This past weekend, I was having an enjoyable dance with a guy. The dance was smooth and relatively connected. He moved into a closer hold, and the dance suddenly became distinctly unenjoyable for one reason:
His erect penis was on my leg.
Most people aren’t trying to rub themselves on us. For those with a penis, there’s a dangly bit there, and sometimes it gets in the way. However, it is the responsibility of the penis owner to manage their bits to keep their partner feeling comfortable. And yes, it’s natural in some dances and positions to feel certain parts – but there is a really big difference between incidental contact and unnecessary, half- or fully-erect contact.
In talking to people who do have a penis, they’ve told me they use several strategies to manage their package. These include:
- Always tuck it down the left pant leg.
- Wear underwear that ‘support’ your mission
- If you get an unintentional erection, don’t dance in a very close hold.
(If you have more strategies, leave them in the comments).
I’d have to say that, from a partner’s perspective, the most frequent offender tends to be tucking-down-the-wrong-pant leg.
Do our partners really notice?
Yes. Your partners notice. There’s a couple leads who have a reputation for repeated penis-feeling issues, erect or not. Trust me, you don’t want to be the person who is known for constant penile contact.
But, what if I’m BIG?
It is your duty to manage your anatomy. Again, incidental contact is one thing. Feeling the full magnitude of you is different. I’ve danced with many (self-declared) well-endowed people who are very competent at managing their anatomy. Join them!
What if it becomes erect?
I sympathize with this. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of biology – with no actual sexual motivation. Sometimes, you’re trying to be a gentleperson, but yet it happens anyway.
What some people have told me is that they immediately move into a less-close position until the issue resolves itself. It’s possible to do this even in the closest dances – like Kizomba. Make it a best practice.
I’ve also heard from many dancers that this tends to be a problem when they’re newer to the dance – and that as you get used to the connection, pressure and friction, it becomes easier to control. So, keep at it – perhaps one day you’ll find that it’s happening less and you can dance more close more often.
But what if my partner wants to feel my erection?
The vast majority of your partners do not want to feel your erect penis when they’re dancing with you.
Perhaps you’ve been in a situation with a person you’re planning to immediately have sex with after the dance. But, if you think it is wanted, it is up to you to confirm that before putting your partner in that position. Men in particular are notorious for making something sexual of an innocent dance – and there are many people in our dance scenes for whom this contributes to a stifling of expression and lack of trust. Do not contribute to that.
In every dance scene I have seen, making their partner hard is not what 99% of dancers are aiming for – even when dancing at their absolute sexiest. Do keep in mind that the partners who seem to be ‘into it’ may be making an attempt to have ‘connection’ and ‘style’, with no sexual inclination whatsoever.
But what if my partner is one of the 1% who may want to feel it?
I’d like to suggest the phrase “err on the side of caution.” I’d assume the partner doesn’t want to feel it, unless you know otherwise. If you think your partner is the exception, you should be in a place in your relationship where you can have open communication about those boundaries.
If you mistakenly err on the side of caution, nothing bad will happen. But, if you make the mistake of assuming someone wants to feel your erection when they don’t, you’re probably going to be labeled a ‘creep’, or simply put on the “no-go” partner list.
We know that these incidents may be unintentional, but it doesn’t make them any less awkward. So, please manage your package. You will avoid being ‘that person’, and your partners will be infinitely more comfortable with you.
This does happen from time to time. No one wants to be know as a creep. Since most of my follows are to my right, when the bean stalks growing, I angle my hips to the left. Also compression shorts are a way to go. Keeps things close and relatively hidden. Also if you must absolutely insist on dancing close(it does happen), ladies, accept that this is a possibility. This is a reason I was nervous getting close at all was because I was a bit too sensitive early on.
Gives new meaning to the term “one percenter”.
This is largely a boxer shorts wearing issue. And it is readily resolved by not wearing boxers out dancing. Indeed: no excuse.
“I’m not sure where some guys got this idea that partners are purposefully trying to get them hard.”
Although I personally dont think this, I believe this is not so difficult question. Guys probably see this in another way and I believe every guy would feel great if he made his dance partner aroused and if she liked it so much she let him know. (guys, lets be hones, if you partner started humping your leg and moaning how much she likes it, would you mind? I meand if you mind her doing this. Not if you feel strange that others may judge you) So I guess some guys just dont understand ladies feel this a different way. And unfortunatelly threat the ladies same way they would like the ladies to threat them.
I certainly would. It has happened to me a few times that I felt my partner aroused with people I didn’t feel attracted to, and that wasn’t pleasant at all.
As a male dancer, I am so glad you brought this up, I feel ashamed to talk about this, and I can’t find any online source about this! Such contact does indeed happen in other dances too that involve close body position, even the staid ballroom dances (who would’ve thought BR could be risque as well?), kizomba and Tango! And especially during my classes! My issue is when I’m dancing with partners that are usually the same height as me, or taller, their leg would go up against my groin, it seems I cant avoid this. yes tight underwear, no boxers! I feel that it would be very embarrassing to bring this up! Any other hints would help.
Hey Not a Perv,
There’s absolutely nothing shameful in what you’re talking about. I’m glad that you have the awareness and care to bring it up! Things can certainly get close, especially when you have a taller follow.
I’m hoping some men will chime in here about their strategies, but I’ll offer what I can as both a taller follow and a regular leader.
As a tall follower, I’m usually pretty good at regulating how close to the groin my leg goes. As long as the ‘joystick’ isn’t down the wrong pant leg, it’s generally pretty easy for me to manage that relationship so that I don’t ‘feel’ anything.
In addition, in most dances that have a very close hold, there is a ‘turning out’ of the leader’s position that ‘angles’ that part of the anatomy away from the follower. This means that, rather than directly facing each other, the lead is always on a bit of an angle from the follower.
As a result, the follow typically has contact with the right thigh – rather than the bits right in the middle. While I’m no expert in Tango and Kizomba, my understanding is also that the upper part of the body is the main connection point, in order to create ‘space’ below the belt for both partners.
If it’s something you are struggling with, it may be worth taking a private lesson with a male instructor who you trust (bonus points if they’re around your height). They’re probably in the best place to tell you what *they* do to keep bits from being felt. Alternatively, working with a taller follow instructor can also help you understand if your posture or habits are, in fact, causing unintentional consequences.
As a teacher (and a follow), I can tell you that the vast majority of the teachers out there have dealt with this issue before. You’re most certainly not alone in your fears. And, it’s wonderful when a dancer is aware of these things and asks the questions.
Now this gives me an idea for an article.
Women: Manage Your “Melons”
Have you found yourself in situations where a woman’s breasts are making you uncomfortable?
It is a bit awkward to bring up, but while I doubt many men feel uncomfortable or violated because of breasts, as a dancer whose breasts are definitely on the larger side, I actually do get really freaked out about “managing” them. To clarify, my bra size is a 44H, and the size has led to some very awkward dance situations. I have to go out of my way to make sure I avoid any serious wardrobe malfunctions, but aside from the fact that there is nothing to do that will keep them from bouncing entirely, I feel like they also get in the way a lot. I seem to have more incidents than normal when a lead will accidentally brush their hand against them, and become extremely embarrassed and awkward for the rest of the dance. This is regarding cases when a lead clearly isn’t being a creep and doing it intentionally, it’s just that the size makes them a lot harder to avoid, especially if they’re used to smaller partners. It also tends to make close hold a lot closer than intended. I had one instance in a class when the instructors wanted to incorporate a fun little shimmy into it, and while it was fine for her and the rest of the class, it made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable, which was made worse when the female instructor commented on me not doing it right (I wasn’t doing it right because I was trying to do as little as possible.) Luckily, I am a short follow, but on the rare occasions when I am dancing with a lead who is on the shorter side, my breasts can be a little bit in their face. Overall, I’m normally ok, but there are many instances when I, at least, feel really self conscious and uncomfortable about my breasts while dancing.
I completely can sympathize. I have a few friends who have a similar breast size as you – and it certainly does require some modifications to certain movements (like shimmies). It’s completely unacceptable for you to be made uncomfortable because of topic in class.
And you’re right; there’s very limited things we can do to minimize the impact of a larger chest, aside from controlling what we wear to support them, and dancing in a slightly more open hold. And, more often than not, we’re more conscious of it than our partners! (As a lead, the only thing a big chested partner has ever impacted is my ability to do a close hold.)
However, according to every man I’ve spoken with (including the well-endowed), it has been made clear to me that the size of their ‘member’ does not create the same types of unresolvable issues as breasts.
Why do you ask? Do you mean that you don’t believe it, or what? I have had those situations in kizomba, and I have had to push women farther (and make sure to keep them there!) while dancing to avoid plain awkwardness. Sometimes it’s not even the breasts, but the abundance or lack of a bra.
Interestingly enough, in semba I have also had problems with “mismanaged melons”, even with the typically looser embrace. Lots of times the lead has to look at the follow’s feet, which can be awkward if the follow is sporting some absurdly impractical cleavage. I hate to think that I’m looking like I’m hypnotized by the follow’s breasts – and imagine what happens when there is a photographer in the party, and what happens later when the photos reach FB!
In all, this is a big reason for me to avoid dancing with girls that look “too sexy”, particularly if it feels like they are compensating the lack of other qualities. It’s not like they will be missing the attention, anyway ;P.
(For completeness, I’ll say that I find this kind of problems about 4/5 times per year. So I won’t be surprised if women find “joystick” problems more frequently than that. I just hope that the melon problems find the joystick problems and somehow cancel each other…)
I ask because I am genuinely wondering if this really causes issues. So far, most of the people who have responded with this did so because they thought a woman shouldn’t write an article about avoiding collisions ‘down there’. But, rather than assume that, I prefer to ask 🙂
I’m not so sure about Semba, but staring at the follow’s feet in every other dance I’ve heard of is generally a no-no. The goal is to *not* be looking down, since it compromises posture, frame, and aesthetic. But, maybe Semba is different… I don’t know enough about it to say for sure.
To me, there is a big difference between avoiding large chested/sexy women because you’re worried about giving off the wrong impression in photos or dancing, and being trapped in a hold where you’re forced to be in physical contact with a sexual part of the body. Your first example about being in an awkward close hold is far more similar to what we face with ‘joysticks’.
But, as you’ve noted, a lead can usually create distance. A follow can, but only if they and their partner have the experience. This creates a fundamental difference in what partners are ‘forced’ to endure.
As somebody who dances Zouk, Salsa, Bachata, Tango Argentino, WCS and Kizomba and has large breasts (US 34G, EUR 75I) I have one TIP to avoid some awkward “boob graces” in open positions with one arm free: instead of putting your free arm to the side of your body or in front of your belly button, put your underarm onto and across your chest (f.e. when turning or walking past you partner). You can make this look more graceful when you do a “pretty hand” or lay your hand softly on your collar bone 😉
Exactly the first thing that came to my mind. Why is a woman writing an article about how men should be managing their package. Even worse, sounding like she’s an expert on the issue.
Hm… I do actually specifically say these are strategies that men have told to me about how they manage things. Am I not allowed to express discomfort with feeling erections or penis on my leg when I’m dancing? Does that qualify as me acting like an “expert” on the matter?
Wont blame just leaders to hold their horses. Dancing couples can keep their distance. I agree that leaders should always lead in the way that follows can hold confortable distance (far enough). Hey followers you might also be sexual more excited ehan you are dancing than your leaders are. Your behavior could also be very annoying for the leaders too.
Listening and comnunications are really essential elemens for good partner work.
If you are not listening your parters you will surely ruin your popularity on social dancing.
I completely agree with you. This article is addressing a very specific issue – which isn’t always sexually motivated. 🙂
1. Experience matters
If you don’t dance in close embrace you might have a sexualized perception of pelvic & thigh connection as this level of contact and proximity in partnership is/ was outside your comfort zone. I’ve been dancing since childhood in full body contact and as such the most erotic of dance exhibitions are just that to me. It’s a shared moment of expression and connection. Even when raw and passionate, I realize it’s only a dance and can thank my partner for a hot dance and walk off as if it never happened. It’s important to distinguish between fantasy and reality…we are actors, just of a different sort.
2. Creepers… Sadly they exist. For some the ability to emotionally and physically connect with the opposite sex is a new experience that dance has finally allowed and go wolf with exciting over this newly discovered ability. For most this is simply a growing phase and passes in a year or two after they burn a bridge or two by being overly forward due to the inability to distinguish their and others motivations. Unfortunately we sometimes run across others who use dance as a means of making advances and fishing for romantic prospects perpetually. .. these are predators and they are damaged and toxic to the community. The only way to handle such individuals is by being direct about the offensive behavior and it’s unwanted nature and warn others. If it’s aggressive tell the dance promoters/ hosts & they will deal with it appropriately a it’s hurting their dance event.
Obviously there is more to this as others have touched upon and still other factors that can be discussed at length, but i hope this perspective lends to more dialog.
I don’t like your polarized view of predators. The spectrum of interaction on the dance floor is no different than in real life. That is nothing abnormal or toxic. It would only be weird if you don’t really like the dance, but usually the best dancers are also the biggest players (and women are no different I guess). I actually learnt that many women like a more personalized and intimate dance more than a technical dance.
Steven, I’m not so sure that Forrest presented a polarized view. He certainly never indicated that technical and personal are mutually exclusive. Can you elaborate?
Just a tips for ladies from my perspective if they are looking for a dance and want to avoid feeling joystick:
1) Look for taller partner. I believe it was already said. If the follower is same height or taller, her legs are moving very close to the groin and the movent itself can cause troubles. If the follower is smaller, and basically her belly button is next to my groin, there is no movement and rubbing all around my joystick and it is much safer for both of us.
2) Maybe other follows can share, what can make them arroused and what you as a follow can stop doing if you feel the problem is rising. For me personally it is a head contact. I dont know why but it is just something that just works for me and I had to get my head away otherwise there would be troubles. For other it may be some other type of connection.
As a taller follow (I hit 6ft in heels), I have to say that very rarely is the joystick feeling issue related to height. It’s more a placement issue. When I’m dancing with a shorter guy, I get that unintentional ‘grazing’ may happen as the legs pass through. I accept that as par for the course, and don’t really worry about it – especially with newer leads who don’t yet have the control over their hips to prevent such collisions.
But, tall or short, some leads just have their ‘joystick’ in a location where, regardless of my own height or position, it always seems to be ‘stuck’ between our connection point – kind of like the difference between having a stone in your shoe or walking over pointy rocks in thin-soled shoes.
Unless you’re not talking about ‘feeling’ the joystick in general, but feeling specifically an erection. In which case, I think that Forrest gave a great response. For me, even dancing in a very sensual way is not ‘arousing’ in the sense of getting me ‘turned on’.
Even if a guy isn’t thinking sexually, I get that sometimes biology has a mind of its own. But, as a follow, it’s almost impossible to figure out what will or will not turn a specific guy ‘on’ (or simply get him hard). If the guy feels it going in that direction, he is in a much better position to adjust the dance hold or other parameters to avoid more ‘stimulation’.
Aside from actively trying to pull away from the connection or end the dance, there’s not much a follow can actively ‘do’ if the problem begins to (literally and metaphorically) arise. Most of the time, both these options are perceived as rather rude and/or disruptive.
This is a slightly ridiculous article – if you don’t want to feel a guys penis – don’t grind against him. In many partner dances you don’t need to dance that close. If you dance bachata or kizomba – this will happen sometimes and in most cases, it’s can be more uncomfortable for the guy. Myself and most men I know would not consider having a woman grind her hip or thigh against your penis when dancing to be a stimulating and exciting act – more of an irritating one. Eventually with kizomba you just get used to it as in any case you can feel your partners crotch and breasts in a lot of the dance – you just become numb to it. If the guy is purposefully trying to get stimulation from dancing, I’d suggest he is very very sexually deprived but most men are not trying to actually rub themselves on women. If anything, I’ve experienced a lot more women doing that to me!
This article comes after many, many experiences of men (with and without erections) holding women very close (without the option to move away easily) or with their hips thrust forward.
It also comes after many well-intentioned guys doing movements that require thigh contact, but who failed to place their member properly for avoidance – which is something that all of my male friends and dancers have told me is quite easy to do.
You may not have an issue managing yourself, and you may not derive pleasure from having that ‘stimulation’. But, that doesn’t mean others are exactly the same – or aware of their actions.
Further, Kizomba (as assured to me by many professionals in the dance) is not supposed to involve feeling each other’s crotch. Thigh contact is different from crotch contact. And, every experienced leader I’ve been led by in Kizomba does not seem to have that issue.
Well it is an interesting topic and I wonder how women deal with it. I do Kizomba, which is very close contact. It is for a men quite uncomfortable if it happens, so I wonder if women empathize with it and treat the situation with respect. So gossipping about it is not so nice, because it can damage your reputation for a long time. So do women gossip about it? And what is the response of women when they notice it. Do you keep dancing or change something? There is also not much that a woman can do to stop it. I think only moving further away, avoid going to a very slow dance or maybe deliberately dance clumsy. Walking away is also not so nice, because you might leave the man quite exposed on the floor. Only when there is no other option.
Women talk about it, especially if it’s a recurring issue and the lead gives us no way to avoid it.
As a woman, I can empathize with unwanted arousal. BUT, my empathy stops when a man refuses to mitigate the situation by creating more space, or otherwise holds me hostage against him.
When a man does that, he does indeed get a bad reputation for a long time.
Does this apply to breasts as well?
I’ve danced with many girls and I could feel their breasts on my chest.
I never complained once.
Breasts are fundamentally different than a penis.
First of all, they are a secondary sex characteristic – not a primary. An erect penis is most comparable to a vagina or clitoris, not to the breasts. If a girl was aroused and ended up soaking your pant leg, I’m pretty sure you would mind.
Second, most men are leading women. Leaders have fundamentally more control over the closeness of the hold, which means that they need to be more responsible for creating the necessary distance. And yes, there are some men who don’t enjoy making contact with a woman’s breasts, so they maintain distance. There are also those that complain when women go braless, because of the sensation it causes.
Third, would you be uncomfortable if you were dancing to a man and you could feel his erection on your leg?
Laura, in the future please bind your “melons” before dancing. Their presence is offensive. You don’t want to be known for your “melons” flopping all over the place. We know that these incidents of “melon flopping” are probably unintentional, but they’re really embarrassing. Also, please do consider writing a ridiculous piece shaming women into not dancing while breast feeding. Accidental lactation is REALLY shameful.
If my breasts make someone uncomfortable, I’m more than happy dancing in an open hold, or in a way that doesn’t make them uncomfortable. And, if my breasts *were* “flopping” around in a way that was affecting my partners, I most certainly would do something to ‘contain’ them. Same way I would if I was smelly, or had something else going on.
I simply ask the same of men if they happen to get an erection: don’t make me hostage to your hold, and manage it in a way that doesn’t turn the dance into something uncomfortable. Now, if what you took away from the article is that “having a penis is offensive”, I’m afraid I wasn’t clear enough in my language for you to understand my point.
To make it crystal clear: Erections happen. Biology is a thing, and it’s not shameful. But, manage them so that I don’t feel like a hostage in an uncomfortable sexual situation – which is what happens when a man holds me tight to his boner or penis.
As a ballroom and WCS teacher and Studio Owner, I always have followed one rule and have taught it to my male dancers…..
Always double bag your groceries. Keeps your produce from excessive movement and such and allows you to just dance.
I have a friend of mine who is in the salsa bachata scene who has made comments about this particular subject and The solution is called the “waistband tuck” And apparently this technique works 100% of the time. It also works if you have a belt.
A friend from Mali told me sometimes he has tuck his stuff into tight socks…
This happened to me for the first time recently and I was reminded of this article. Oh boy, I felt bad for the girl I was dancing with. But, I guess it is bound to happen to everyone right !!. So here goes a poem –
From “The boys I mean are not refined” by E.E . Cummings:
“they speak whatever’s on their mind
they do whatever’s in their pants
the boys I mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance.”
Interesting article, and I would like to point out that for many men there is no option to tuck into the left pants leg, or the right for that matter. Some men at “strait shooters” other go left or right, it all depends on the level of their testicles. A pair of testicles that are fairly on level, will “steer” the penis relativelely straight, and a pair where one hangs lower that the other, will steer the penis towards the lowest point of gravity of the testicles. Put simply, if a mans testie hangs low on the left, his penis are most likely to point left. So, trying to tuck it the oposite way, would be quite uncomfortable.
Thanks for pointing that out. Do you have any strategies that would help guys who are built that way?
I tend to wear a good thick pair of shorts as an extra layer under my jeans as a way to keep it down.
Going into an open embrace and/or reducing movements (not moving is good too) while taking time to breath helps too.
Rotating hips left and out (Something like an A-frame or inverted V-frame where my hips continue to go in the direction of my butt) in a way that avoids contact works. Sometimes, I just switch into a close embrace where my backside is facing my follower and groove there. That way my joystick is in open-space with no one near me until it cools down.
Many good strategies listed above and I use many. An additional method that helps me is breathing slower. Erections can be caused by biological, physical or mental stimulation. It doesn’t always mean that a guy is attracted to you or wants sex. I have a sensitive nose and can smell the estrogen of a lady near her reproductive cycle, especially when she sweats. I have to move away from those. Also remember that men could have a response to touch in certain areas. A lady’s finger tips on the back of my neck is electrifying. Just move your hand down to my back or shoulders. I’ve also noticed a sensitivity in the sternum and nipples. Something to think about when your breast is between a guy’s pecs. A lady putting her hand over my heart while dancing is sweet, but moving the hand around or gently squeezing will cause a reaction. The last thing I would add is to not hate the lead that has a single slip. Despite all precautions accidents happen. If a lead has multiple accidents whether with you or multiple follows, those are not accidents. Take the appropriate action. Hope this helps. Dance safe and have fun.
Just think ar 30,000 feet level. There is not even one man who never got hard while dancing in few years! Most of leads have these boner incidents multiple times! Thats a fact! Unfortunately men lose some sense beacuse the blood supposed to go brain is going down in pants 🙂 ..Followers emphathize the situation , and you dont have to Cooperate and suffer the rubs and grinds .. there are number subtle ways to show that you are not comfortable.. by nodding head gently and distancing yourself.. fire 2 to 3 soft warnings quikly.. the blood will flow reverse .. if not say thank you and walk away! But dont feel as victim and suffer the pain! Just smile , avoid this grinding By all means , and feel proud.. some
Guy is wnats you, but he can not have you. I am a lead , i get boner once a while , and I deal with it so hard not to step out of line! There are 2 instances in my life i happened to rub and i am not proud of it . I am getting way better .. but lets handle this with empathy and easily addressable problem with some creative solutions! Cheers and happy clean dancing
A link to this came up in my feed. I think it’s great that you’re talking about this but I’d like to point out one thing that I didn’t see mentioned in the comments (apologies if it’s there):
Telling men (and other people with penises) to simply put their penis in their left trouser leg isn’t practical advice. For one thing, not everybody with a penis is going to be wearing trousers or boxers or whatever. But mainly, people typically have one side that’s comfortable and it’s not the same for everyone. I discovered this when I got a custom suit and the clothier asked what side I dressed on. I’d never encountered that phrase before. Most people dress on the left, which means their penis hangs to the left. However, some dress on the right, and dressing on the other side causes discomfort. ESPECIALLY if one gets an erection. If your penis is rubbing against someone while you dance and they haven’t actually told you that’s what they want, you should just dance differently. If it’s erect, maybe pause the dance and go sit down.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply! Do you have any suggestions for guys who are only comfortable tucking right to avoid this?
First of all, please don’t act like you know how it’s like to be a man with this biological issue on the dance floor. You will never know what it’s like because you are not a man. Your article sounds based more upon your own personal opinions, than the opinions of the general community. To think that no woman would purposefully attempt to see if she could turn a guy on on the dance floor, is like saying that women aren’t the natural seductresses you were born to be. You were biologically created with the ability and instincts to attract men toward you, as women. Learn to take some responsibility as a woman and not just push this burden onto men, as if we are solely responsible for any such occurrence.
Hon, you have some serious issues. I am not a man, and I specifically spoke to men about how they have managed these issues.
There’s nothing wrong with having a biological reaction. However, how one manages that biological reaction is on them.
Women menstruate. Nothing shameful there either. But, I would never want a woman to freebleed when partner dancing in a close hold. That would be unfortunate for her partner, regardless of the fact that it is a biological process, and it is certainly up to us to manage that in a social dance context.
I appreciated this article and basically searched directly for this content. I learned quite a bit about myself as a man. First off I am definitely in the group of men who “dress right” its not really a choice, it naturally hangs there. I didn’t think about how that applied to dance, it hadn’t occurred to me, that likely half of all men face the issue in a different way. Also I am also very disposed to have the biological occurrence of erections while dancing in very close embraces. The other problem, and I feel a little uncomfortable even mentioning it here, but it is an issue I know exists, I am as they say “a grower, not a shower.”
When an erection occurs, I usually create space between myself and the follow, until I can as carefully, subtly, and quickly as I can reach down and re-arrange. Usually during a turn where I can get a hand free. It’s easy enough to push it right if you are wearing boxer briefs. If it’s erect the easy thing to do as mentioned before is the tuck it up and towards the belt. But as soon as it dissipates, which would be ideal for concentrating on dancing rather than managing, it shrinks back down and settles back to the right, only to repeat itself.
Sometimes it is just impossible to manage on the dance floor, so the action to be taken is to open up the dance. If its a dance that is required to be in closed position, and there is unavoidable contact, what I’m realizing from this article and comments, is (if you have the confidence and can avoid being awkward) simply state your case, apologize and recognize the issue, and make it a matter of consent if contact/dancing continues or to end the dance.
I as a man and a dance instructor have experienced the full plop of the package on my thigh when a male student taking a private lesson in Bachata clearly wore boxers and did not plan ahead. It was much better the following week, though still perceivable. I would say if it is a full plop, it’s a major problem. Slight connection or feeling it is present (NOT HARD) I would say is very different in my opinion. I do take some offence to your opinion, Laura Riva, when you say the penis is “a secondary sex characteristic – not a primary” and go on to compare and say that breasts are a completely different story. I think they are very similar in that way. If you want to blame a man for having a penis that is not inside him that’s a problem. To be clear there have been a lot of commenters saying disgusting things including the commenter that you were replying to when you made those comparisons, I do not condone their language and I hope they will be more conscientious dancers in the future even if they are hurtful in this context.
My other experience was with a gay man I know that I’m friends with and know that he is attracted to me. At time it has been present, not hard, other times it has been hard. I was leading him and had the control over the dance, but it really wasn’t a problem, but I wasn’t in the 1% I liked it nor the 99% who don’t like it. The issue is much more gray than that. Just pointing it out. My point being the issue is very complicated. I wholeheartedly see the problem with aggressive men in dance communities and our culture as a whole in North America and change needs to happen. Thank you for posting and opening the conversation.
To close, I’m pretty sure no one can identify the 1% of partners that like it, or the slightly larger percentage that are okay/tolerate/understand, UNLESS you get consent. Without consent men and women run the risk of doing great damage to their partner and their own reputations, the other side of that risk is that it’s no big deal, or you meet and find the love of your life, but lets be real. Those things can be set aside in favor of keep a dance community safe and healthy.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. To clarify, breasts were the secondary sexual characteristic; not a penis. Penises are primary sexual characteristics.
I still do think that they are quite different, and that penis contact is more equivalent to clitoris contact than breast contact. You are welcome to disagree (obviously); but the base for me is that breasts are not primarily sexual in nature, whereas genitals are.
I am a man, I am also no longer a young man. Dancing today appears to be frantic and frenetic. When I was younger I would get aroused by dancing with a woman. I still do when they play a slow dance.
In my 20s I would bend my groin back so I didn’t get my aroused equipment up close. This was especially true in college. In college women found an erect man to be rude. Somehow low necklines weren’t supposed to effect a man’s sexual interest. Cheek-to-cheek wasn’t supposed to indicate a women’s sexual interest. I was a truly unsophisticated child.
Then one Summer I made a discovery, a light bulb discovery. I was invited to spend a weekend with a friend at his country home in Massachusetts. On Saturday night we had dinner at his folk’s country club. His mother asked us to dance with the widow’s table, a collection of widows and divorcees. We were complete gentlemen and danced with all of them. I was stunningly surprised to find that some of those women pressed themselves into me. I tried my college life bending back and holding my arm between us. Those ladies, older then me, more sophisticated then me, more mature then me had other ideas. One of them shattered my lack of experience by asking if I didn’t like her. Well, she said upon my reply, if you find me attractive, stop holding back. “I’d like to know that you find me attractive as a woman.” From that day forward when I dance with a lady I subtly let her know I find her attractive and appreciate the fact that she is dancing with me.
Most women want to be found attractive. They want to know that men can be aroused by her. On the dance floor there is no “me-too” movement, just dancing. A women who finds you a bit sexually aggressive when dancing can simply walk away. The closer she hugs you the more she appreciates you. Hell, how many women today are really getting the appreciation they deserve.
Men, simply stated, you must judge the situation yourself. Dancing with a complete stranger can be fun and embarrassing, but maybe she would like more then intriguing conversation. But, watch out, dancing with your best friend’s wife definitely requires a bit of back bending and elbow placement.
You say, and repeat the converse, that “99% of your dance partners do not want to feel your penis” What statistical method did you use to validate this statement?
It seems to me, a man, that a large proportion of women intentionally wear revealing clothing and behave suggestively. For the fun of it or perhaps seriously. I also don0t have the statistics, just a belief.
To then blame the guy and call him a creep is naïve, hypocritical, and shows an uptight culture. Fortunately most women are aware of what they are doing, even if not honest about it. And a mature man can take avoiding action or excuse himself or not, in an adult way including verbal communication.
You’re right, the statement is hyperbole. However, your partner wearing revealing clothing at a dance event does not mean she (or he) wants to feel The D. Neither does dancing sensually. It does not excuse a man thrusting his hips into his partner and holding her hips down over his penis.
If both people are known to be consenting, have at it. But, it’s not blaming the guy and calling him a creep. In fact, this article comes from a place of assuming it’s not intentional boundary crossing. It’s saying, this is not something that the vast majority of dance partners want to experience from you. And you’re absolutely right – a mature man should be able to avoid that contact and excuse himself, as well as use verbal communication. The men who do that don’t need this article.
But, for those men who are either under the deluded belief that every woman in a short skirt or that has a nice hip roll wants his dick OR those who are unaware that the contact can be very uncomfortable for their partners, this article hopefully will provide some guidance.
This article is overly presumptive and against nature, to say the least. Before I go on, I want to say I agree with you on one thing, and one thing only, which is if the woman does not like feeling a penis on her leg, then the guy should absolutely back off.
Here are my issues with your article:
1. You are not a man. It does not matter how many men you have talked to. The penis does not grow the same way for every man. Some naturally hang unaroused, some are very little when unaroused and grow very large when aroused, etc. How do you tuck something beforehand that does not hang when unaroused?
2. How do you know 99% of women will feel uncomfortable about this? I have only encountered one who backed away from me in all my 8 years of dancing Kizomba and Bachata. But I have encountered way more women who purposely rub up against me and I have to back my groin away from them. You do not speak for all women as their intentions may not be the same as yours.
3. After all, she is feeling a penis, which is part of NATURE, the same reason I don’t feel disgusted with her breasts against my chest. You may argue that erection can lead to ejaculation. But do you know how likely or unlikely for that to happen. You don’t because you are not a man.
In conclusion, needless to say, people come in/with all shapes, sizes, intentions, values, beliefs, etc. After all, we are talking about something natural, not some artificial ideology to be debated or altered. Nature is neither right or wrong, it just is. Go with nature, one wins. Otherwise one loses.
Here is the letter I sent to the several underwear manufacturers who produce a bounded internal pouch, which seems should be the most inconspicuous:
I’ve been looking for years for a solution to a simple problem with mens underwear. I have never found underwear that is suitable for my ballroom dancing, and never even seen the issue addressed.
I need a wide enough pouch to position to the side and slightly down, without falling out. That is the best solution for dancing: inconspicuous, out of the way, and not normally felt by your partner. Most pouch area is too narrow.If your junk is tightly pouched and straight down its uncomfortable and will be obvious to your partner as your legs pass in contact when dancing. If its tightly pouched and positioned up it bulges. If its to the side in normal underwear, whether briefs or boxers, it eventually slips out of the pouch area and falls down your leg and so youre essentially dancing commando. And if the music switches to faster Latin dances, you may need even more support.
Do you have a suitable product you would recommend?
So far, no good answer….stay tuned