A while ago, I was in a workshop where the instructor told a story. She talked about a girl who spent the whole weekend waiting to be asked to dance. And, the entire weekend, no one asked her.
She didn’t know why, but it became clear when the instructor asked a few more questions. She was sitting several rows of chairs back, on her phone, wearing a sweater, and avoiding eye contact. She had all the signals that normally mean “I don’t want to dance” – even though she really did.
When Signals Don’t Match
Sadly, many of the people who end up feeling “left out” at the end of the weekend give off these signals, and more. Sometimes they don’t smile. Sometimes their body language is closed and isolated. In our zeal to educate people to read body language and be more savvy of possible rejections, we have unwittingly excluded the shy, withdrawn dancers that need our help to come out of their shell.
We should be aware of this – particularly as it relates to unfamiliar or new dancers. If it is someone you don’t recognize and you’re a regular, there’s a good chance they’re new or unfamiliar with the area. Those people sometimes are the most in need of a friend – even if they look like they want nothing to do with you.
So, if you have it in you, you may want to consider finding a person who doesn’t exactly look like they’re ready to jump on the floor – with two caveats.
Rejection
If you do decide to ask people who look less interested, be aware that you do raise your likelihood of receiving a “no”. If you’re not OK with that, don’t ask. You need to be OK with the fact that you are taking a larger rejection risk than asking the person who is actively standing by the dance floor and making eye contact.
“Don’t Ask” Signals
While there are many signals that can be associated with shyness, there are still a few that really, truly yell “no” at the top of their lungs. For example, having an involved conversation with another person or standing outside the ballroom. In your zeal to help include the shy, do remember this. Even though this outreach work can be great, you still do need to use a judgment call and common sense when deciding whether or not to ask.
The Payoff
When you do find the person who covertly wants to dance, you have the opportunity to make their weekend – and even inspire them to dive deeper into dance. You also have the chance of finding someone who you absolutely love dancing with. To me, that is far more wonderful than avoiding a few ‘no’s.
The next time you’re at an event, keep an eye out for your shy fellow dancers. And, if you have the stamina to withstand a greater risk of rejection, you can help build their confidence and inclusion by being their gateway to the dance floor. Let’s continue creating a great, inclusive dance community that invites those on the fringe into our inner circle.
I am not too sure about the payoff. There is one thing to ask new people to dance at a local social where you can recognize the regulars from shy people. That would be a topic on asking new people who would otherwise be too shy and feel excluded in the beginning and I am sure you have already written countless posts on it. And I completely agree on going further in order to make them feel included and to discover a new friend and member of community. But as you also mentioned “read body language” I try to be very conscious of it, not for the fear of rejection but to dance with someone who wants to dance too. Worse than a rejection is a dance where the partner didn’t really want to but didn’t say no and now we are in this flavourless dance because I asked them for a dance. It often sucks the mojo out out me.
I dont dance Tango but I know of the art of cabeceo. I often try to make a eye contact and smile when approaching to ask for a dance. If the partner looks away or they body language suggest not wanting to dance, I would walk away and not ask them. This is not to just reduce rejection but actually find a partner who wants to dance with me too. I try same, when I am taking a break or sitting, I try to avoid eye contact and usually sit in quiet corner so I don’t have to say no when someone asks.
The Dancing Grapevine always posts interesting articles. I agree with so much of this, but some scenes are notoriously less inclusive ( Argentine tango) while others are much friendlier
( Swing) The one thing left out is that sometimes I feel like I have ‘paid my dues’ & don’t want to feel obligated with rank beginners.
Seeing as you’re a woman I have a hard time believing you drink your own medicine and do much asking of people who don’t look like they want to dance. How about being inclusive and all and changing that post pic since you’re at it. Oh…
Because I’m a woman…? Damn. I guess because you’re a man (I assume), you must just be dancing to get laid.
At least in my area, women do plenty of asking. And, when it comes to leading, I am almost always the one doing the asking. As for the picture, it’s what I had on hand. If you’d like to send me a nice photograph of a woman asking a man, I’ll happily change the post photo 😉
Ahaha I invited a guy wednesday. Looked bored, sitting on a chair, not looking at me until I put my hand under his nose. I knew he was average dancer, not burning the dancefloor but praticing for some years now.
He said yes with an happily surprised tone and a little bit of anxiety.
I have tried to follow thé lead, my dance was not awesome but our dance was smooth.
At the end of the dance I thanked me like hé was heartwarmed, and went straight to invite another dancer, and then another and another… He just needed a little hint of interest and self confidence. This made my week. <3
I’m a bit shy so I can see how someone who doesn’t know me might assume I wasn’t interested in dancing especially if they were relying on eye contact. I understand when I go someplace new and don’t dance that much. Still, I’d add one caveat to this list: don’t wait until someone is leaving before asking them.
On more than one occasion, I’ve been at a new (or newish) venue, sitting by myself, and a few guys start tripping over me, literally, in their efforts to ignore my existence (as in they’ll trip over my feet or bang into me, but do not glance at me or acknowledge my presence in any way, much less apologize for stepping on me though I’ll have bruises the next day). The second I start changing my shoes, without fail, the same guys will walk up and say “you’re leaving? But, we haven’t danced yet!” I don’t know why they do this or to what end, but if that’s how a dance community treats its new members, I don’t come back.
Ah I had not read your comment but just same as you JC with the shoe. Actually for me it is not because the guy was afraid that I would leave, actually I don’t think so… It seems also like a consumerism society, I want a dance and I want it now, in a certain way the lead pays the dance I mean that it is him that makes us dance… Sounds a little bit like “I offer this service, but I decide with who and when”. And follows we’re just selling our body ahaha
I have noticed something special and unpleasant here, people tend to ask people who are busy rather than people who are actually waiting to be invited. Like I spend 3 songs on the border, standing, smiling as watching other people dancing, dancing a little on my own not to loose the feeling / entertainment… Nobody invites me so I sit to change my shoes, and one guy (not beginner) invites me just when I am changing the 2nd shoe (next time I’ll try to dance with a différent shoe on each foot).
Same, if I am talking with someone, I am 30-50% more likely to be invited by a third party… Same, not good to stand too long, I look too needy, I have more chances to get invited for this song or for the next one if I sit down…
I think the guys want to prétend they are actually choosing the girl they will dance with, and not this needy girl standing right next, who thinks that she can chose to be the next one on the dancefloor just because she is closer.
It is weird to have to build such reversed stratégies to get invited !