I wrote an article a few days ago on being a generous dancer, and there was a question that came out of that post from several people: does being a generous dancer mean I have to dance with everyone?
No, it doesn’t.
Being a generous dancer is about giving it your all, and treating people with respect. It does not mean accepting every dance, putting yourself in harm’s way, tolerating bad behavior, or dancing with every single person. In many larger scenes, it’s not even possible to dance with every person in the room!
If we hold ourselves to the expectation that we MUST dance with everyone and MUST accept every dance, we are setting ourselves up to sabotage our own attempt at generosity – and our happiness as a dancer. Dancing with people is a choice – and it’s best to make that choice with joy and eagerness than begrudging obligation.
Accepting Every Dance
Some dancers have a personal code that they will accept every dance offered to them. If that’s you, that’s great! Way to be an accepting dancer! But, ‘always accepting’ is not the only way to be a gracious partner – and it’s by no means required to view yourself as a generous and gracious partner.
Rather than accepting every dance, your goal should be to enrich every dance that you do accept. If you need a break, water, or just aren’t feeling the song or partner – that’s cool. If you want to dance with them later, that’s cool too – go grab them. But, don’t be the guy or girl who accepts a dance out of duty and makes their partner feel like the whole song is a burden.
Keeping Yourself Safe
Being generous and gracious also does not mean putting yourself in harm’s way during a dance. It does not mean injuring yourself by trying to follow something dangerous, or throwing out your back catching a rogue self-dipping follow. You can be gracious and generous without putting yourself in the line of fire.
Think of it this way: beginners can be very generous and gracious, but they usually make mistakes at least once in a while. Yet, we don’t find them any less generous for not following a certain move or doing something wrong. Why is it somehow unacceptable for you to choose not to follow or lead a certain move? It’s not; it’s called respecting your own boundaries.
Tolerating Bad Behavior
Like everything else, there is a line between being gracious and tolerating bad behavior. You do not need to tolerate insults, on-floor teaching, groping, harassment, or a repetitively dangerous lead at any time. You always have the freedom to walk away. If it’s a matter of a rough lead or follow, ask them nicely not to do the behavior that you are finding uncomfortable. If they don’t change, walk away.
At that point, it’s about being generous and respectful of yourself – not your partner.
Dancing with Everyone
It’s a great, noble idea to dance with every person – but very often it’s not possible, or desirable. That’s also fine. You can only dance with a select group of people and still be generous – as long as you are being kind and respectful to everyone you meet. If you have an injury or don’t enjoy certain partners, that’s fine – and natural. If you prefer to dance one song to be nice, do it – but it’s not an obligation. You can decline a dance and still be kind and generous.
Beginners can be Fun, Too!
Now, there are a subset of people who dislike dancing with beginners. Fine, that’s OK. You’re allowed to dance with whoever you want. Some people say that beginners are more likely to aggravate their injuries. Although I’ve personally found early-intermediate the most dangerous, you know your body best and I respect that. I totally advocate dancing with people who will not injure you.
However, if your decision not to dance with beginners is because they are ‘boring’ or ‘uninteresting’, please note that at one time, you were one too. At one time, there were advanced dancers who could make your night by being kind and having fun with you. Having fun with a dance doesn’t have to do with your patterns or expertise – it has to do with enjoying the other person’s company. Besides, that beginner might turn into your favorite advanced partner in a few months or years. I’d suggest looking at fostering beginners as your contribution to giving back to your scene – and learn how to have fun dancing with them. It’s possible – trust me. I love beginners. They’re so open and free of all the ego of advanced dancers, and they’re SO eager to make their partner happy.
Some people also say that if they danced with all the beginners, they’d spend their whole night dancing with people that weren’t their favorites because they’re in a large scene and they want to dance with their friends. Well, if you’re spending your whole night in dances that don’t make you happy, you’re not being generous with yourself. You can dance the night away with whoever you want – I just don’t necessarily think the entire night should be spent avoiding beginners.
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You need to have your fun in a night out dancing – however that is done. Maybe for you it’s fostering beginners for the first 30 minutes. Maybe it’s accepting every time someone asks you. Maybe it’s being kind to your friends and talking a lot on the sidelines. It could be dancing with one partner for 30 minutes before switching to the next one. Maybe it’s spending the time making every beginner feel welcome. Or, perhaps it’s simply you seeking out the dances you can be wild, crazy passionate about.
It’s all fine. Really, all of it. But whatever it is, treat all fellow dancers with respect – whether you dance with them or not. They are all people. You don’t have to dance with them all, but you should treat them all like people.
Some dance scenes are easier to be generous in than others. Swing seems to be friendly to one and all, but I find tango quite the opposite. If you dance under your level, you become ‘marked for the night and it can be harder to get better partners to improve yourself. Any feedback on this?
I’ve heard similar things from other people about Tango scenes. I’ve only gone out a few times, and the few that I have were in a scene that did accept me quite readily – even as a beginner.
I would say it is up to you to set the precedent for how you want to conduct yourself in a scene. You can still opt to be generous, and over time people will probably see you as a gracious lead or follow who dances with a variety of partners. If people see you regularly and you insert yourself as a generous temperament, you’ll find that over time you end up with a good reputation. Those people you were nice to in the beginning may end up becoming strong dancers who remember how kind you were to them in the very beginning!
Tango culture can be very twisted, in some venues and clubs, more – in others, less. I have done personal work, including nurturing deep friendships so that I can truly know that I will have fun on any night. In the past year or so, I have gotten good enough that I dance as much as I want to, but this is also because I don’t treat it like trying to be a great tennis player by only dancing with people who are better dancers. I genuinely enjoy my dances with leaders who are not skilled, if they smile and show affection for me. I duck and run (sometimes, for real) from leaders who injure me or grope. There aren’t that many but I feel it is my right to avoid the request.
I was told by 20 year followers at the instructor level that what you say is true, that it is important to make a splash with a skilled leader early in the milonga when in a new location, or be “marked” as you say. I also had seasons where I was losing in the politics, and it was appropriate and healing for me to stay away for a month and get my positive energy back. Peculiar things can play with you, like the leader who always danced with you, then suddenly stops for a few months and the “only men ask” rule that prevents you from understanding and goodness knows you don’t want to ask and be forever marked as a beggar. I have written extensively on the bizarre politics of Tango, but would say that a sense of humor and doing whatever psychological/spiritual work you need to off the floor can inoculate you from the mind games that truly exist. Then of course, find friends and try to be happy. Sure, in some places, women can ask, but there is a subtle punishment in borderline situations. Men I’ve spoken with who have very good gender politics in real life still get used to, and enjoy controlling this.
Sometimes it seems like it will always be a struggle, then something breaks open, and you hardly get a chance to sit down. Weird Tango, Bad Tango, Good Tango, Great Tango.
Very nice again, Laura.
You say it in such a gracious way.
Seen this so many times.
Young polite handsome decent male dancer regardless of dance scene accepts a dance from lady well below his “dance hierarchy”. One might describe lady as poor dancer, ugly, overweight, senior citizen etc or even combination of all of these.
Once this kindness has been noticed all persons in dance scene this poor guy is being targeted all women who are older than 70 years or have bmi well above 30.
Same with ladies.
Young polite beautiful decent female dancer regardless of dance scene accepts a dance from man well below his “dance hierarchy”.
Man could be descibed as poor dancer, ugly, overweight, senior citizen etc or even combination of all of these.
Once this kindness has been noticed all persons in dance scene this poor young lady is being targeted all men who are older than 70 years or have bmi well above 40.
Johniboy,
I think you have misinterpreted the purpose of my article. The purpose of the article is that you are not obligated to dance with every person – but I strongly advise against discriminating against older, ‘ugly’, beginner, or overweight dancers.
When I go to tango, I spend well over 50% of my night dancing with ‘senior citizens’, and it’s absolutely lovely. I am very fortunate that these men take the time to ask and dance with me, and make my night fun. There is no ‘dance heirarchy’ in terms of looks, weight, or age – only skill, and being a better dancer doesn’t make you better in any respect aside from dancing.
Kind people are noticed because they are kind. It doesn’t now make them a target for some nefarious purpose – unless being asked to dance frequently is so terrible. Kind people in the scene are popular with everyone – the young, the old, the skinny, the good looking ones, the average ones, the overweight, the great dancers, and the poor dancers. It is because they are kind.
And kind people don’t feel like they have somehow been unfairly targeted because they once accepted a dance from someone below their rank.
Tango is an interesting social dance scene. Tango in it´s all forms have been around long time. One can actually found that masters are these grey gentlemen between 60-80 years old. These men have been training tango propably long before their female dance partners were even born. One can actually see a line of females between age 20-30 years of age to wait to get their tango dosage from great master. In tango movements are not that large, certain reading skills are needed frpm leader because of close contact. These older gentlemen can actually read their female counterparts quite well. Some of these men have danced with thousands of women and can sense when green light is given to horizontal tango. Certain stiffness is required from tango leader. This can be found from older men quite easily. Though some form of stiffness at men of this age are required use of colorful pills (usually blue or orange). There have been published some articles in social dance scene that pre-use of these colorful pills would actually encourage females to ask men to dance. In these articles aspecially followers above 30 years of age seem to get excited with these leaders using these doping pills. I found a writing in internet that a male age of 40 went to social dance scene. It was ladies night. Usually he would be asked to dance during a night between 5-10 times. This time he had taken some illegal doping before dance night. He said that because his overly stiff figure he was asked to dance well over 20 times during that night. He had even problems going to toilet because these women were all over him.
Can they actually smell it ?
I wonder whether in dance scenes like salsa, swing dance or zouk this would be possible. Significant amount movements and elasticity is still required in these particular dance forms.
Propably in tango, kizomba, foxtrot or folk dance scenes this type doping would be quite succesful.
You clearly have a very, very different social dance experience and motivation than most.
Does this guy really see himself as a “young polite handsome decent male dancer”? Really? He is not only either out of touch with reality or under the influence of something he can’t handle, but also clearly illiterate as well as not a very nice person.
What motivates people come to social dance place.
Older couple come to just dance with each other. Listen some music. If lucky live music is also available.
Some cougars are coming to chase late teen men. Naturally they say that are coming because of dance. Not mentioning the real target of the dance night.
Some 40-60 year old skillful men come chase women between 20-30 years old. Hoping to make impression on their dance skills.
Some people come to just dance. Socializing and meeting people without any sexual intensions.
Some skillful young male dancers come to hunt. They are having a reputation of alfa male in this dance scene. Though they could have had already sex with a dozens women in this particular dance place and they still get lucky. Their reputation just keeps them lucky.
Some men and women come to look for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Nothing else.
Some people come to social dance scene like attending a an aerobic exercise.
Actually a person can have a motivation A in one week. Then after a month person has a totally different motivation B to come to the same social dance scene.
Then all these different people with different age different habitus different dance skills different motivation come to the same social dance scene. Sometimes people find what they are looking for. Sometimes not. Sometimes there are clearly clashes when people with different motivations meet each other at the dance floor.
These people should be tolerated on whatever motives are when coming to a dance place.
There is a difference between ‘hunting’ desirable sexual partners, and being open to chemistry happening with someone when you go social dancing. ‘Hunters’ are not generally a welcome fixture in SOCIAL dance scenes aside from late night clubs.
Meeting people, etc. is not the same as ‘hunting’ for something sexual. Those intentions come across in the dance, and have a tendency to make others extremely uncomfortable. There’s nothing appropriate about that at all.
Social couple dancing has been described as a straightforward rising line. This line begins a handfeel or even a look from man to woman. Womans look tells to a man: “yes you can ask me to dance”. Most social couple dances originate from Africa, Latin-America, Caribean or Afroamerican community. Naturally Europeans have put their own spices on top of those.
First in this line become foreplay dances. In these dances contact is not that intimate. These foreplay dances are closer to childrens plays than a social couple dance. Such dances are salsa, swing dances, wcs, samba, jive, most folk dances etc. Partners look in each others faces, perhaps smile to each other. During dancing contact variates from close to far. In this phase of dance it is easy to partners take a step back.
If partners decide to take this flirt to more serious phase then become dances with more passion. Such dances could be like cha cha, tango, foxtrot etc. At this phase both partners show slighty more deeper interest. If partners find comfort with each other they may step to deeper level in their dancing.
Final phase in social dance scene are these mating dances which tend to have intimate nature. These dances can easily lead to copulation if partners so wish. Such dances are rumba, kizomba, slow foxtrot, blues etc. When you see people like Isabella&Felicien, Jukka Välimäki etc. dance in real life this strong sexuality is very present all the time during dancing. In reality these social couple dances are hunting ground for most of the males nothing else.
I guarantee you, having danced and talked with both Jukka and his wife, neither of them are dancing for sexual purposes – or in a sexual way. Zouk is simply a sensual dance.
During my beginner months, two groups of leaders I remember the most:
1) The few advanced leads who took the time to dance with a struggling beginner. They always invited me for a dance every time they saw me even though I couldn’t follow well. They danced to my level, accommodated my mistakes, and exercised so much patience. I remember how they progressively added more complexity as I became a better dancer over the weeks. Never gave me verbal directions, but allowed me to pick up the lead cues.
2) The few advanced leads who asked me to dance for the sake of dancing, They swung me through advanced moves, pinballing me up and down the slot, rough arm grabbing, pushing my head under the arm… These moves were usually accompany by eye rolls, and impatient huffs, and lessons on how to dance, in the middle of the dance.
I actually don’t remember those in Group 2 because I tend to not dwell on traumatic memories. But I sure remember everyone in Group 1 and they are good reasons why I did not quit dancing.
As a beginning made I made most of those mistakes. Still do on occasion. As I gain more experience on the dance floor I make it a point to dance with everyone of everyone not just the advanced dancers for more on my level these days
Dancing with everyone is a great way to foster community!
As someone else mentioned, do not discount the older dancers. In my opinion, one of the best dancers in my local swing scene is 75. She has been a great follow for the 24 years that I have been doing West Coast, and I thoroughly enjoy every dance with her. It is not just about the dance moves, she ALWAYS looks genuinely HAPPY to be on the floor, no matter who she is dancing with. The joy of the dance, the intimate movement conversation with each new partner, THAT should be everyones goal.
I think alot of male dancer are looking for a relationship and i was tol iwas a good dancer and i find my age is the problem Just Want To Dance .