This past weekend, I was having an enjoyable dance with a guy. The dance was smooth and relatively connected. He moved into a closer hold, and the dance suddenly became distinctly unenjoyable for one reason:
His erect penis was on my leg.
Most people aren’t trying to rub themselves on us. For those with a penis, there’s a dangly bit there, and sometimes it gets in the way. However, it is the responsibility of the penis owner to manage their bits to keep their partner feeling comfortable. And yes, it’s natural in some dances and positions to feel certain parts – but there is a really big difference between incidental contact and unnecessary, half- or fully-erect contact.
In talking to people who do have a penis, they’ve told me they use several strategies to manage their package. These include:
- Always tuck it down the left pant leg.
- Wear underwear that ‘support’ your mission
- If you get an unintentional erection, don’t dance in a very close hold.
(If you have more strategies, leave them in the comments).
I’d have to say that, from a partner’s perspective, the most frequent offender tends to be tucking-down-the-wrong-pant leg.
Do our partners really notice?
Yes. Your partners notice. There’s a couple leads who have a reputation for repeated penis-feeling issues, erect or not. Trust me, you don’t want to be the person who is known for constant penile contact.
But, what if I’m BIG?
It is your duty to manage your anatomy. Again, incidental contact is one thing. Feeling the full magnitude of you is different. I’ve danced with many (self-declared) well-endowed people who are very competent at managing their anatomy. Join them!
What if it becomes erect?
I sympathize with this. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of biology – with no actual sexual motivation. Sometimes, you’re trying to be a gentleperson, but yet it happens anyway.
What some people have told me is that they immediately move into a less-close position until the issue resolves itself. It’s possible to do this even in the closest dances – like Kizomba. Make it a best practice.
I’ve also heard from many dancers that this tends to be a problem when they’re newer to the dance – and that as you get used to the connection, pressure and friction, it becomes easier to control. So, keep at it – perhaps one day you’ll find that it’s happening less and you can dance more close more often.
But what if my partner wants to feel my erection?
The vast majority of your partners do not want to feel your erect penis when they’re dancing with you.
Perhaps you’ve been in a situation with a person you’re planning to immediately have sex with after the dance. But, if you think it is wanted, it is up to you to confirm that before putting your partner in that position. Men in particular are notorious for making something sexual of an innocent dance – and there are many people in our dance scenes for whom this contributes to a stifling of expression and lack of trust. Do not contribute to that.
In every dance scene I have seen, making their partner hard is not what 99% of dancers are aiming for – even when dancing at their absolute sexiest. Do keep in mind that the partners who seem to be ‘into it’ may be making an attempt to have ‘connection’ and ‘style’, with no sexual inclination whatsoever.
But what if my partner is one of the 1% who may want to feel it?
I’d like to suggest the phrase “err on the side of caution.” I’d assume the partner doesn’t want to feel it, unless you know otherwise. If you think your partner is the exception, you should be in a place in your relationship where you can have open communication about those boundaries.
If you mistakenly err on the side of caution, nothing bad will happen. But, if you make the mistake of assuming someone wants to feel your erection when they don’t, you’re probably going to be labeled a ‘creep’, or simply put on the “no-go” partner list.
We know that these incidents may be unintentional, but it doesn’t make them any less awkward. So, please manage your package. You will avoid being ‘that person’, and your partners will be infinitely more comfortable with you.