then it’s the first thing they see as well as it hopefully brings the issue to light in the community). I’m usually incredibly safe and supported but I also fear bringing up the issue publicly because one of the main instances of assault that i experienced was by a man well beloved within the community and who has since apologized but is defended every time it’s brought up and i want to forgive him because I know he was going through a rough time and that he does feel genuine remorse (and even offered to leave the dance scene after the fact) but i still shake and start to cry when having to discuss it because it was slightly traumatic when it happened- an adult man trying to kiss me and rubbing his boner on my ass and all that as an underage lesbian was rattling- and i brought it to the organizer and dealt with it as i was supposed to but i still don’t feel like anything has been done to deal with this issue at all. Again i really really do appreciate the support, it’s validating to know that this isn’t isolated because it really often does feel like I bring this upon myself by dancing mostly sensual dances and being too kind to these men and by loving my appearance, do you have any ideas of how to deal with this in a way that doesn’t involve me waiting until i’m asked out? Again, thank you so so much for your support- this is something that sadly becomes more and more of a problem as I become a better dancer and better at soft connection skills and more confident socially, and Id love to be able to move forward feeling safer.
Camille,
It doesn’t matter how ‘sensual’ the dance is. You have the right to have your body respected. It also doesn’t matter if you’re underage or lesbian. The difficulty with being underage is that you are in an inherently more vulnerable position because of your age. So, special consideration needs to be taken so that you can successfully navigate a (mostly) adult world.
When it comes to being ‘asked out’, there’s a difference between someone having an interest in you and respectfully asking for a date, or someone who is trying to coerce you into having a relationship with them. If it’s the former, the best way to handle these men is to give a polite ‘no, thank you.’ This would be the same advice I would give if it were a woman asking you out.
A respectful and honest request is not something to be afraid of. The person who is doing the asking is already aware you may say ‘no’. While it may be difficult, saying ‘no’ to requests for dates is something that you will probably need to do – regardless of whether or not you dance. And, any respectful man who doesn’t know your age will immediately back off if you mention it. Respectful men are not looking to take advantage of you.
If you’re looking to never get to that point, I would recommend looking back at the pattern of behavior that leads up to these ‘asks’. There is usually a difference between a person who simply enjoys multiple songs with you, and a person where the undertone of the dance is intimate or moving towards a proposed date.
If you want to avoid the need to say ‘no’ to a date, you need to make it clear beforehand that the request will not be accepted. You can do this through stating your age or preference for women, or you can do it by pulling away from attempted connections. But, if you let the intimacy build, it is likely at least some men will ask you out. A great way to ‘cut’ the energy after a charged song is to give a decidedly friendly ‘thank you for the dance!’ This should be paired with an immediate physical distance between you and the person.
However, the moment a man changes from respectfully asking for a date to an attempted coercion, pressure, or intimidation to try to get you on a date, the gloves need to come off and you should walk away immediately. Or, enlist a friend to help you. As soon as you notice it – not just when the ‘official’ ask comes. I’m concerned when you mention ‘being asked when you’re defenseless’.
I’m appalled that the community you are part of didn’t address the older dancer who was rubbing himself on you. That is indeed traumatic and should never happen to you.
Re: sensual dances – dancing sensually is not ‘asking for it’. It is never ‘asking for it’ or ‘bringing it on yourself’. But, it does draw out some adults who are using it for bad things. It’s not the majority – but there are a few.
This comes back to the fact that you are an underage girl dealing with a dominantly adult and mature passtime. Because of your age, you need to be better educated on your rights within the scene to keep you safe. This is especially true since most people in the scene who don’t know you will be interacting with you as if you were a legal adult.
Camille, I’m just going to say this right out. You’re playing in an adult sandbox and you don’t have adult coping mechanisms yet, and what you’re writing leads me to believe that this could end up with serious consequences. Why are you even trying to excuse a man who sexually assaulted a minor? A man who assaults a minor and then says it’s because he was ‘going through a rough time’ is a predator who doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, and a community that defends him are irresponsible enablers. None of my adult male friends molest teenagers because they are having troubles. That’s what predators do. Read about predator behavior to understand it better.
Bottom line, if you’re going to keep doing this, you need to surround yourself in a deliberate manner with people who will protect you. Not some ad-hoc thing. Dependable older friends, chaperone, something. Don’t just rely on other people in the dance community who are potentially under conflicts of interest. Your protectors need to be loyal to YOU only. Also, I strongly recommend taking some women’s self-defence classes and that you consider something like martial arts. You use a lot of passive language to describe yourself (ie a man pursuing you when you were ‘defenseless’ etc) and that bodes ill as well. You need a proper support network and to work on managing dealing with adult men if you are going to continue. I think it’s risky from what you’re describing and if you were my underage friend I would absolutely insist that some responsible adults were with you to supervise what was going on and intervene if necessary. Sometimes there are good reasons for keeping kids away from adults. They’re vulnerable because of lack of experience. And so are you.
As an alternative, what about trying to start a teenager / young adult dance night or dance scene?
Camille, I am an organizer in a smaller locale Blues/Fusion scene and I am concerned with a lack of action on the part of your community organizers and the interactions you’re encountering and second everything Lauren and Salsera have mentioned above.
When a group of us got together to open our venue we drafted a set of agreements for participants in the space that include that people have the right to say no without explanation or apology and for people to gain prior verbal consent for dips and close embrace.
Another piece was “experiencing one’s own sensual and sexual energy on the dance floor is beautifully human and totally acceptable within that space. However, that Turn On energy is for YOU and you alone to own and enjoy. Please be respectful of others boundaries, both physical and energetic, just as you would in any other social scene”
Our list of agreements gets read in between the lesson and the dance and is posted in the bathrooms, hallways, front desk, and lounge tables. It’s worked well for us so far and we haven’t run into those kinds of problems much yet. I’d be happy to email that to you if you wanted to share it with your local dance/scene leaders. Consent culture absolutely needs to go hand in hand with dancing, in particular with close embrace dances.
Now something else, as someone who greatly enjoys Micro I’m saddened to hear how it has been misused by some of the leads you have encountered. It’s often a close embrace variation but are you (or any of the teachers in your local scene) aware of ways in which it can be danced in closed?
In my region several years ago we had a major concerted effort by organizers and teachers of Blues and Fusion to clean up the dance scene. It changed to including switch dancing and practice with saying and receiving yes’s and no’s in all the beginner lessons as well as more thorough codes of conduct and more emphasis on posture and technique so that close embrace doesn’t necessarily include pelvis/hip contact. I remember getting taught never to initiate forward body rolls in close embrace and that the kind of small core/upper body movements that make up a lot of micro aren’t lead as much as initiated and sometimes suggested by the lead. So if a lead is doing a body roll he or she’s not supposed to force a followers body into doing that so much as create the opportunity for someone to connect and reciprocate if they want to.
As a follow there are skills you can learn such as holding a strong tone in the arm and holding your frame so that a lead can’t get into close embrace comfortably. You can also make your body rigid and lock up the fluidity if a guy is trying to do micro in a way that is uncomfortable in order to signal your discomfort and noncompliance with the lead. If a lead is respectful at all they’ll shift into a more spacious embrace or ask what’s wrong in response. If they continue to try to force something I encourage you strongly to simply walk away from the dance, middle of the song or not.
Now in close embrace dances occasionally a guy may get turned on. If he’s got good intentions he’s not going to pull you tighter onto his boner but instead shift posture either into offset angling or out into closed or open embrace range in order to be respectful of his follow. Guys who thrust their dick at you while dancing are completely unacceptable and it’s not okay. Consenting to a dance, even a sensual one danced in close embrace, is not consent to having one’s junk rubbed all over. Lesbian or straight it doesn’t matter this isn’t as much about your sexual identity as simply about your dance partners being a decent and respectful human being.
Blues being rather close to Lindy Hop as far as community overlap goes also had to deal with the controversy mentioned above. Steven Mitchell was a crossover who taught Blues on the side of his main dance career teaching Lindy Hop. It probably had a lot to do with the reforms that spread through the Blues and Fusion communities a few years ago.
As before, Lauren and Salsera are absolutely spot on with their advice and it’s worth its weight in gold.
And if you want to continue having discussions like this I’d find the Facebook group Safety Dance: Building Safe and Empowered Social Dance Communities and go from there. It’s likely your scene’s organizers will be members and if not you can link them or anyone else you feel could benefit from it into the group.
I also suspect you may be near my geographical location based on a couple of the things mentioned.
A note on being approachable. I had a rather serious injury several years ago that left me unable to safely dance with the majority of the dancers in my scene. I was very used to saying yes to every dance (having been taught that originally in Swing before the big controversy happened) and when informed of my injury many dancers insisted they would be safe and careful. Most of those dancers ended up hurting me anyways, despite the best of intentions. It’s your body (or in this case it was mine) and nobody else knows it like you do. The same goes for your experience. Nobody else can tell you that they have any right to it.
I eventually learned to say no, explain, and then if I were interested in dancing with someone watch them for multiple songs to look for signs that their movement quality was safe. It was hard to learn to say no and to insistently do so especially with folks I might’ve liked to have danced with otherwise, but I had to learn or else be seriously hurt. In that time I developed something if an aura that was friendly but not approachable. Something about the signals indicates to people not to approach me and ask me to dance and that was a huge relief which let me go back to my watching the dance floor and carefully selecting who I could see would be safe. Some people got mad at me but you know what? Fuck em. They don’t pay my medical bills or take care of my day to day living and they have no right to my body or time that I don’t choose to grant.
It’s the same for you. Think about the kind of experience and interactions you want to have and say no to anything that falls outside that realm if it’s got anything to do with your personal safety and body autonomy.
“and for people to gain prior verbal consent for dips and close embrace.”
For dips – seems perfectly reasonable (security being paramount).
For close embrace – seriously ? There are defensive techniques for the follow that you talk about later in your comment, and they actually work. Even with frequent users of closed position such as myself, and both in dance styles where it is common (such as Kizomba) and ones where it isn’t (such as WCS).
Guillaume,
I believe Blues and Lindy scenes have a different ‘consent code’ than dances like Kizomba, where most consent is negotiated non-verbally. My understanding from the comment you’re responding to is that it comes from someone in a scene where verbal consent for close embrace is expected – and considering the underage girl he is replying to is from a similar scene, his dance’s culture code is likely applicable.
“I believe Blues and Lindy scenes have a different ‘consent code’ than dances like Kizomba”
This was the object of my surprise, namely the fact that verbal ask for consent is expected in cases where non-verbal ask could also work. OTOH, even when asking for a dance I will prefer doing it non-verbally (with extra diligence concerning the other person’s body language)…
I will just conclude by saying that these scenes don’t seem to be for me, while wishing its members a lot of fun within their rules 🙂 (no sarcasm intended). Meanwhile I will keep having fun in the scenes I’m part of.