Question: What do all the following scenarios have in common?
- A follow is encouraged to walk off the floor if their lead unintentionally executes something rough. The lead is also called an “idiot” by the advice-giver.
- An advanced dancer is told that they’re selfish for dancing several times with their favourite dance partner.
- A scene leader is told that they’re self-centered for not giving more to their community.
- A girl gets rejected for dances because she wore something “too revealing.”
- A lead gets excluded from a social dance competition because he’s not “devoted to dance enough” for a competition where follows vote for their favourite social dance lead.
- A follow gets told by a lead that he’ll partner her if she “loses 20 pounds.”
- An aspiring instructor gets ostracized by local scene leaders.
Answer: They’re all true stories that have happened to people I know. And, they’re all mean.
The Myth of “Friendly Dancers”
Dance communities are wonderfully friendly to those of us who are lucky enough to exist on the inside of the friend circle. I still love the dance community. I think it’s a wonderful and welcoming place. But, I also think it is important to recognize that they may not be welcoming to every person who enters.
This doesn’t mean that dancers are particularly unfriendly. On a whole, we’re generally welcoming. But, we certainly don’t have a perfect record. There are still individuals who spread negativity within scenes. There are people who think it is appropriate to be mean to beginners who aren’t “working hard enough.” And, there are people who perpetuate the examples I gave above.
Most importantly, most of us will (at some point) be mean to a fellow dancer – whether we want to admit it or not.
Intentional, Passive, and Unintentional Meanness
Not every remark that is mean is intended to be so. But, that doesn’t make it less mean. However, I’d say that the majority of mean remarks are intentional – even if unacknowledged, or claimed to be unintentional.
Intentional Meanness
If the intention of a comment is to chastise, shame, humiliate, demotivate, cow, or embarrass, the comment is intentionally mean (even if the advice or request is reasonable or constructive).
Many times, the speaker isn’t honest with their intention. It’s very human to gain a feeling of superiority when we ‘call out’ something someone else has done. This can feel good, since the speaker feels they appropriately “punished” the “offender.”
But, many times, a person who says these things may say that it was “for their own good,” or “to protect others.” In my opinion, this is usually a way to cover up a need to feel superior, or anger at a person. While the speaker may say that it’s because “they care”, a reasonable communicator who cares will also care about how their message is felt and received.
Intentional meanness can also be talking badly about someone behind their back, where such talk causes others to think poorly of or ridicule them.
Passive Meanness
Passive meanness is when you see something that you can help fix, that you know is impacting another person, but you choose to let them suffer anyway.
For example, I once saw a girl who had a dress that rode up and revealed her thong. Near me, a bunch of dancers were pointing and snickering. None made a move to tell her that her dress was up.
I decided to tell her. She found a friend, who had double-sided tape to hold the dress down. After this, a guy came up to me and said “Why did you tell her? Now I can’t enjoy the view.” Later, he followed up with “Well, she deserved having her ass out. No one wears a short dress with just a thong.”
Sitting by and enjoying “the view” because a person “deserved it” is cruel. Who knows why she didn’t wear shorts? Maybe she forgot. Maybe she was new. But, it isn’t a license to do that.
Passive meanness also includes exclusion tactics, where a person is iced out of the scene because they don’t ‘fit’, but no one actually makes comments about them that are ‘mean’. For example, refusing to acknowledge a person.
Unintentional meanness
Unintentional meanness is when a remark is delivered with an honest intent to help, but is communicated in a way that causes the recipient to feel bad.
I stress honest intent here. Regardless of whether you consider yourself ‘blunt’, a ‘poor communicator’, or ‘awkward’, this only applies if you honestly did not desire to cause the recipient to feel bad.
And, even if you are a ‘blunt’ person, an honestly unintentionally mean remark will carry a feeling of guilt after it is delivered. It will also carry with it a desire to communicate better, to avoid causing that hurt in the future.
“But someone has to say these things!”
Well, absolutely. Someone needs to tell the painful dancer that what they’re doing hurts. And, that person can choose to be mean or kind. They can choose to call that person an “idiot”, or they can recognize that the person probably doesn’t want to hurt people. So, instead of yelling “Dude, stop f***ing winching my arm!” and walking off the floor, they may say “Hey, that hurts. Please stop.”
Of course, if someone tries to be kind and their words fall on deaf or defensive ears, then it becomes appropriate to stand your ground and/or walk away. But, this shouldn’t be the first reaction.
Types of Meanness
Although there are more than the types listed here, the most common ‘types’ of meanness that I have witnessed in the dance scene are power trips, moral meanness, selfish meanness, and vengeful meanness.
Power Trips
Sometimes, mean behavior is the result of power trips. The mean individual may have a feeling of fear, jealousy, or insecurity about something new, changing, or threatening. So, they may try to shut it down.
This can happen at organizer level, but also at the level of social dancers. And, it can kill the mojo of some of the most promising new generation dancers.
It’s hard to let go of those feelings. But, if you see it in your community, encourage the people struggling with jealousy or fear to let go of the meanness. Encourage them to practice acceptance and inclusion. Try not to pile on the bandwagon and tear the new person down. You’ll usually have much better results trying to support the upcoming individual, than trying to suppress them.
Moral Meanness
Sometimes, we attach our own personal morality to others. For example, some more conservative scenes may denounce women who dress “too sexy.” That may parlay into an assumption that the woman is trying to “entrap” the good leads, and take them away from the other “more deserving” women.
It is tempting to make these judgements, but they’re frequently inaccurate and cruel. They’re based on an external opinion we have. Sometimes it’s based in dance culture. Sometimes it’s based on personal values. But, whether a girl wears a backless top, a guy wears a skirt, etc, it doesn’t mean that person is bad. They certainly don’t deserve to be treated poorly because of it.
Selfish Meanness
Sometimes, we may begrudge an advanced dancer who dances “too often” or “too long” with certain people, and is therefore being selfish.
The irony is that these things are frequently ruled by selfishness on the part of the person doing the judging. It is fine to have a personal code to not dance too long, too many songs, etc. But, it is a bit selfish to say that they should abide that code so that people like them have a chance to get something they want from the “selfish” person (for example, a chance to dance with a pro).
Once again, some people do have trouble admitting that this is what they want, and put it under the guise of “but I am saying this for everyone else; I’m fine.” If you truly are fine, spend your time facilitating those people you think need kindness – rather than judging the people who aren’t living up to your code.
Vengeful Meanness
This is the person who calls others an “idiot”, or criticizes a dancer for not trying hard enough. This comes from a place of anger, where the meanness is a form of ‘just desserts’ for the target.
While it can lead to a feeling of vindication for the person who ‘puts them in their place’, it is highly detrimental in a community where the vast majority of people aren’t trying to actually be irritating, hurtful, or rough.
The best way to counteract angry meanness is to approach each undesirable trait as unintentional until proven otherwise. Lead was too rough? Try a kind verbal correction first. They refuse to listen or fight? Then they’ve proven an unwillingness to listen, and it’s time to stand your ground.
In Conclusion
Meanness is something that dance scenes can struggle with. It can be overt, or it can be simple exclusion. It doesn’t mean everyone who has been mean is a bad person. In fact, most of us have been mean at one point or another.
But, we can make a conscious decision to try to stop the behavior. We can practice conscious inclusion and kindness – and try to make up for when we have been mean. And, we can kindly help others who have a ‘mean streak’ to understand how they’re hurting (instead of helping) the dance scene.
While, on a balance, our scenes are generally more positive than negative, we should be aware of behaviours that alienate, ostracize, or hurt our fellow dancers. The only thing we stand to gain from this awareness is an even better community.
If you have thoughts on the article, please feel free to leave them below.
I always enjoy your articles from The Dancing Grapevine. I HOPE I’m not one of the mean people in the Salsa scene but I do have a tendency to be judgemental & catty. I do try to dance with people, no matter what level, when they ask me. However, I will heed your thoughts and try to be nicer in the future. We can always do better and live and learn!
I really love how you break down things. While I haven’t gone as deep into other kinds of dances as I do with Zouk, I have to say that Zouk scene is way more welcoming than many others. While you’re absolutely right, not everyone is nice and not everything is peachy, in general people do make an effort to acknowledge new dancers and make them feel welcomed. It’s amazing how you can go to a place where you don’t know anyone, and still feel that you belong. This is one of the main reasons why I stick to Zouk <3
I agree with the gist of the article – the less meanness we have in our scenes, the better. But is meanness as defined in this article *always* a negative thing? Or is it labeled as something else when it serves a positive purpose?
For example, gossip is the primary means people find out about negative behavior of some teachers, DJs etc. When we tell others that some instructor is a bad apple who harasses women on the dance floor, it’s definitely “talking badly about someone behind their back, where such talk causes others to think poorly of or ridicule them”. It also harms these people professionally. But it’s also a way to bring some accountability to these people, and protect other people from them.
Let’s take another example: an aspiring instructor getting ostracized by local scene leaders. In my scene, all the instructors get along well and respect each other. We have a shared sense of pride in our scene. I think we could have more instructors. But let’s say someone started teaching after studying the dance for only a year or so and taught head movements and dips to beginner dancers? I don’t think I, or the others, would react well to that.
Jukka, I always appreciate your insights.
I think that when there’s a clear and present danger, it’s a very different thing than spreading bad rumors – for example, negative and dangerous behavior like sexual assault and disease transmission. These are things that do need to be talked about until they are resolved.
I don’t view this as ‘being mean’ at all. There is an interest in the public good that has to be defended.
I do disagree with you on the upcoming teacher. To me, it is the responsibility of scene leaders to raise their concerns with the person directly, if they feel the person is harming the scene. To me, it is cruel to simply tell everyone else to ‘steer clear’ when that person could benefit from the guidance of more experienced professionals.
And again, delivery is important. It’s different to say “that person is a moron and shouldn’t be teaching,” versus “I am concerned that their lack of experience could be harmful if they teach head movement and dips to students who are not ready.” Or even, “I think that I would recommend ____ as an instructor, since they have more experience.” Or, “with some further guidance, I think that person would be a great teacher. They’re just a bit ahead of themselves at this juncture, and I don’t agree with their approach.”
Of course, I would raise the concerns with the person directly and hopefully in a socially aware way, but it’s entirely possible they wouldn’t agree.
There is a fine line where softening the delivery becomes misleading. Let’s say that what I actually think is like this: “This person can’t even dance well yet, let alone teach. It’s much better for people to learn with anyone else here.” If I tell people asking that he would be a great teacher with some further guidance, I would be misleading them. (“Great” is the rare and exceptional, and hard to reach without a lot of dedication. I recognize the word has suffered inflation in everyday usage, though).
If these soft deliveries do work well enough to convey the underlying truth of what I think (people knowing how to read between the lines), they’re simply another way to say “steer clear”, but with plausible deniability and soft touch. This is socially skilled way to deal with the situation and more likely to have good result. But the end result is still ostracism, just without the drama.
I’m lucky enough that I don’t anticipate this situation occurring. I’ll add that in the places I know where the teachers are fighting or badmouthing each other, it’s to the detriment of everyone. I’m referring to a pretty extreme situation.
I think this is a prime example of when Betteridge’s law apply (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betteridge%27s_law_of_headlines) (OTOH if the headline had been “Are there mean social dancers?” it would have been the exception).
Some of the examples given can definitely be mean. Others, like number 3 is very hard to say without knowing any more. One can say that you decide yourself how much you give back to a community, but if you are a leader of that said community, you have some obligation to the community that lifts you up and promotes you. If you don’t want to be a leader of that community, you are free to step down and let someone else take your place. I have seen some community/scene leaders that become divas and think that they don’t have to do anything since they believe they have already deserved their spot. A position I do not agree with. If you want a community to thrive you will have to give back to it, continuously. Sometime you can give back a lot, sometimes less. But without knowing HOW much that leader gives to his/her community it can definitely be mean to say something about their contribution and imply that they are giving less. IMHO it is better to be generous in this case.
As for the others:
1 – Giving a heads up can be ok if warranted – some dancers can be dangerous/unpleasant/predatory/etc. Just make sure it is true and not just gossip. But calling names is uncalled for and rude. Stop that!
2 – I call this bullshit. Anyone can dance with whomever they want. Just be aware if you do this you might make those that feels left out sad and ultimately might stop dancing with you. I have stopped dancing with former dance partners that frequently very quickly ended a single dance with me and moved on, but with other partners often danced 5-7 songs in a row, clearly showing that they only dance with me as a filler, not to stand still. If they didn’t like dancing with me I won’t ask them again. I don’t enjoy dancing with partners that do not like dancing with me, there are others that enjoy dancing with me and then I’d rather dance with them instead. So be aware that with the behaviour of this advanced dancer you might be unintentionally sending out unwanted signals. Not wrong but perhaps not what you want.
4 – Stupid rigid morality. *I* might feel awkward dancing with someone who reveals too much, but if they are comfortable with it and like dressing that way, good for them. They should definitely not be ostracized for that.
5 – A good way to ruin a competition is by setting arbitrary rules that cannot be measured. How do you measure someones devotion? And why should that ever be a criteria for a competition. Stop with that jealous behavior and let the best dancers win (if you feel the need to compete in the first place).
6 – Really shitty move. I have danced with some very overweight dancers and, sure, in some cases it is hard to do some moves when you cannot reach around each other. But now we are not talking about 20 pounds, or even 50. And they were still fun to dance with. That lead is free to decline to dance with someone and can partner up with anyone he wishes, but conditioning something with “lose 20 pounds”? He should learn to shut up and let his horrible little voice stay inside of his head.
7 – Stems from two things: jealousy/trying to protect territory and a huge misconception. Neither good.
I understand that some instructors are very afraid of competition, it might even undermine their livelihood. We are creatures that like new things and might try something new even though we know nothing about it. Thus the fear of losing students can be horrifying. (Other instructors might be afraid to lose to someone else because they know they cannot deliver and only thrive when they are the only big fish in the pond, but that is another thing entirely.)
Why wouldn’t new instructors be thought of as assets, and instead considered a problem? If no new people are allowed until the old ones retire, we risk destroying the community that I am sure most of us love and cherish. Our communities are those of handed down wisdom and experience. Before the age of internet video it was very hard to find good documentation of dance. So we need hand-offs and overlaps.
Also, and now we come to the huge misconception: just because someone is new doesn’t mean the cannot be good. Think about it, the teacher you had in first grade, teaching you the alphabet, did she have a Nobel prize in literature or a Pulitzer? Did you have the same teacher in first grade as you did in your undergrad courses? Is the coach of a sports team the most accomplished player of all time? The director setting up a play, is s/he a star actor? Let that sink in and apply it to dancing.
In dance I often see the wish for the teacher to be the perfect dancer: best lead/follow, best artist, best coreographer, etc. Let me tell you a little secret, that is wrong. The best teacher is the one that can teach you the best at the level you are right now. That means that you might need different teachers for different purposes. One for learning body movement, one for learning musicality and play with creativity, one for leading/following, one for new patterns etc. If you are lucky you find a teacher that fill many of these roles, perhaps even on many levels of your journey (from absolute beginner to advanced dancer), but most likely you will learn from many teachers – and be better off from it.
So a instructor might not be very advanced and quite inexperienced as a teacher, but still be an excellent instructor in those areas which s/he masters well enough to teach.
Ms Rivas answer in the comments regarding the new instructor is spot on. Raise concerns with that instructor directly and address any problems. If there is a pot hole in the road, you do not put up a lot of warning signs telling people to stay clear of it. You fill it – in this case with knowledge and understanding.
We don’t need more meanness in the world, it is already too full of it. But we can change a little at the time, and if you are a part of a dance community there are small things you can do to improve it. Sometimes by just NOT doing the wrong thing.
Sure, you can apply that law to this. But, I would argue that using a question in a headline also drives readership. In this case, it is obvious that the answer will be no – but by adding the overreaching statement that is not confirmed in the piece, it interests people enough to read through and perhaps draws their attention to mean elements that exist in many social dancers. 🙂
My two (least) favourites aren’t so much overt meanness as rudeness, and I suspect their perpetrators don’t think of themselves as being rude, but they’ve happened often enough that I’ve started to find them mildly insulting:
1) The dancers (leads) who ask my name again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I don’t know what they think they’re saying, but I’ve started hearing “it’s not worthwhile for me to learn your name, and I want to make sure that you to know that.”
2) The leads I’ve never met before who come up to me as I’m changing my shoes at a milonga where I’ve barely danced (and am usually quite new to the community) to say “you can’t be leaving; we haven’t danced yet!” Again, I don’t know what their intentions are, but I’ve started finding it really insincere and off-putting (mostly because this never happens when I’ve danced every dance and the leads who dance every dance never say this, so it’s never been a case where there was just no opportunity to ask before I sat down to change my shoes).
A note on names:
A lot of the time, it can be difficult to remember names – or even faces. I’m one of those people who really struggles with names and recollection, particularly if I’m meeting the person in different locations, cities, etc. Until I’ve sat down and had a full conversation with someone, it can be difficult to remember their name. 😉 I think you’re correct in saying that they probably don’t realize they’re being rude – but I don’t think there’s any intention on their part other than trying to learn your name.