A while ago, I wrote an article about the many reasons that professionals don’t always social dance. However, beyond that, there seems to be a fundamental disconnect both in how advanced dancers treat newer dancers, and the way that new dancers treat their dance idols. In many places, this has led to a strange dynamic where advanced dancers almost shun newer ones, while new ones create dance queues and demonize advanced dancers who are not super generous in their dances.
As a social dancer in some styles and a professional in others, I’ve been on both sides of the divide. I have been in situations where I’m getting dance-stalked without reprieve. However, I’ve also witnessed the clique of high-level dancers who chat together for hours, casting frosty glances at those who dare approach. It’s not a nice feeling – on either end.
The use of “Average”
In this article, I will refer to typical social dancers as “average”. This is used to refer to anyone without some form of celebrity status or renown in a dance community, rather than a reflection of a specific skill level. “High-level” is used to include anyone with a sense of positive dance notoriety, whether professional or just a sought-after partner.
The Creation of the Dance Monkey
Some average dancers have developed a habit of treating high-level dancers as a dance monkey. They want high-level dancers who are always engaged, always kind, always say yes (to them), always have energy, and always want to dance with everyone. If there’s a line-up, they better not take a break for a glass of water. After all, the next person in the line has been waiting 20 minutes for a dance with them. They can get through that next song; it won’t kill them.
Imagine if you were in a room full of very new dancers. Everyone demands at least one dance with you. They’ll ask you when you’re talking to someone, when you’re getting water, or when you sit out a song you don’t like. If you say no, they get upset. They question you why. They start talking about how you’re an asshole.
The room has turned you into their dance monkey. This is how a lot of higher-level dancers (and particularly pros) end up feeling in an event or congress environment.
The Birth of the Cliquey Dancer
Imagine how you would feel as one of these dance monkeys. How you would react. Maybe you’re someone who does (or did) enjoy dancing with beginners. But now, given all of the obligation, it’s suddenly not fun anymore. So, maybe you begin to avoid making interpersonal connections with new dancers or people you don’t recognize. You retreat to your clique, where you feel like you can have some agency over when and with whom you dance.
It’s not that you’re trying to be mean. It’s just that you’re really having fun talking to your friends, and you’re worried that if you’re nice to that random person that just came up, they’ll pull you away into a dance you really don’t want right now.
The Cyclical Nature of Cliquey Dance Monkeys
The problem with the creation of dance monkeys and, subsequently, cliquey dancers is that it is cyclical. Unfair expectations create a dancer who feels like they are being exploited by their community. Then, they become cliquey in an attempt to shield themselves from those expectations.
As a result, the average dancers develop a worse opinion of the cliquey dancers, become more forceful in their attempts to draw the person out, and therefore cause the person to retreat more into their clique. Maybe that person even stops social dancing 90% of the time, and then gets called out for not being social enough.
Further, the expectations from average dancers then often also get projected onto the “new” high-level dancers, thus turning them into the next generation of dance monkeys.
What has to change?
I think that there are two lacking components at the center of the cycle: empathy and communication. I think that if we develop these two components, we can dismantle this cycle, dissolve the cliques, and stop people from feeling like a dance monkey.
At our core, we all want to be seen and respected. Often, the “dance monkeys” feel seen, but their personal boundaries are trampled. Meanwhile, the “average” dancers feel invisible, and are seeking to be seen by the people they admire. If we start meeting the needs of the other side, we can start to reduce this cycle.
Empathy
Empathy is something that both the high-level and average dancers in our scenes need to work on.
For average dancers, it’s recognizing that people can’t be “on” all the time, and listening to the voice in our heads that tells us that someone probably isn’t looking to dance at that moment. For example, if you see a high-level having a drink with friends by the side of the floor, maybe that’s not the best time to interject and ask for a dance. And, it’s recognizing the obligation we place on people when we ask them while they’re clearly not in the shape to dance.
For the high-level dancers, it’s recognizing that we do function as a sort of celebrity for many other dancers. Even if we don’t dance with someone, we can really improve someone’s feeling of belonging and acceptance simply by having a 5-minute conversation or saying hello. It’s recognizing that purposefully avoiding eye contact and a ‘hello’ can be more damaging to a person than simply declining a dance.
Communication
On the communication side, we all need to get better at communicating kindly and in accordance with what we honestly feel. This is particularly true for advanced dancers.
As noted above, ignoring average dancers is often more damaging than simply declining a dance. This is particularly true since the people likely to be damaged by this behaviour are the ones that are trying to respect your boundaries. They’re the ones who try to make eye contact, and pass by when they see you won’t acknowledge them. They’re generally not the ones forcefully intruding on your circle to drag you to the dance floor, or the ones who are angry at you for declining a dance.
What we can do to change the dynamic is to recognize the people who are not intruding on our boundaries. We can also learn how to say “no” in a kind way, so that acknowledgement does not become synonymous with being willing to dance.
For High-Level Dancers: Taking ownership of “No”
At the end of the day, the most effective way to change the dynamic from the advanced dancer’s end is to change the paradigm from acknowledgement = “yes”, to “yes” = an honest desire to dance. And the most practical way to create this is to get used to saying “no.”
Right now, with average dancers, there is a scarcity associated with the opportunity to dance with high-level dancers. The dominant ideology is “I must ask when I see they have any free time, otherwise I will never dance with this person.” This encourages people to ignore social cues that indicate someone is taking a break or isn’t up for dancing.
In short: all the signs that normally mean “I don’t want to dance” become the opportunities to get a dance.
When high-level dancers say “yes” in these situations, it encourages this behaviour to repeat. After all, the aggressive dancers get the opportunity. The respectful ones sit quietly and never get to dance with them. Meanwhile, the high-level dancers start feeling stressed and objectified. Instead of getting to enjoy seeking out new partners, the only people they get to choose for themselves are their friends.
Now, if we made a habit of specifically choosing our dances (rather than responding to the “Yes” obligation), we could change that paradigm. We could take back our enjoyment of dancing with new, unknown dancers by having some of those dances on our terms. For example, the next time you get pounced on just as your last dance is finishing, make it a point to say “no”, and explain that you were hoping to ask a person you saw sitting alone on the sidelines.
This sets up a new paradigm: you want to sometimes choose who you’re dancing with, regardless of the partner’s level, and you are also paying attention to the social cues around you that indicate who would like to dance. Further, you create the expectation of an inclusive paradigm that invites people off of the sidelines and onto the floor.
You can do the same thing by clearly modeling behaviour when you do or don’t want to dance. For example, if you need water, go get some. If you’re chatting with a friend and get asked, say that you are actually in the middle of a conversation you’d like to finish. Take the opportunity as a celebrity of some sort to teach the community the etiquette you’d like them to model.
Including people – without a dance
There’s one additional step that high-level dancers can take to encourage a healthier social community: separate the act of sharing a dance from the act of acknowledging a person. For many social dancers, being acknowledged by someone they look up to is almost more important than having a dance with them.
For example, there are events I go to with many artists I look up to. I may not dance with them all in that weekend – but I sure remember when I have a moment to chat with them and get to know them as people. That doesn’t mean having a giant, in-depth conversation (especially for you introverts out there). It can be as simple as smiling and waving at someone who makes eye contact, or saying hello to someone who is standing alone near you.
Even if you acknowledge and share a conversation with someone, I think you can still kindly say “no” to a dance. This can help to educate our communities that including someone as part of our world does not necessarily mean we ‘owe’ them a dance. This makes us free to be kinder and more inclusive without giving up our own boundaries.
For Average Dancers: Developing empathy and getting dances in our current climate
One of the most difficult things right now is that in our current social climate, the most aggressive social dancers and the people who stalk the pros are rewarded. Those who are very conscious of body language and reasonableness are usually the ones who “miss out” on the dances with high-level dancers.
First, if you are someone who finds yourself missing out because you want to give people space for their own dances, thank you for being so aware that everyone does have limits. If you are one of those people, there are some things that you can do to still maintain your empathy and respectfulness, but make it clear you want to dance. The simplest way to do this is to ask when you see an opportunity and the high-level dancer isn’t otherwise occupied. For example, you can also stay near entrances to the floor, so that you can see the opportunities when a high-level dancer is approaching the floor and is therefore likely open to a dance (as opposed to trying to escape).
However, another really powerful tool is making yourself known to the high-level dancer, which will increase your chances of them seeking you out for a dance. For example, you can bring an exhausted pro (that you’ve met before) a glass of water. You may also want to consider getting to know them during the day away from the social floor, so that they recognize you during the social. You can speak to them while they’re grabbing a glass of water, just to say hi. This doesn’t mean stalking them or guilting them into a dance. Rather, it’s predicated on the assumption that you would actually like to talk to them, but if they happen to recognize you during the social, it’s a nice bonus.
It is also entirely appropriate to ask them to save you a dance while you are 0ff of the dancefloor – but couple it with a caveat: if they happen to run into you while they feel like dancing.
All of these things show that you’d like to dance, but you also respect that they may not feel like it.
If you tend towards the aggressive
If you tend towards the more aggressive side, I get it. It’s more effective in the current climate. But, the more aggressive you are, the more likely people will be to pull back.
For example, there are certain people who I can count on to ask me for a dance (or several) every single night. I can see them watching while I have conversations, grab water, etc. I know that the second I acknowledge them, they’ll ask for a dance, regardless of my conversation or telegraphed desire to dance. They’re dance-stalking me.
If you do this to me, I will decline the dance. However, not every higher-level dancer will do this. Some will simply ignore you until you go away, because they’re uncomfortable saying no. Some will say yes, and then will grapple with feeling like a dance monkey.
What I truly wish is that these people would simply say hi, and let me ask them for a change. I don’t mind talking and making new friends. And, very often, when they don’t ask me for a dance, I’ll naturally reach that point when the music turns into something I can’t resist, and I actively want to dance with them.
Please note that dance-stalking is different than watching to see when someone becomes open for a dance. Dance-stalking is when you specifically, and intentionally, hang on the peripheries of a particular person with the expectation they will eventually given you an “in” to come ask for a dance. For example, standing and directly observing a conversation for 5 minutes.
In Conclusion
I would love to see a shift socially towards all dancers being more empathetic, average dancers being respectful of social cues, and high-level dancers learning how to take control of their communications and interactions to influence appropriate behaviour.
For my social dancers, please remember that the more advanced you get, the less opportunities you get to ask for dances. For a newer dancer, being asked is a source of joy and inclusivity. For advanced dancers who constantly have queues and a barrage of requests, it turns from a joy to an obligation. For them, the joy comes from those rare opportunities where they get to pick their dance partners.
Let’s start rewarding kindness, empathy, and communication in our requests for dances – rather than aggressive dance objectification. I’d love to see that shift, so that high-level dancers get to feel respected, and average dancers get to feel included and seen.
Couldn’t the organizers of festivals make a rule that at the socials and parties no one is allowed to ask the Professionals to dance? That way, the Professionals can decide whom they will ask to dance and they will decide when they want to dance. The attendees will understand that getting a dance with a Professional is a matter of luck. I think this would be fine so long as the Professionals make it a point to ask for dances randomly e.g. not just the good looking, half naked dancers.
This is quite genralized article.
I danced socially for about 4-5 years few different ( very different!) dancing styles. I can say that first of all every dance has it’s own culture- history, music, moves, the way people treat each other. Some are more formal while others are casual or very casual. Also, the population gathers accordingly as well and that forms the culture further along the way. All this “monkey dance”, average and advanced stuff in my opion is bs. Sure things change when you improve or not improve, but I think it is very personal as well, also depends on where the event is taking place, is it a random event? is it some celibration? is it an international event? is it local etc. how do you feel at that particulat day? what was the weather and so on…lots of things…just like anywhere else.
What a well written article that expresses all points of view! This type of etiquette would go far if dance communities taught it in level one or occasionally in lessons. When I learned tango, the instructor DID teach how to find a dancer and to turn others down kindly. For instance, if we turn one person down, dont accept another dance request that same song and for a follow when you make eye contact and smile it lets another know it is acceptable to approach. Although tango’s more sultry and serious than Swing’s lighthearted attitude and the latter etiquette wouldn’t work in this environemnt, itd still be worth everyones while to become conscientious of etiquettes in general.
Short version: As a male lead who also really likes to follow, I can totally relate to the pain from both sides of this spectrum! As a lead, there are definitely times when I don’t want a dance with a certain follower. As a coward who finds it difficult to say no, I find myself leading some dances that are draining (mentally, physically, energetically) to go through. It’s hugely impressive that professionals can put themselves through this on a regular basis. As a man, I’m in a position where I only get to follow if I’m the one asking. That can feel… aggresive at times. Not really sure what to do about that… any suggestions?
A longer version with some context:
Coming with some exposure to Kiz, Tango, and West Coast, I enjoy playing with the fundamental zouk movements. Changes in direction, timing or feeling. Sometimes the music feels crisp, calling for exact, distinct movements on the beat, othertimes it’s dreamy and rounded, with a smudgey, relaxed vibe. Sometimes it’s just fun to try out a variation- approach a basic movement from a non-standard entry perhaps, or using different connection points, or mirrored. This is crazy fun and amazingly doable with new zouk follows – once relaxed, there’s no anticipation of what should be the standard “sequence”, and magic happens (admittedly, this often works better with the smudgey songs and the expectation of at least some fudging of timing / footwork).
My pain comes (and I imagine this is so much worse for the professionals) with the follower who “knows” the “move”. An attempt at variation outside the norm or expression outside some “styling” (ugh) workshop they’ve just been to is met with confusion, and a steadfast refusal to budge from the standard. As a lead, there’s only so much pressure I’m willing to exert towards shaping a movement, before I allow myself to get railroaded back into the “correct way to do the move” (wow, that sounds bitter! 😀 ). I’d be fine with this if I were following, but as a lead, it sucks a lot of the joy out of the music and the dance. And it’s not that these are bad followers by any means – they go to classes, they love dancing, they’re fun to be around. We just have different approaches to dance. This also makes it so impossible to say no to a dance – these were the people who, as a beginner lead, built up my fundamentals, who make our community. Unfortunately, given the way I approach zouk, dancing with them also leaves me feeling drained and mentally exhausted. This leads to the “love this song, just not with this partner” syndrome. Also related: I’m too tired to dance (with you), but dancing (with them / as a follow) will actually recharge my energy.
On the other side, lies my experience as a male follow. Whereas female leading seems to be increasingly acceptable, if not welcome, a male follow is generally met with suspicion, disdain, and general disparagement. Asking most men for a dance, generally leads to mumbling, discomfort and a sudden interest in shoes (I’ve entirely given up on asking Brazilian leads except as a source of dark humour). With almost every female lead I’ve asked, there’s been an unspoken why, an initial manhandling, and eventually, a concessionary “you follow well”. And make no mistake, just about every follow I’ve had in zouk I have been the one asking. There have been a grand total of three zouk leads who have asked me for a dance. If I wish to follow in zouk, the inevitable truth is that I need to be the one asking. Possibly aggressively. I never ask more than once an evening. I always leave the option to say no. But I’m also left with the sneaking suspicion that I’m treating these leads as dance monkeys. Not really sure what the alternative is- give up on following? (seems a bit cowardly) move to a more open country? (please let me know where lead/follow is not gendered) give up on zouk? (not sure I could give up on the flavour of zouk, I’m afraid)
I’m about 2.5 years into the Westie world. I’m still in Novice. I ask everyone to dance. Both with more experience than me than me and less experienced than me. (I dislike the term you use ‘average dancer’ and ‘high-level’ dancer.) I learn a lot about my own dance when I’m dancing with newer dancers and I love the challenge of keeping up with more experienced dancers.
Caveat: I never ask a pro to dance socially.
(To your suggestion to chat off the floor with a pro hoping that they will ask you to dance later. I think it’s more disingenuous to pretend you want to be friends with someone simply because you’d like to dance with them later.)
But the fact is generous altruistic people are few and far between. The best one can hope for is a ‘yes’ when you ask a advanced dancer to dance. But never an invitation to dance.
So I HAVE to ask. If I don’t ask advanced dancers to dance with me, they won’t ask of their own accord. But I want to get better and this is part of it. Bad behavior happens on both sides. I literally had a (local) pro —classed as an advanced dancer— say to me out loud at a conference: “I guess I’ll dance with you since no one else is left…. ?” Yep, that was said out loud. Charming, eh?
And since I want to dance. I ask a lot I definitely get told no. I just ask them anyway. I see the deal as: “I’ll put up with you being a pretentious asshole, and you are putting up with the fact that I’m not one of your favorite advanced dancers. So it’s even.”
(That’s a little extreme. And those thoughts are reserved for the stunkyiest of stinkfaces…)
Sometimes I feel impatient with dancers who are not actively working on improving. So I myself am culpable in the impatient attitude (ie stinkface). And I sometimes will avoid dancing with dancers who I feel it will not be a ‘good time’ for me to dance with. This is the same attitude that I sometimes resent higher level dancers for. I definitely feel the stink face when I’m on the receiving end of it. And try to remember that when I’m dancing with a dancer who I feel is not contributing to a good experience for me. I try to ask: how can I give in this situation? And how can I still get something that will improve my dance?
I think it’s important to realize that a majority of West Coast dancers are quite self-centered. After all, they are in this to get something generally…everyone wants to get better. Most are not in it to give something. But to get something. The competitive dna in our dance make this a fact of life as a Westie. Maybe not in other parts of their lives, but certainly on the dancefloor. There is a lot of self-criticism which also leads to self focus and that can translate as selfishness.
Sometimes, you can find an advanced dancer that is clearly sitting out and wanting to dance and asking them ‘gives’ something. Or you can be a charming and humble asker, that ‘gives’ something. I also change multiple times in dance evening into fresh not sweaty clothes and make sure I look and smell good. That at least I have control over. I also regularly invest in lessons and actively work on my dance.
One part that is missing in this post is to also realize at some level that as an advanced dancer you are not the only one ‘giving’ if you deign to dance—- it takes guts and the willingness to accept rejection to ask a more advanced dancer to dance. So best to temper your declination with at least this realization. And decline if you just with humility and kindness, and maybe a little solidarity, realizing that the asker is only asking because (like you) they love this dance and want to improve. Just like you do.
A final point: it’s good to not confuse the dance community with ‘friends’. Friends are a different animal. You may make a friend or two within the community. But if you confuse your floor sharers that you see all the time with ‘friends’ you will be very disappointed. I think if we can simply acknowledge this, we may all be better off.
But even with all that, the dance floor can be emotionally fraught. We all want to be better. And sometimes that ambition can manifest as frustration with where we are today. Self-criticism can sometimes seem like it’s coming from a partner. Sometimes we can feel unwelcome and judged…when we ourselves are doing the self-judging. Cultivating kindness is a skill. As in dance, some are more naturally good at it than others but if we work on it self-reflectively…we can ALL get a little better at being kind and generous on and off the floor. It just takes focus and intention.
Stockholm, especially the Zoukicorns, are quite good! https://facebook.com/profile.php?id=1504639199621782
As a high level pro, I’ve experienced the whole range that you talk about from beginner to expert. I love to social dance and often go alone. As a woman, I can, in addition, choose to lead or follow. Lately I’ve been exclusively leading because of a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. I’m very proactive so with every new group/dance I meet/attend I explain to all the ladies why I’m “just going to mainly lead tonight, unless there’s a guy here that won’t overlead and further injure my right arm” – this information spreads like wildfire because I go table to table first. At the end of each night, when the ratio of available followers go down a bit, and every guy has figured out I am a pro, I’ll ask a guy to dance. A guy I’ve watched and seen that he is gentle, it doesn’t matter how good he is. Then the other guys, because they’ve all heard why I’m leading, try and be THAT GUY that won’t hurt me. This has actually had the effect (the ladies tell me everything) that the guys are trying harder to be nice and gentle and stop trying to show off. Everyone has a good time. I’ve only been in my new dance community for a month so I’ve participated in only a fraction of the dance events. I’m looking forward to meeting everyone in my new city. Great article, btw!
It doesn’t matter whether you are an average dancer, pro or beginner. Dance with who you want, when you want. It is not your responsibility to manage other adults feelings. If someone rejects you, don’t take it too personally. They may be tired, hate the song, want to visit their friends or just don’t want to dance with you.
Does anyone have suggestions on how an event director might influence this situation to change the negative dynamics?
My experience, including with the author and other pros, is that I’m most likely going to dance with her if I’m on the floor, having a good time dancing with everyone, and with no objectives. Nothing good ever comes of stalking!
And as with everything in life, anything you do is better when it’s done willingly, without obligation. The dance with the pro is much more satisfying if she/he asks you, rather than any feelings of entitlement that they owe you because they’re being paid to be there and “should” dance with everyone.
Excellent article. I’d say aggressive follows are the biggest problem. Those of us who wait to be asked really get the shaft. This is especially so since by and large men have trouble saying no (women rarely do). I like some of her suggestions of how to say no. Another I would suggest is “in a minute” unless of course you really don’t want to dance with her.
This may sound old fashioned, but the way I see it is leads ask, follows accept or decline, and this creates the same equality found on the dance floor between lead and follow. If a lead wants to dance with someone, they ask, if they don’t, they don’t. If a follow wants to dance they say yes, if not, no. When follows are asking it imbalances this equality, especially when the lead hasn’t figured out how to decline.
I’ve been asked to dance from across the room, but as the lead crossed to me he was tapped on the shoulder, and he went and danced with her leaving me sitting there stunned. I’ve also had several instances where I’ve been told the lead is going to dance with me next salsa, then when it comes on he gets asked and of course dances with her because he hasn’t figured out how to tell her he’s already asked someone, in a minute.
I can let it roll off my back if I’m not asked to dance, but if it’s because the lead is constantly asked, it’s frustrating. I find a lot of men are so used to being asked, they don’t ask anymore, just wait to be asked. In my eyes women asking men can emasculate them.
lol so that’s basically a letter to her self saying it’s ok to say ‘no’ or at least learn to say no because she wants to say no, and that others should reads her social cues of when she wants to dance 🙂
Hm. If this is what you got from the article, I am afraid I have not communicated clearly enough 🙂
I am certainly an “average” dancer in WCS, and find myself on the opposite side of this divide at those events.
I really enjoyed reading this article and the responses.
The dynamic described in the article has me pondering a dance break. I am an intermediate-level follow and I try to approach social dancing with openness. I like to dance with a multitude of leads, excited to discover which one will lead to an enjoyable dance. However, I don’t feel that I am met with this same openness. At socials, I am often only asked to dance by the few people I know or beginners.
I do try to vary my dance experience by asking more “advanced” dancers to dance — in this case mostly dance team members who I am assume are interested enough in improving their dancing skills that they have joined a performance team — but find that this rarely improves my night. If I am not being given a “pity” dance, I find that the leads have a hard time adjusting to a social dance, as opposed to a performance routine that I have only one eight count to prove that I can handle. Furthermore, I must confess to hesitating to ask these “advanced” dancers when I observe their “clique-y” ways. When I scan the dance floor for potential dancers (and I am mostly looking for someone who wants to dance), I am noticing more and more that performance team members seem to gravitate towards almost exclusively dancing with each other. I understand that practice probably does not leave a lot of time for social dancing, but coming to a social and only dancing with a certain subset of people goes against what I perceive as social behavior. And, I find it even more offensive when performance teams that host socials engage in this type of behavior. Not only does it set an unwelcoming tone, but the performers are there for free. So, in a way, the invitees are paying to be ignored. Agreeing to watch a performance is not the same as agreeing to being relegated to being to an audience member all night long!
So, what does the follower who wants to have enjoyable dances and improve her social dancing skills, but not necessarily join a performance team, to do in the current climate? Within reason is it no longer possible for a follower to “learn” to follow on the dance floor?
I confess that I don’t have many answers, but I would like to see a change in the want-to-be-celebrity culture on the dance floor. Let’s stop looking around to see who is watching us and look at our dance partners and care whether he or she is having a good time. I would also like to see an advanced lead be defined as someone whose ability to give clear signals and utilize a variety of moves that they can have an enjoyable dance with almost anyone. To that end, I would like to see the teachers and pros circulate more and ask others to dance — as opposed as being asked to dance — and dance at the level of their partner. I don’t want to give the pros more to do, but the new leads and older leads looking to “move up” the food chain are watching the pros and imitating their behavior for good and bad. Wouldn’t it be nice to see more people emulating inclusive, gracious skilled dancers instead of people looking to be seen and/or make a name for themselves?
There are certain etiquette followed in Tango which addresses some of these issues. For example a lead can’t dance with the same follower more than two (maybe three) songs, so you won’t see same leader and follower dancing all night. Also people have to make eye contact before asking for dance so body language can indicate if the person you are asking is free and willing to dance without actually having to say no.
As per DJ’s, they can create a break music in between, kind of music people don’t want to dance to, to create time for everybody to relax and have a drink or chat. This way your regular and professional dancers don’t have to roll from one dance to the next all night.
Tango’s etiquette has certain advantages. However, the idea that a woman can’t ask for a dance, for me, puts a lot of strain on the positivity of the experience.
In tango, we use a method called Mirada & Cabeceo, where as both leader & follower look ‘Mirada’ (actively) the leader ‘cabeceos’ nods towards the follower he would like to dance with, and she will either nod to accept the invite, or her gaze will continue around the room to someone else she wants to dance with. It’s not as one sided as may first seem apparent. If a woman doesn’t want to dance, she doesn’t look, if a man doesn’t want to dance he doesn’t look, (and by look, I mean make eye contact). The perception of the man doing all the work of the invite is incorrect, before he nods, they both will hold eye contact with one another for a moment longer than average, and that is the mutual agreement. The nod is like the handshake.
It’s not often practiced correctly in the UK at least, but when it is practiced correctly it works like a dream, levels the playing field and ‘saves face’.
Great article! I love how you break down both sides of this dilemma, which is very real. I am a professional dancer/instructor who has experienced all the aspects you mentioned. This is what happens in all social dance scenes, whether salsa, tango, swing, etc. My husband and I who are also dance partners used to organize social dance events and one of the reasons we stopped was because of this dance stalking and aggressive social dancers you speak about who make the higher level or pro dancers feel that because the social/student dancers pay for their classes or events, they ‘owe’ you a dance. I can confirm that the pros all feel the same way. For us, it totally sucks the pleasure out of social dancing and we just didn’t want to deal with it anymore, so we do not miss organizing events. I do feel that cultivating genuine relationships with people is key and helps a lot.
Dear Laura,
I had a read of the article and this by far is the most important and relevant article that every dancer regardless of what level or profession or position needs to read.
To understand my POV I dance or shall I say used to dance Brazilian Zouk, for a number of years. I also had attended so many Zouk festivals, primarily in Europe. I also tried to do other dance styles like salsa or bachata or kizomba. For my opinion, i will be reflecting on my experience on Brazilian Zouk and to an extent Bachata.
The biggest factor why I am inactive in social dancing and will remain that way is because of cliqueness and I have a lot of theories behind this, which are unproven but could be true.
First issue: What is the reason people dance? I guess the cliqueness came from dancers who think they want the best dance and best moment. That is a understandable reason, however what is this pereption of the best dance and best moment? I know dancers and I do think this happens to everyone even me that when they want the best they go for the best. Unfortunately this causes alienation and people start to miss out on the important connection. It was so in the community I saw that one follower to her friend, “I don’t have to waste my time with dancers who aren’t technically good”….This point will become relevant to my final point later on. What I am emphasising is that people’s expectations in the dance scene is too high.
This is going to be a controversial point and will offend a lot of people, but I think many dancers suffer from a personality flaw, as if they have a point to prove. Dancing is seen as an escape, which can be a good thing to motivate you to do better in life, I should know Zouk played an important role in my life outside dancing and for some people they find their significant others. But escapism isn’t always the answer. Can be relevant to the above point but dancers may expect too much, perhaps because of too much stuff happening outside dance, that they bring their ego in to the dancefloor. Many dancers I encountered do come from stressful jobs. Perhaps it is a good way to bond …but sometimes if they bring their expectations, it could cause issues. Looking back at this, whilst the majority of dancers I met were amazing people, I can say the minority are the most shallow people I have met, so shallow it puts me to shame as I am an extreme introvert.
This is my main point. One well known zouk teacher said out said thag only a as small minority of people in the entire world can dance freely. We should not think we are the best. At the end of the day social dancing is a hobby and is meant to be fun. If we want to get more people dancing we have to be open minded and welcoming. Think about this for a moment how many ordinary people around the world express an interest in social dancing or partner dancing? Being clique wont help. Yes I do think its important to have close friends but I also think its equally important to be welcoming to new people or even people who may not be in the circle. Its important to be imclusive.
One thing I like to say that I feel that the dance community is like a high school. And I mean that in a negative way, because of exclusive social groups. Ideally we should be like a college or university where there was more inclusion….to an extent.
Sorry for the long post, it was something I want to express. There is so much more I want to discuss but I guess if anyone wants to ask I will hopefully be free to discuss this further.
This was a great article on the topic. I divide my time by dancing both with the follows I love an by going to the beginners and back rows to offer dances to those too shy or humble to ask for a dance. The idea is to grow the dance community as a beginner will be an interesting dance in two years.
I’ve seen in local performance teams a tendency to dance among themselves and not engage other dancers. This is likely due to their common training and movement skills that are lost on other dancers. While they do attend social dance events they are really not social dancers. It should be a part of wisdom that experienced dancers give back to the community and make new people feel welcome to be there.
One element supporting the dance monkey is the need of professional dancers to draw new students so they need the charisma and acclaim of being a desirable dancer. This is perhaps one good reason our pro dancers get to be dance monkeys as it goes with success.
One of the needs to address is for top level dancers to get out of their comfort zone. Its a temptation to dance only with those who comfortably know your movements or choreography But do share this with the larger dance community.
“or saying hello”
THIS! So much this.
I still consider it awkward how many of the seasoned dancers simply fail to return a friendly hello. At first I thought, “Yes, we got a high-throughput here. Many people start every term, many stop after one, two or three. So I don’t blame them for not noticing me or saying hello”. But now I’m already many years in this scene, and I know they know me by now. Some I can relate with, some still fail to reply a hello. “So maybe I’m just weird, and that’s why they ignore me?” Well I started to hear others complain about the same thing when talking with them. Even mentioning it to me unasked. So it’s not just me? “Maybe they just didn’t hear me? Or took notice, I mean there are so many people, maybe you just overlook”… Then they stare back to me straight in the eye, I see hello, they walk on. And reading this post, this sure is not about stalking either. I didn’t ever ask to dance once, I don’t particular enjoy dancing with people way above my level (Personally I consider this similar to chess, the best learning setup is with someone slightly better, but I don’t mind dancing with newer either). But really, as simply hello back… it’s not that hard. And yes I blame this on the fact that social dance scene tend to attract a certain kind of people, that feels challenged to reply a hello. Certainly not all of them are, but a considerable amount that of those that stay.
Being one of those average dancers who rarely asks anyone at a higher level for a dance for fear of encroaching their boundary, I have lots of opportunity to observe the higher level dancers’ etiquette. There is one pro who I’ve seen at multiple events who is a master of working the floor. He dances WITH his partner, making her the center of his attention. Then get this. Somehow he is able to pick someone sitting down for the next dance! I can’t tell you how impressed I am by his actions and the smile he brings to each and every one of those follows’ faces.